(Clearwisdom.net)
Since the publication of Teacher's article "Toward Consummation," I have searched for my fundamental attachment but could not find it. The issue of self-cultivation has been the most difficult part of my cultivation path. Problems with my family have also been challenging. These things have been bothering me for the past several years. However, all of my worries disappeared after I found my attachment.
Both my husband and I have short tempers and would never yield to each other. We spent most of our time fighting. My husband was sentenced to prison and his family also had several accidents. I asked my mother-in-law to live with me and led her to practice Dafa. Three years later my husband was released. Though he had no income he spent money freely while I am thrifty. I tried to tolerate him, but he still picked on me. Once, over a minor issue, he pointed his finger at my nose and insulted me in the presence of my mother-in-law and my friends. I was miserable and often cried, holding Teacher's photo.
Since I practice Dafa, I understood the principles and realized that I need to pay back my debts. When I encountered conflicts, I always tried to improve my xinxing and thought that this was paying back my debts. But because I did not find my fundamental attachment, conflicts still continued. I still could not always control my temper. This bothered me for a long time.
It was after carefully reading the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party four times that I truly found my fundamental attachment: the heart of fighting. It has been deep-rooted in me for many years. Sometimes it comes out without my even knowing it.
When I looked within, I found that when I talked to my husband, I always had an unyielding attitude and challenging tone of voice. I had not talked with him peacefully since he had returned from prison. Although I tolerated him superficially, I looked down on him in my heart. I thought: "You are dependent on my salary but now you want to control me. If I were not a practitioner, I would have divorced you. I didn't divorce you only because Teacher asked me to be a good person."
With this kind of thinking I could not really care for him or think well of him. Usually he did the grocery shopping and bought the vegetables. But every time he got home, I was always unhappy with what he had bought. Understandably, this agitated him. I then tried to have tolerance. One time he spent nearly 100 yuan to buy a bouquet for my birthday. I not only did not thank him, but I also was very unhappy and complained that he had spent too much money. He was initially very happy but became depressed after that. My birthday was ruined.
In retrospect, all of this is my fault. I always wanted to be strong. Before cultivation, I had the nickname "Superwoman" and would never yield to others. After cultivation, although I could tolerate fellow practitioners and friends, I could not do it at home. My behavior was far from the standard of a practitioner. How could I achieve "Truth, Compassion, Tolerance"? My cultivation state varied all the time. How could I save sentient beings when I could not cultivate myself well?
A fellow practitioner said that there is no shortcut in cultivation and only by studying the Fa well can we look within, change ourselves, and improve. If we are not compassionate to our family members who have shortcomings, it is as if we are not cultivating. His words inspired me.
Once I found my attachment, I changed my attitude. Now I see my husband's strong points and my own shortcomings. I cared for him and became considerate. I also clarified the truth to him constantly.
Because of my change, my husband changed his attitude toward Dafa. Initially he claimed that he would send me to the public security bureau. Now he has come to understand and support Dafa. He often helps me to buy tapes, repair the tape recorder and maintain the Dafa books. So that I could study the Fa at night, he bought several desk lamps and clamped one to the bed. He bought me an alarm clock so that I will not miss the 12:00 a.m. time to send forth righteous thoughts. On "World Falun Dafa Day," he ordered a cake with three white lotus flowers on top (because his mother, myself, and our granddaughter are practitioners), and offered it in front of Teacher's photo. He also bought some fruit.
While I was writing this article, I asked my husband to buy some paper. He forgot and only remembered it once he got home. He then went back out to get it. His change has made the whole family happy and influenced our daughter. She bought me a cell phone for Dafa work. For safety reasons, she changes the card every time I use it up. They all withdrew from the CCP, too.
My cultivation environment is becoming better and better. I have come to a deeper understanding of Teacher's Fa. My long-term worries were all because I could not find my attachment. Once I found it, I had to thoroughly get rid of it and not allow the evil to take advantage of a practitioner's attachments.
On February 20, 2006