(Clearwisdom.net)
My cultivation state has been unstable, sometimes good and sometimes poor, for a long time now. Teacher taught us, "The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be". However, I did not have a sense of responsibility and urgency of saving sentient beings.
Several days ago, I had a dream. In the dream, I saw a huge stage of unspeakable splendor. The curtain slid open, and there were many performers slowly stepping onto the stage. They moved to the sides of the stage while leaving the brightest and the most splendid center position open. At this time, the air resonated with a voice calling my name, meaning to invite the most glorious and the greatest sage to come to the most special position. I felt doubtful, but I could not decline. So I raised my arms and started to spin (the person that was myself in the other dimension was beautiful and splendid beyond comparison) into the center position. The gigantic play went on. Surprisingly, there started to show scenes of me in the forced labor camp. Later, all kinds of clowns who tried to damage Falun Dafa came onto the stage to do short sketches, while I became one of the audience. I was absorbed by it and even applauded their performances!
When I woke up, I thought for a long time. Teacher said,
"Who is really the gallant lead in this gigantic play? I made this trip just for the sake of sentient beings." ("Descending to the Earthly World", from "New Year's Greetings to Dafa Disciples in 2003")
"The truly great men, where are they now,
Dafa begins to spread, one after another they come,
Many, many years and months - a hundred, a thousand times over,
Predestiny bears the Right Fruit, all lotus flowers bloom."
(Hongyin II, Predestiny Forms and the Lotus Blooms)
When I look back and review the past several years of my journey in Fa rectification, I saw that I was frequently falling and often played the role of someone being persecuted. I was illegally arrested, detained and put into forced labor camp many times. Why has it been like this? I really needed to think it over carefully. After the persecution started on July 20, 1999, I went to Beijing to appeal several times. Twice, I went with a human heart and for the purpose of establishing mighty virtue for myself and for my own Consummation. As a consequence, I was illegally arrested and put into a forced labor camp. While in the forced labor camp, I was deceived by the phrase, "You have already reached consummation and you do not need to cultivate any more," so I wrote the Five Statements and brought a huge loss to Dafa. After I realized that I was wrong, I was willing to lose everything and started to go to extremes to make up for the mistakes. I was always doing things from the perspective of self-cultivation when I was doing the three things Teacher taught us to do.
As a consequence, I lost my job, my family, and brought plenty of trouble to my cultivation later on. The most serious of consequences was that many sentient beings were not saved. At that time, when I read Teacher's "Towards Consummation," I also realized that I had my fundamental attachment, but I was not able to treat this seriously enough to completely eliminate the attachment. Therefore, my fundamental attachment was still there. That is, I was attached to the notion that Falun Dafa can allow me to be rid of all the sufferings of an ordinary person and bring myself a wonderful future.
During my cultivation, I felt that I could let go of everything in the human world, though in fact sometimes I only let go of the material things but not the attachment in my heart. I never let go of the human heart that longs for going to high levels. In the context of this goal, although I let go of many things in the human world, I failed to validate the Fa and led many people to misunderstand Falun Dafa. This brought obstacles for them to grasp the truth of Falun Dafa.
Precisely because of these fundamental attachments, my heart was not pure when I was doing things. I was validating myself and working for establishing my own mighty virtue, for improving myself and allowing the old forces to take advantage of myself to create many so-called tests.
Because I was suffering from severe persecution, my attachment to fear and my human heart again made me attached to resisting persecution. I was always walking into the trap set up by the old forces and failing to get out. I was afraid not to do the three things by studying the Fa, sending forth righteous thoughts and clarifying the truth. I was trying to learn lessons from the past, but everything I was doing was for the purpose of avoiding being persecuted. My mind was always feeling a lot of pressure, anxiety and fear, so much so that I could not do well enough.
When I was not doing well, I felt unbearably ashamed. When I was doing well, I became happy, showed off and became attached to myself. I was not thinking from the perspective of the Fa rectification as a whole, so I was always moved by superficial phenomena.
The attachment, in time, manifested into anxiety: when Teacher said that there was very little time left, I became very anxious and did not want to do anything but things to validate the Fa. I became too busy while doing things and could not study the Fa with a calm mind. When we had group Fa study, it was like I was in a race and even urged fellow practitioners who read slow to hurry up. After I finished studying the Fa, I was doing a large pile of things. As a consequence, I made a major mistake and brought about huge losses.
If there were ten more years for Fa rectification, I would not be so busy for sure while doing things. I probably will become attached again to living a comfortable life like an ordinary person. In "In Fa-Rectification Your Thoughts Have To Be Righteous, Not Human," Teacher said,
"When you're compared with those Dafa disciples who have strong righteous thoughts and have done well, [I have to ask,] can you really not raise your ultimate understanding of Dafa beyond this human plane? What are you really cultivating for, then?"
When I read this, I felt very ashamed.
In "Let Go of Human Attachment and Save World's People," Teacher said,
"...should let go of their long-standing human attachments and start to seize the day and comprehensively save the world's people... For a Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple, personal liberation is not the goal of cultivation: when you came, saving sentient beings was your great aspiration, and that is the responsibility and mission history has bestowed upon you in Fa-rectification. Thus great numbers of beings are to be saved by you. Dafa disciples, don't forsake the magnificent responsibility that has been bestowed upon you in Fa-rectification, and even less should you disappoint those beings, as you are now their only hope for entering the future."
Yes, it is time for me to truly let go of the human heart and raise my xinxing level to validating the Fa and saving sentient beings. My heart should be connected to my sentient beings and I should be responsible for all righteous factors in the universe. As Teacher said,
"The path that Dafa disciples have walked in validating the Fa--where as they cultivate themselves they also save sentient beings, accommodate the needs of the cosmos's Fa-rectification, and disintegrate and clear away the dark minions and rotten demons that are negatively impacting the Fa-rectification and doing evil against Dafa disciples, as well as all the elements of interference and persecution arranged by the old forces--such is the complete path of cultivation, Consummation, and becoming a magnificent god that Disciples of Dafa walk." ("My Version of a 'Stick Wake-Up")
Only when my heart is free from selfishness, do I feel fearlessness, and feel that all sentient beings are suffering. Thus is the sense of responsibility and mission suddenly awakened!