(Clearwisdom.net) I was deeply inspired by the article, "Ancient Chinese Stories of Cultivation: The 'Benevolent' Mr. Wang, a Buddhist Cultivator" (http://www.clearwisdom.net/emh/articles/2005/10/15/65895.html). In fact I was shocked after reading it and felt, as if awakened from a dream, because Mr. Wang's actions and thoughts are like a reflection of mine. A lot of my attachments and flaws were revealed to me while reading the article, and I would like to share my experience with other practitioners.
I have not been able to handle well my relationship with my husband, who does not practice Falun Gong. I have always seen him as a hindrance in my cultivation path. I treated him the way Mr. Wang treated the old man, who (in the story) was in fact the Living Buddha in disguise. My husband did not understand why I put all my time and effort into Dafa-related work and took no time for our relationship. I did not look inside; instead, I blamed him for being "amoral" and I even regretted marrying him. Sometimes, I would even dream about having a husband who was a cultivator and about how much work we could get done together. In retrospect I see how selfish I was and was deeply ashamed about only thinking of myself and not of my husband. Such selfish thoughts and actions show that I was indeed "Lost in stupefying illusion, and vainly dreaming of journeying to the Western Paradise" (from "Acting with Intent" in Hongyin, Translation A). In fact, the poor display of my xinxing at home was the very thing that prevented my husband from understanding Dafa. Although I thought I had understood Dafa myself, I was not living it. Like the "Benevolent Mr. Wang," all I was thinking of was myself and doing things to "hurry quickly on the road."
In fact, this happened not just at home but also at my workplace and in relationships with fellow practitioners. All I have thought about is myself and my Dafa work, always thinking, "I cannot let this delay my work." I always felt that I was doing the right thing because I was doing it to save sentient beings. Whenever I felt that other people were hindering my "doing work," I would become impatient. At my workplace, I did not offer to help to my colleagues, because by doing so, I would not have time to "do my own things." On the surface, the excuse seemed reasonable as I thought, "I am not doing this for myself, I am doing this to save sentient beings." Whenever fellow practitioners shared their experiences, but took too long, I would become impatient almost immediately, thinking, "This is such a waste of time! Especially now that time is so precious." I treated Dafa-related tasks as work, and sadly, I did not realize that such a selfish and self-centered attachment was buried underneath it.
Sometimes when I heard people saying that practitioners from a certain area or in a certain project group had very good cultivation experience sharing and that practitioners there were able to improve very quickly, I would become very envious, and would want to choose a project group that also had very good sharing as well, hoping that it would give my own personal cultivation a great boost. How could such an outward looking person with such strong attachments, actions filled with intent, and selfish thinking ever improve in cultivation and save sentient beings?
Finally, I realized that every minute and every second in our lives is for cultivation. I have to remember that I am a cultivator, firmly in my mind, every single moment of my life. I have to use a cultivator's standard to regard every incident and through them, improve and cultivate myself. When I became enlightened to my shortcomings, I was able to have empathy for my husband and started to truly consider him first. Soon he became very thoughtful and supportive and in the end my home environment grew more and more harmonious.
I am ashamed that I have cultivated for so many years and yet it took so long for me to be able to see my shortcomings in cultivation. I hope that others may be able to learn from my experiences and remember that we must always look inside, cultivate ourselves, and not be the "Mr. Wang who hurries on the road."
