(Clearwisdom.net) After I read the "Solemn Declarations" by
practitioners, I decided to write a solemn declaration because I had turned in
Dafa books and didn't prevent my parents from burning the books. However the
Minghui/Clearwisdom website did not publish the solemn declaration I submitted.
Then I noticed that Minghui published other practitioners' written declarations
that I helped submit. Later, I resubmitted my declaration, but it was again not
published. I couldn't find the reason for this and temporarily dropped the
matter.
Recently, I was involved in a project that required a certain skill. However,
because for a long time I thought I held an attachment to this skill, I did not
learn it. But when the skill was needed I felt ill-prepared and it was very
difficult for me to be associated with this project. From this experience, I
suddenly realized that I thought I was cultivating well, but actually I was
evading everything that might eliminate my attachment. The method I used was the
technique adopted in cultivation systems of the past, when a cultivator tried
his best to inhibit those stubborn attachments and tried not to touch upon them,
instead of genuinely getting rid of the attachments, as a Dafa disciple should
do. I was walking the path that the old forces arranged for me. Now I truly
realized that it was not because I took a tortuous path in cultivation that my
declaration was not published, it was because I was not a Dafa disciple at all.
Teacher said,
"They don't realize it at all; their intentions are deeply concealed. Nowadays
people have become very crafty. People today know how to hide their attachments.
And then they hide the hiding of their attachments. When I look at this kind of
person I know it's really hard to save him. When I give him a hint about it, he
himself doesn't even realize this concealment of the thing he uses to hide his
hiding. What's more, when I point out his real problem--when my Law Bodies point
out his real problem--he tries to deceive my Law Bodies, as if he were dealing
with ordinary humans. He fakes it and says, 'Oh, I was wrong.' Then he again
finds another cover to hide what he's hidden--he uses another cover." ("Teaching
the Fa at the Assistants' Fa Conference in Changchun")
That is the core of all my problems. For a long time, I could not realize at all
that I was covering up my deep attachments using a seemingly noble excuse. When
facing tribulations, I told myself that it was a "test" and I "didn't care
about" worldly profits. However, what I really cared for was whether I would be
hurt. Dafa became my shelter and excuse to become disinterested in whatever the
outcome might be. On the surface, because I never pursued anything, I was
disinterested in whether I could gain anything or not. In actuality, I was
evading the reality rather than confronting it. I often had expectations for
things. For example, when I read fellow practitioners' experience sharing
articles on how they negated the old force's arrangements with righteous
thoughts and righteous actions, I wanted to be able to do so myself. When I
failed to do so, I would tell myself I didn't have any attachment to it and did
not care about the outcome. Deep inside, I was worried that what I cared about
would be lost, so I tried to deceive myself into believing that I was not
interested in it. It was not true cultivation. It was self-deception.
Before I became a practitioner, I pursued "perfection" among everyday people. I
am quite nice-looking and I was a very good student at school. Although I was
truant at times, I was able to quickly catch up because I was smart. In
addition, I am good at physical exercises and I am a quick learner in many
things. Because I have such advantages, I hoped to perfect myself. When I became
a practitioner, I paid attention to doing well and thought I could manifest the
goodness of a Dafa practitioner by doing so. On the surface, I was cultivating
myself, but I was doing well for the sake of doing things well, for the sake of
getting closer to the perfect image I had in my mind. I failed to assimilate to
Dafa unconditionally and to get rid of human thinking. Once a problem arose, I
would adjust my definition of "perfection" and try to do well based on my new
definition. My attachment to fame often popped up. It was also because I had
this kind of human notion.
I didn't recognize this problem for a long time. When it surfaced, I always
tried to cover it up. When an attachment manifested itself and it was time to
eliminate the attachment, I would imagine how I would behave otherwise or how I
would be in another state if I didn't have this attachment Then I would conduct
myself based on the "state" I imagined without the attachment. I seemed to be
cultivating, but in reality, I was still deceiving myself. I didn't want to
change myself fundamentally. Also, I didn't realize that this thought process
was not my true self.
Another attachment I had and always hid was the attachment to seeking other
people's recognition. When talking to other people or doing things, I always
tried to be very considerate and caring, and I was able to see their needs.
Oftentimes, I tried to avoid conflicts and helped others to resolve their
conflicts as a peacemaker. For a long time, I thought it was because I was
afraid of facing conflicts, so I encouraged myself to confront conflicts.
However, the results were always bad. I could not figure out what was wrong.
I have a good command of many skills and I am indeed very knowledgeable.
However, when compared with experts in these fields, I tended to ignore details.
Therefore, I often pretended to be modest, or when talking to an expert, I
touched upon the topic in his/her field and changed the subject to areas I knew
more about. I was actually trying to seek others' recognition and acknowledgment
that I knew many other things, because I knew quite a lot in his/her own field
and in addition, many other things in other areas. I was indeed very crafty.
I also tried to say every sentence and do every trivial thing more
appropriately. On the surface, being appropriate was meant to not hurt others,
but in essence, I was trying to get others to agree with my viewpoint without
hurting them, and to seek their recognition. I only sought to change others, but
not to change myself. All my attachments were hidden in a crafty way, and I
always tried to cover up my notions using the excuse that my human notions were
actually at play. When I realized this, I thought I was really a poor
practitioner.
Although I thought I was a cultivator, I now realized that in the past, I had
been an everyday person, and my conduct was that of an everyday person, an
everyday person who believed that Falun Dafa was great. I was not a cultivator.
I got to know Dafa in 1997 through my aunt. At the time, I believed in Dafa
without a second thought and I thought I was a cultivator. However, I didn't
even read through Zhuan Falun once and I practiced the exercises only a couple
of times. I was a middle-school student then and I disliked one of the teachers.
After I developed the supernatural capabilities of celestial ear and mind
reading, I believed what I heard from my celestial ear and played truant. I
thought to myself that I was not attached to scores. My parents, who had great
expectations for me, started to object to my practice of Falun Gong. After the
evil Chinese Communist Party started persecuting Falun Gong, my parents
monitored me closely. I didn't study the Fa and didn't truly cultivate. As my
parents monitored me strictly, I could not keep in touch with other
practitioners. I was completely reduced to an everyday person. The only
difference was that deep in my heart, I knew the very basic morality required to
be a human being.
I am finding and rectifying these crafty notions and attachments. I'm
eliminating them. That is the purpose of my writing this article. I was not a
good Dafa student and my entire cultivation and enlightenment quality was very
poor, however Master never gave up on me. Later, when I was browsing the
Internet I obtained software that breaks through the Internet blockade. I
finally was able to watch the truth clarification video of the
"Self-immolation incident." All my confusions were dissolved. I could not hold
back my tears. I made up my mind to restart my cultivation in Dafa. From then
on, I became a true practitioner. I downloaded Dafa materials and began to study
the Fa and do the exercises all over again. I finally learned what I should do.
It's very difficult to describe my feelings. I started by clarifying the truth
to my best friends. Then I printed truth clarification materials and handed them
out on the street. From now on, I will do well and I will be able to do well. I
will conduct myself as a true practitioner, a noble and dignified Dafa disciple.
