[Clearwisdom.net]
Through years of cultivation, I have realized that a practitioner's biggest attachment is fear. Teacher said in "Eliminate Your Last Attachment(s)," "If a cultivator can let go of the thought of life and death under any circumstances, evil is bound to be afraid of him. If every practitioner is able to do this, evil will of itself no longer exist."
The attachment of fear existed at every level of my cultivation. When I first went to Beijing to appeal on July 25, 1999, I felt suddenly afraid when I noticed that the police were watching me as I exited the Beijing train station. A righteous thought came to me: I am a cultivator. I practice the greatest and most righteous universal law. To appeal shows a practitioner's compassion. Then my fear was gone.
Every morning from August to October 13, 1999, I continued to do the exercises at our public practice site from 4am to 6am. Before I went to the practice site each day, fear was an attachment I had to face and get over. The fear existed when I treated myself as an ordinary human being instead of a cultivator.
I was in Haogou Brainwashing Class from October 15 to December 24, 1999. I went through tribulations and tests everyday. On the surface, I was able to appear to "Firmly cultivate Dafa with an unaffected heart and mind" ("True Nature Revealed"), but deep in my heart I still held my attachment of fear. I kept away from the guards and police when doing exercises. Why? Fear. Fear of what? Fear of losing my human body? Why would I fear that? It was because I didn't have a deep understanding of Dafa. My Xinxing had not improved and accordingly, neither had my gong elevated to a very high level.
I hid when I went to study the Fa. Why? Fear. Sometimes I was aware that what I was studying is the great law of this universe, and the evil persecuting it is like a tiny ant in comparison. Our righteous side shines like pure gold, why should I fear evil? I could feel my body become very gigantic when I had such righteous thoughts.
Around New Year's Day of 2000, my daughter asked me if I was interested in attending an experience sharing conference. I feared arrest and decided not to attend the conference.
In Feb. 20, 2000, I gathered all my courage and went to Beijing to appeal again. This time I was afraid, too. I was afraid I would be intercepted outside of the Appeal Office and lose the chance to get in and face the test. Later when another practitioner asked me if I was a practitioner, too, I lied and denied I was a practitioner.
From Feb. 24 to March 23, 2000, I was detained in the Wuhan 1st Women's Detention Center. Even though I kept doing the exercises, I was afraid of being found out and subjected to harsh torture.
From March 23 to April 5, 2000, I was again in Haogou Brainwashing Class. I was afraid on the first several days and did the exercises secretly. One night Teacher came to my dream and let me see that both of my hands are golden. I looked back at the path of my cultivation. Everyday and every moment, I struggle with my attachment of fear. As I continue to cultivate, as soon as one fear disappears, another arrives. I realized that hating the attachment of fear is also a type of human feeling, or emotion. Cultivation is to remove our fears from one level to the next until eventually it has all cleared up and no more fear exists.
I was in Hewan Labor Camp from April 5, 2000 to Feb. 4, 2001. After I went on a hunger strike, I firmly and solemnly told the police that my life was to protect the Fa. After being force-fed on the seventh day, however, I couldn't take the suffering anymore and used the excuse that this was a way to eliminate Karma. Was not my attachment of fear so obvious? Because of my fear, the tribulation became harder. On the eighth day, the police used a bigger tube instead of the much thinner hospital-specified tube to force-feed me. They treated me quite inhumanely, rudely and forcefully feeding me with the tube inserted incorrectly, which caused extended health problems for the next several months.
In Hewan Labor Camp, I stood up and demanded my basic human rights. I did the exercises and studied Dafa. I recited Teacher's articles loudly. The police incited other inmates to stuff underpants, cotton yarn and toothpaste into my mouth, sealing my mouth with tape and using towels and cloths to tightly tie it up. They threw me outside to burn under the hot sun and to provide a feast for the mosquitoes. They did not allow me to wash and forbade me to use the restroom in their attempt to force me to give up my belief in Falun Dafa.
Teacher's words appeared in my mind: "What is god? Human heart non-existent." (Hongyin "Distinction Between Human and Enlightened Beings"), "Cultivation depends on one's own efforts, while the transformation of gong is done by one's master" (Zhuan Falun), "Firmly cultivate Dafa with an unaffected heart and mind" ("True Nature Revealed"). No fear existed in my heart at that time. When the fear disappeared, the tribulation was gone and the evil was afraid at the sight of me.
On Oct. 5, 2000, our jailors devised a new way to taunt us, teaching us a kind of physical exercise. I am a practitioner and doing any exercise as they instructed would be inappropriate, so I firmly refused their request without fear. Finally, they had to give up.
On May 8, 2001, I went to the district government to report what had happened to three old women from our practice site. The women were very healthy after practicing Falun Gong. To support the development of our workplace, they lent it 48,000 Yuan saved from their unused prepaid medical expenses in Jan. 1999. Since Jiang Zemin and his followers illegally banned Falun Gong, they were forced to stop practicing. One after another, they became ill again. Two of them were sent to the hospital and needed our workplace to repay the money loaned to it to pay their hospital bills. However, the workplace claimed insufficient cash flow to repay them. I went to the local government and calmly relayed the following message to them:
Firstly, if the workplace was unable to return their money, the three women must be allowed to practice Falun Gong.
Secondly, if the government did not allow them to practice Falun Gong, the government should provide the money to pay their hospital expenses. Falun Gong helps people to maintain good health, but now the government wants people to stop practicing Falun Gong.
Peacefully, calmly and without fear, I clarified the truth of Falun Gong to the Director of the District People's Representative Office and the secretary of the District Politics and Law Committee and got a good response. I met the head of the local police department this morning. She greeted me with a hello at first. She told me that a letter I had earlier written to a labor camp had been referred to her. She said she read the letter and would not discuss it now because she did not want to upset me. She received two letters explaining the concept that "evil deeds provoke retribution" and suspected she might have done some wrong in the past. She said she was a good person. I was very calm and told her in a peaceful voice, "I sent you one of those letters. Isn't it for your own good? We had to risk being arrested and beaten to send you that letter. We are showing you our great compassion." She smiled very happily and told me she would help me to get my ID back from the police sub-bureau. This is the effect achieved after I firmly got rid of my attachment of fear and stepped away from everyday people's notions. I now understand Teacher's words more deeply, "If you are not afraid, the factor that would make you afraid will become non-existent."("Eliminate Your Last Attachment(s)")