(Clearwisdom.net) Another spring arrived with 2006. In the silence of the night, looking back at the bumpy cultivation road, my heart is full of appreciation of Master. I made it this far only because of Master's benevolent protection.
I began Fa study in October 1995 while in college. I saw a copy of Zhuan Falun in a bookstore and I felt a strong energy field surrounding me. The book's content appealed to me. I bought a copy and finished the whole book in three days. Since then, my life has changed completely. At that time I simply felt that this book was really good and pure, which let me know the purpose of being a human being from a new angle. For years, I had insomnia and always felt dizzy. Since I was weak, I was always worried that I might not finish school. My health situation improved just after I finished the book. I looked for an exercise site to learn the exercise, discovering one on my campus. A college instructor taught the exercises free of charge.
I started practicing Falun Gong. I cultivated my xinxing, obeying the principles in the book. Gradually, I eliminated many bad attachments and recovered my health. Master teaches us,
"In order to cure illness or eliminate tribulations and karma, these people must practice cultivation and return to their original, true selves." "One's gong level is as high as one's xinxing level..." "...the entire cultivation process for a practitioner is one of constantly giving up human attachments." "As a practitioner, if you assimilate yourself to this characteristic you are one that has attained the Tao--it's just such a simple principle." ("Lecture One" from Zhuan Falun)
I felt that this qigong practice was very good. There was some suffering, but there was also a lot of happiness. When practicing in foggy weather in particular I felt like I was in heaven. That period of time was very happy, and the happy time went by very fast.
After July 1999 the evil persecution was overwhelming. Initially I didn't know what to do. In the silence of the night I thought carefully about my cultivation process, recalling studying the Fa with fellow practitioners. We discussed each problem and searched inward, eliminated our own shortcomings, and tried our best to improve ourselves. All of our efforts were to get rid of our selfishness, and to try to consider others first at every moment. We didn't do anything that cannot be publicized or was evil. All instructions for our righteous behavior come from the Fa and Master's articles. My own experience taught me that if one studies the Fa carefully, this person will be better and better, and he will definitely not do any bad deeds. Any other teachings cannot have such a good result. Therefore this teaching, which guides us to cultivate, must be the best. I felt that sentient beings were being be misled by those with ulterior motives.
My family was strongly against me practicing during that time. I tried my best to explain things to them. I asked them "Don't you also think it is good that I don't smoke or drink, and I don't have any bad habits? I am like that only because I follow the principles in Zhuan Falun. Why are you against it?" But my family was still worried that others would find out about my Falun Gong books. They burned the books when I was not home. I asked myself how I could still cultivate without the books? The desperate feeling of not being able to read the books and do the exercises was suffocating. It was fortunate that I could use a computer. I found an email address of an overseas practitioner through the Internet. I asked him to send me Master's articles. I really appreciated this fellow practitioner who sent me the articles a few days later and helped me log onto the Minghui/Clearwisdom website. I was very happy. I downloaded the articles and read them every day. I also read practitioners' experience sharing articles, which made me feel even more that Falun Dafa is the most righteous, and the truth of the universe. I became sleepless after reading practitioners' experiences of suffering from the persecution. At my workplace I hadn't told anyone that I was practicing qigong, which in many people's mind, is practiced by older people. I didn't want anyone to laugh at me since I was so young. But then I decided to clarify the truth to people. There were so many practitioners coming to Beijing to clarify the truth. I was already in Beijing, so I should do better.
I downloaded the articles from the Minghui website and made flyers. Since I still had some fear, at the outset I only dared to pass out the flyers in the evening or when no one was around. I was very nervous when doing it and felt relaxed after finishing distributing the flyers. Gradually I got better and the fear left. However, I became lazy. My schoolwork and exams took a lot of time. I almost stopped clarifying the truth. I left home early for school and returned very late. I felt bad and empty in my heart, and I only felt temporarily at peace when looking at Master's picture on the computer or reading the Fa. Since I didn't read practitioners' sharing for long time during that period and didn't read the Fa deeply either, I became a Chinese Communist Party (CCP) member. Although I didn't know very clearly that the CCP needs to be eliminated, I still felt bad about having joined. Later, when I read Master's article about quitting the Party, I immediately quit under my real name. I also announced that all the things I had written that violate the Fa are void.
That period was a difficult cultivation time for me. I experienced mental tribulations time and again, testing me to determine if I really believed in Master. It was just like what Master said,
"At a certain point in time, you will be made unable to discern clearly whether something is true, whether your gong exists, whether you can practice cultivation and make it, or whether there are Buddhas and if they are real." ("Lecture Six" in Zhuan Falun)
Each time tribulations came I asked myself "Has Master ever lied to me? Hasn't what Master said been already realized in my cultivation? Aren't my improvement and realizations real?" There is no other way to improve a human's moral level. Although I had clear answers to those questions, fear still trapped me in the everyday person's maze. I was afraid that clarifying the truth would effect my family negatively and I would be persecuted. But when I saw there were many people who didn't know the truth and therefore disrespected Dafa, I felt very bad. The conflicts in my mind severely agitated my heart. Sometimes I thought about it even when I woke up from a dream. In the deep silent night I often cried before Master's picture and thought about my future.
The Internet was then also blockaded, so I could not read Master's new articles. Another practitioner sent me an email introducing me a software program that can break through the firewall and blockade. Although I didn't get it right away, I started paying attention to that kind of software. Since I had not followed Master's Fa-rectification trend at that time, I attended the CCP's so-called "Maintaining the Advancement of the CCP" activities. Moreover, due to some bad human attachment, I was involved in a dangerous incident - several people beat me for a small thing, causing me to be bedridden for one week. During that week I thought carefully about everything. I realized that cultivators do not experience "coincidences." There must be something wrong with me, and the evil took the advantage of my loophole. After I recovered, I got another email from a fellow practitioner. I really appreciate those fellow practitioners who clarify the truth on the Internet. Because of them, I got the computer program to break through the Internet blockade. It is difficult to express my feelings when I was able to open the Minghui website (Chinese version of Clearwisdom.net) again. I cried without knowing it. I downloaded Master's new articles and read them right away.
Master has said that one cannot be called a "Dafa Disciple" if one cannot validate Dafa. My fear had wasted a lot of time. I really regretted that. After reading Master's new articles, "Let Go of Human Attachments and Save the World's People" and "My Version of a 'Stick Wake-up'," I thought about my cultivation. Wasn't Master talking about me in these two articles? At the beginning, I did certain things a disciple should do, but I slacked off after a while and developed some attachments, so the old forces took advantage of my loopholes.
After I came to realize this, I resumed doing things a Dafa disciple should do. Although I cannot have contact with other practitioners, I downloaded materials from the Internet, since I had that special computer program. I edited and printed the truth-clarification materials according to the local situation, and handed out materials in the countryside and residential areas. Initially there were obstacles everywhere. For example, it rained exactly when I had scheduled to do something. However, although this appeared to be a difficult task, with my strong will and determination, things would turn out for the best. Once, when planning to go to a village to distribute materials, it snowed hard while I was printing the flyers. Should I go or not? Finally, I made up my mind to go. Although the road was tough, handing out the flyers went smoothly. I felt good on the way back, for a lot of people would come to know the truth.
Master instructed us,
"But now that Master said that, don't go and act like you've again realized something, and then some of you might immediately stop doing everything else and focus solely on, and do nothing but, Dafa things. In that case you might then be used by the old forces, because what they are doing is taking advantage of your gaps. Today, what I'm telling Dafa disciples to do is to cultivate among ordinary people in a way that conforms to ordinary people as much as possible. You can't go to extremes. Just go about things steadily like that and fully play the role of a Dafa disciple as you validate the Fa. You have many, many challenges; in addition to doing well in things to validate Dafa, in this world you also need to maintain relationships with other people, with your family, and in society. It is hard. It's hard, but that is the path that a Dafa disciple must take." ("Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Chicago Conference")
When clarifying the truth I also paid attention to myself, making sure not to go to extremes. Clarifying the truth is not to validate oneself or for one's own cultivation. Instead, it emerges from one's compassion and is meant to rescue people. We should just do what we should and not pursue anything. I used various methods in my truth-clarification. Some of them included sending emails through the Internet. I collected email addresses and sent them to the Minghui website and also collected phone numbers and sent them to overseas practitioners.
While working with this process, I really felt that non-practitioners' attitudes toward Dafa have changed. At the beginning of the persecution my family was strongly against Dafa, but after they read or watched some truth-clarification materials, they had a new understanding of Dafa and also changed their attitudes toward my practicing. Since I had been in a bad situation of persecution, I was never in the mood for dating. Now I have a girlfriend. When we first began dating I was worried about her attitude towards Dafa, but after I clarified the truth to her she also awakened from the CCP propaganda. Moreover, when she saw that other practitioners around her were not like what the CCP had described, she also realized that long-time cultivators have already gotten rid of a lot of bad habits. She further became aware that although a practitioner is not yet perfect before reaching Consummation, s/he is sincere toward others and considers others first at every moment. Practitioners have kind hearts, so they can take care of others. When I balanced the relationship between cultivation and family, my girlfriend realized that cultivators are really good persons, so she too supports my practice.
Several days ago I discovered information regarding agents of the CCP harvesting organs from living Falun Gong practitioners in labor camps, jails and secret concentration camps, such as Sujiatun. My heart felt such pain! But after rationally thinking about it, I realized that a cultivator must not be trapped by the emotion of sadness. The evildoers' craziness will not make Dafa disciples capitulate. Instead, it will only make Dafa disciples see the evil's true nature more clearly. The reason that the evildoers are getting crazier and more rampant is because they are getting weaker and weaker. It also demonstrates that the Fa-rectification is coming to the surface level. We should expose these fiends more when they are getting more evil. I printed out the organ harvesting information and handed it out with the Falun Dafa Association's announcement.
Compared to fellow practitioners who have sacrificed everything, I still have many attachments and shortcomings. There is wind and rain on the cultivation road but a bright future awaits after the wind and rain are gone. I hope that all the Dafa disciples will do the three things well and not betray Master's compassionate salvation.
April 16, 2006
