Shared at 2006 New York Falun Dafa Experience Sharing Conference
(Clearwisdom.net) In Zhuan Falun, it states that,
"Lao Zi said: 'When a wise person hears the Tao, this person will practice it diligently. When an average person hears it, this person will practice it on and off. When a foolish person hears it, this person will laugh at it loudly. If this person doesn't laugh at it loudly, it's not the Tao.'"
In the past whenever I read this passage I would think that I am that wise person and feel proud! Master gave this Fa to me and I understand it! Out of billions of people in the world I am one of the lucky few that have been given this Fa! It used to be that every morning I would read the Fa and I would feel great. I felt that I had a good understanding of Master's sacred Fa, and after I finished reading I would place the book down and go on with my day.
I have also done a lot during the Fa rectification. I look back on my 6 years of cultivation and from the surface I think I seem like a very diligent practitioner and a wise person who has attained the Fa.
We all want to be the wise person. No practitioner wants to feel or admit that he is that average person.
Unfortunately, now I realize that I am that average person who is learning the Fa.
During my cultivation when projects went smoothly I felt that my cultivation state was good and I could handle everything well. I would sit and read Zhuan Falun and do the exercises, and the principles in the book would truly bring me great understandings and a feeling of wisdom and happiness. I truly felt like I was a wise person who was following the Fa.
When I ran into problems with others and when situations got hectic and disorganized, I would criticize others and become stressed out. My heart would be moved and I would fight back like an everyday person. I did not apply the principles that I had studied in Zhuan Falun, just like an average person who learns the Fa.
Our 2006 New Year Gala in Toronto came and went. However, the only thing I truly remember from that time was all the opportunities I lost to truly cultivate and raise my level like a wise person. During the gala I was very concerned because I saw that practitioners were so accustomed to leaving many things for the last minute as they usually do in many Dafa projects, and that this was a very unprofessional way to do things when working with outside businesses. I felt that this immaturity could potentially harm the relationships with our sponsors and our reputation for future Galas.
However, instead of quietly helping with the situation and cultivating my heart like a wise person who practices the Fa diligently would do, my heart was moved and I became very tense and nervous, got into many disagreements and criticized almost every practitioner involved in the project.
One practitioner was using her cell phone as the hotline number for ticket sales. One day I criticized her badly because she had missed a few calls. That night she went to bed, and in the morning when she woke up she had her phone clutched tightly in her hands because she was afraid to miss any calls. I felt really bad after that.
When the Gala was over I looked inside to realize my shortcomings. But by that time it was too late. I had already failed many tests, and although I looked inside at the very end,I was more like that average person who would cultivate some of the time but not diligently all of the time.
Master asked us long ago to get rid of our fundamental attachments. I only recently enlightened to a fundamental attachment of why I joined Dafa in the first place. I always thought it was to cultivate, but I recently realized it was to have a happy life and to be happy.
Ever since I left high school I remember being unhappy. For many years I tried to find my happiness by looking externally. Then after many hard years, I found Dafa.
I would sit and read Zhuan Falun and do the exercises and the principles in the book would truly bring me great understandings and a feeling of wisdom and happiness.
However, as soon as I put the book down and interacted with practitioners or my family, my righteous understandings from the Fa would quickly disappear and I would once again feel frustrated and tense. When I got into tribulations, I would use the heart of an everyday person and fight to have my idea used, and to save face.
When the tribulations got too much, I would look to the Fa again for my happiness.
I have looked to Falun Gong to solve my problems. When I am feeling down, I read more and do the exercises more and I feel better. When I am feeling up I tend to slack off and get busier doing things. Before long I find my self in more tribulations and not able to handle them well.
Like others who have come to Falun Gong to heal their illnesses, I looked to Falun Gong to solve my problems and make me happy. It is the same principle.
The old forces look for these exact loopholes to test practitioners.
They may think, "This guy wants to be happy and he wants to use the Fa to be happy! Here, lets make his family life miserable and see how he does! Let's make people attack him and verbally abuse him and see if he can give up the attachment!"
"This guy wants to use the Fa to heal his illness? Let's make him ill to see if he can let the attachment go. Let's make him really sick!"
"This lady wants people to be kind to her and to like her? Let's make everyone hate her and say bad things to her. Let's see if she can give up the attachment!"
This principle is true and the old forces use our loopholes to persecute us.
In Zhuan Falun, Master tells us,
"In the past, whether people practiced qigong in parks or at home, they did it with much effort and dedication, and they practiced quite well. Once they stepped out the door, they would act differently and go their own way, competing and fighting with others for fame and profit among everyday people. How could they increase gong?"
I saw myself just like those people who want their gong to increase by doing the exercises and looking to the Fa, but not truly upgrading their xinxing.
Master tells us in Zhuan Falun that practice is only a modifier and that cultivation is the most fundamental. Master gave me the Fa and the exercises so I could use the Fa as a guide to cultivate my heart in everyday life. It is when these tribulations come that we must cultivate, and most of the time I don't.
Master has told us in "Towards Consummation,"
"Do you know that one of the biggest excuses the old evil forces use at present to persecute Dafa is that your fundamental attachments remain concealed? So in order to identify those people, the tribulations have been made more severe." ("Towards Consummation," Essentials for Further Advancement II)
Our hidden attachments can also be exploited by the old forces into very serious issues. Many practitioners are battling serious illness karma and some are dying.
For a long time, I held the notion that because I was a Fa-Rectification Dafa disciple and since I was so busy helping Master, that nothing could harm me. However, instead of truly cultivating and following Master's #1 requirement to raise my xinxing during tribulations, I ignored my attachments instead because I was so busy doing Fa rectification work.
In January 2005, I started what I thought was karmic elimination in the form of a flu. The flu symptoms later turned into heavy diarrhea and cramping. I took it all lightly because I felt it was a great clearing of a lot of filthy things that I had been holding onto in my mind and body. I actually remember laughing because I was happy that this was happening.
Then things started to get worse. Days went by and I couldn't eat. I started to bleed internally. The urge to go to the toilet was constant, and when I went I would fill the toilet with blood. My energy was depleted to the point that I could not get up. My body temperature was way above normal. I was constantly soaking from cold sweats. The cramps started to become constant heavy sharp pain. I couldn't sleep. This lasted for 2 weeks. I lost 30 pounds.
Practitioners came everyday and stayed by my side. My wife never left my side. They would send forth righteous thoughts and try to get me to eat. The only thing I could do was to touch Master's picture. I was even too weak and in pain to listen to Master's lectures. One night I had the thought that I was going to die. The thought was so comfortable. I really wanted to leave. But then a thought came to me. How can I leave? I have to still fulfill my mission; I am no good to anyone dead. So I continued to hang on.
I tried to break out of the grip of this attack, but I couldn't no matter how hard I tried.
Then my father called. He yelled and screamed at me to go to the hospital. I did not want to go. My father was furious and started to say really bad things about Dafa because of my refusal to go to the hospital.
I felt very upset and angry, but I also felt I should go to the hospital to stop him from saying bad things. When I arrived the doctor told me I had to stay. I did not want to stay. I wanted to go home. I could not handle the pain any longer. I apologized to Master. I was so ashamed that I was in this situation.
I stayed in the hospital for over 3 weeks taking food and drugs intravenously.
I felt so ashamed of myself. I knew I had failed a really big test. Others tried to tell me it was an attack from the evil and that I had to deny the old forces. I knew that part of this was true.
However, deep down I also knew the fundamental reason that the old forces were able to attack me was because my xinxing level was so low. I knew in my heart that it was because of a lack of cultivating my heart and letting go of attachments, and that the loopholes were directly caused by me.
Master tells us how to differentiate between good people and bad people. The person who is able to follow the nature of the universe is a good person.
Only when you assimilate to the nature of Zhen-Shan-Ren (Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance) will your gong improve.
Whether it is healing illness, or wanting to be happy or wanting everything to go smoothly, the principle is exactly the same. Dafa will not give me what I want, because what I want is an attachment that must be let go, and Dafa will not give me my attachment. I had tried to use the Fa as protection and to satisfy my desire for happiness, but Dafa is only there to guide me to genuinely cultivate and let go of these very attachments.
Many practitioners are very busy and very stressed out. Many have negative attitudes and hidden desires for ease. We may be able to fool other people and we may be able to fool ourselves by pretending our attachments do not exist. But the only person we are harming is our self - and because we are so slow to enlighten,we are slowing Master down. Master is still waiting for us to let go of ourselves.
Even today I still cannot look Master in the eye because I feel so ashamed for wasting so much time.
Through all the tribulations and failed tests I can feel the pace of Fa rectification continue to accelerate faster and faster. At times I feel I am being carried by the body of practitioners. Because of Master's complete benevolence, I continue to get chances to do better, and because of my fellow practitioners who push me to go forward, I feel very thankful for my environment.
I would like to end this sharing with a great experience on how I have broken through this and have made fundamental changes, but I can't. I am still taking small steps to become more diligent and to catch up.
