(Clearwisdom.net) Six years have passed since Teacher published "Towards Consummation" and "Eliminate Your Last Attachment(s)." Over the years, "Minghui Weekly" has published many articles about practitioners identifying their fundamental attachments. However, I was not able to find my fundamental attachments. After a while I just gave up and thought, "I am a determined Falun Gong disciple whether I have found my fundamental attachments or not." One day, I suddenly recognized my fundamental attachment.
I obtained the Fa in 1999. I was looking for a way to become healthy at the time. After the Chinese Communist Party began its persecution on July 20, 1999, I went to Tiananmen Square in Beijing to appeal for Falun Gong and was arrested by the police. At the detention center when the doctor asked me if I had any ailment, I said no, but in fact I was concealing my illness from them. Teacher said,
"No matter what attachments you held when you came to Dafa, those attachments had to be tested." (From "Teaching the Fa at the Western U.S. Fa Conference" in Guiding the Voyage.)
I often experienced symptoms that resembled sickness karma. I looked within and found the root cause of my sickness karma. I had a competitive mentality that had developed from jealousy.
Several years had passed since I obtained the Fa, but I still had not let go of my competitive mentality. I often argue when we validate the Fa or take care of family matters. I would become upset if others did not agree with me. I would argue my case until my face and ears turned red from excitement. I would even say and do very nasty things, acting like an ordinary person or worse than an ordinary person. I felt bad when my family reproached me, saying, "You call yourself a cultivator of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance? You are disgracing the good name of Falun Gong!" However, I would use Falun Gong to defend myself and to protect myself from feeling hurt. I would act self-righteously and tell them, "I may not have done well, but at least I am better than you. You just wish you could have done as well as I have!" I felt indignant, as though I had been insulted.
I am short and look very plain. There is a Chinese saying, "An ugly person has an ugly person's good fortune." I am often told that although I am ugly, I had the good fortune to marry a good man. Before, every time I heard this kind of comment, I would act nonchalant on the surface, but in my heart I would respond, "Teacher does not criticize my appearance. Who are you to criticize my looks? I am a Falun Gong disciple. You are nothing compared to me." When fellow practitioners commented that I was dim-witted and lacked wisdom, I would become defensive immediately. "I am not going to become slow simply because you call me slow. Teacher has never called me slow."
My problem was that I did not look within during conflicts. Why is this? There is one particular practitioner that I have had severe conflicts with. We always had a lot of disagreements concerning our understanding of the Fa. This practitioner is very intelligent and smart. She can come up with a number of different solutions to any given challenge. In addition, she can identify problems right away. I am a simple-minded person who speaks her mind. I am not very smart, and seldom give much thought before taking an action. It takes a lot of time for me to identify a problem or understand an issue. When a fellow practitioner tells me, "You should do it this way or that way," I would be upset if I disagreed with him/her. I always used the Fa to defend myself. For example, I would typically tell them, "You must not force your understanding on me." Later on we had to stay away from each other so that we would not argue. This other practitioner and I often had this kind of conflict. We never seemed to be able to share our understandings of the Fa. We didn't have any respect for each other.
My competitive mentality and jealousy kept growing larger until the evil exploited my giant loopholes and dragged this other practitioner into my problems. The police arrested us both and took us to a detention center. I have caused a lot of losses to the Fa, brought tribulations to this other practitioner, as well as unhappiness to my family. Because of Teacher's compassionate protection and the cooperation of fellow practitioners and my family, I was released from jail. After this costly lesson, I resolved to work well with the other practitioner and not leave any loopholes for the evil to exploit. I was determined to eliminate my competitive mentality, but later on it got the better of me again.
In September 2005, many local Falun Gong practitioners were arrested. All other practitioners in my area were very active in rescuing them and thus fulfilled their duty. Out of concern for my safety, the practitioner that I had prolonged conflicts with volunteered to do more visible tasks, which would put her in a relatively more vulnerable and risky position. I didn't appreciate her kind thoughts. In fact, I disagreed with the way she did things. I accused her of being devious, but in fact she was very resourceful. During an argument, she said that she had been arrested because of me and now she felt wrongly accused when she was trying to protect both of us. I was unwilling to lose the argument, so I told her that it was a test that she was supposed to overcome. The truth was that I didn't have any tolerance when I encountered conflicts. I had no regard for other people's feelings as long as I was not the one that got hurt. I have not used the Fa to tell right from wrong. Instead, I have responded to everything and everyone like an ordinary person.
We both felt sorry for what happened. I cried large tears in front of Teacher's photograph, begging for Teacher's help to eliminate my competitive mentality! I finally identified my lack of respect for smarter fellow practitioners, as well as my competitive mentality and my jealousy. Through my study of the Fa, I have finally found my inadequacies. When I admitted my mistakes, the conflicts naturally disappeared. Teacher is right:
"The Fa can break all attachments." (From "Drive Out Interference" in Essentials for Further Advancement II.)
When I calmed down and searched within, I realized that this practitioner had helped a lot, encouraged me and pointed out many things that I had failed to think about.
When another practitioner had a conflict with her husband, I didn't help her look within for her attachment. Instead, I criticized her husband, who was not a cultivator. I accused her husband of having an ill temper and persecuting his wife like a depraved Chinese policeman. When I made these nasty accusations, I actually felt like I was standing up for her, while in reality, her husband thinks Falun Gong is good and has endured a lot of pressure because of her.
Looking back over the past few years, I realized that I had been studying and following the Fa as though it was everyday people's theories. I did not make sincere efforts to eliminate my competitive mentality or jealousy. As a result, conflicts with other practitioners and my family escalated. The old forces have been dragging me down due to my attachments. Whatever I thought and whatever I said, it was all about me. I had a severe attachment to myself. Put simply, I had been most selfish. I thought of changing others and did not want to change myself. On the other hand, Teacher used these opportunities to help me improve and move to another cultivation level, so I could "attain the righteous Enlightenment of selflessness and altruism." (From "Non-Omission in Buddha-Nature" in Essentials for Further Advancement.)
However, I failed to cherish these opportunities. The evil and my attachment to self got the better of me. I missed one opportunity after another to improve in cultivation. For several years since I obtained the Fa, I have not transcended this level. I feel as though I acted just as Teacher said,
"For a long period of time the sentient beings in Dafa, especially the disciples, have had a misunderstanding of the Fa at various levels regarding xinxing improvement. Whenever a tribulation comes, you do not see it with the side of your original nature but view it completely with your human side. Evil demons then capitalize on this point and inflict endless interference and damage, leaving students in long-term tribulations." (From "Expounding on the Fa" in Essentials for Further Advancement.)
In the process of validating the Fa and saving sentient beings, everything we encounter has to do with our own cultivation and our own thoughts. It is our attachments that tempt the old forces to manipulate dark minions, rotten demons and the evil Communist Party specter in other dimensions to persecute us. Teacher said,
"As I've said, everything that happens today in the ordinary society is the result of Dafa disciples' thoughts. Even though the old forces do exist, if you don't have those thoughts they can't do anything. When your righteous thoughts are strong enough the old forces can't do a thing." (From "Teaching the Fa at the 2002 Fa Conference in Philadelphia, U.S.A.")
Now that I have found my fundamental attachments, I am doing a better job in communicating and coordinating with fellow practitioners. From now on, I shall cooperate with every fellow practitioner to validate the Fa and save sentient beings. I will cherish this opportunity that comes only once in all eternity and do well the three things Teacher requires of us.
My personal understandings are limited because of my present cultivation level. Please kindly point out anything inappropriate.
