(Clearwisdom.net) Nowadays many fellow practitioners are searching for their respective fundamental attachments. I have been contemplating the same issue for a long time. I thought I had identified my fundamental attachment, but I had never exposed it. I seemed somewhat reluctant to part with it. As I continued to dig into it, I realized that I had depended on it and even tried to protect it. My fundamental attachment is doubting whether Falun Dafa is real.
My doubts started as soon as I obtained the Fa in 1997. It was an obstacle in my cultivation practice. I had treated it like thought karma, denying it when I studied the Fa. During group Fa study or experience-sharing gatherings, I would suppress it with my knowing side. However, it would surface and interfere with my thoughts whenever I let my guard down. Its direct goal is to drag me back to the everyday people's level.
When the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) started its persecution of Falun Gong in 1999, I was still very determined in my cultivation practice. I had no fear despite the threat of forced labor camp. I even went to Beijing alone to safeguard the Fa. However, I failed to validate the Fa when I arrived at Tiananmen Square. In hindsight, it was my fundamental attachment that had stopped me from doing so. At the pivotal moment, thought karma surfaced and said to me, "Is Falun Dafa real? If it is real, is it worth sacrificing my life for it? But if it is not real, I will make myself look ridiculous."
I had a hard life before I obtained the Fa. When I was little, I was known as a good, obedient child in my neighborhood. After I reached adulthood, I experienced endless tribulations. I was even sentenced to two years in prison because my relatives and friends deceived me. In addition, I entered a pyramid sales scheme because of a relative's arrangement. I was deceived by fake kindness, fake sincerity, and fake altruism. As a result, my close relatives and friends lost a lot of money. I felt terribly guilty. But when the real Falun Dafa that I have been waiting for through numerous reincarnations came into my life, I hesitated to believe in it wholeheartedly.
This obstacle stopped me from obtaining the Fa for several months. Several accidents, demanding business activities, and a lack of time presented themselves. It was not until a Fa conference was held in my area that I overcame all kinds of interference to attend the conference. As soon as I entered the Fa conference, the powerful energy field of over 1,000 fellow Falun Gong practitioners enveloped me. I found a seat in the back of the conference room. As soon as I sat down, I noticed the Falun emblem on the stage. Like an orphan who has just found his parents, tears poured down my face. I shouted out loud in my heart, "I want to return to my true home! This is not the place for me."
During those years before the persecution started, Teacher hinted at my fundamental attachment several times. I still remember them to this day. Nevertheless, my fundamental attachment survived stubbornly. The old forces used it to interfere with my cultivation practice. For the past few years of cultivation practice after the persecution started, I was not diligent enough. I stumbled and fell repeatedly. Even to this day, I stumble and fall because of it. For the past two years, I have been doing the Three Things with varying degrees of diligence. I didn't have a sense of urgency. I hesitated especially when I clarified the truth face to face. Sometimes thought karma would tell me, "You are in no position to give advice on other people's illnesses when you have illness yourself!"
This became an excuse for me to slack off in my cultivation practice. I was ashamed of myself compared to those diligent fellow practitioners. On the other hand, I thought, "If I had undergone such a tremendous health improvement like they did, I, too, would have been as diligent. Isn't clarifying the truth simply about telling people the facts about Falun Gong? It is no big deal." The truth is that I was unable to do anything because my xinxing level was not up to par.
Sometimes I would think, "Each practitioner has a different cultivation path. Each practitioner experiences tribulations. Perhaps this is a test for me. I might not recover my health until the end of the Fa-rectification. Even if my illness remains, I will have an unshakeable faith in the Fa. But it does not seem like a path Teacher has arranged for us. How can I clarify the truth and save more people if I am not completely healthy? Isn't this the old forces' arrangement? Did I sign a pact with the old forces in the past?"
I dared not face or admit these complicated thoughts because they shouldn't have come from a cultivator, especially a veteran cultivator. This is the precise reason why I must expose these thoughts. The very reason why I wrote this article was to expose my fundamental attachment. Only by studying the Fa more will I be able to eliminate my fundamental attachment to self and selfishness. Teacher said,
"This instant is precious beyond measure." ("Teaching the Fa in the City of Chicago")
I must cherish this instant. I must not leave too much regret for the future.
