(Clearwisdom.net) One evening when I got home, practitioner A came by and said, "Tomorrow let's go help practitioners B and C to pick up firewood on the hills five miles away." She complained about their insistence to go that far, because firewood is available close by. I was a bit worried too. We had to walk. Bicycles could not be used because we had to carry wood-chopping tools. I was busy too. So I thought that I would just let whoever was willing go. I did not use the Fa to evaluate things, and did not realize that A's words were geared toward my attachments. So I went along with A and complained, "It is silly to go that far and not go instead to the nearby places." I also complained about B and C. They were both adults without kids, and they were not that busy. They did not want to go themselves, and asked other practitioners to do it. I felt it was just hassling fellow practitioners.
The more we complained, the more we stuck to our attachments. I began to complain about everything. I felt that I had a bad life, being a single mother with two children, I had to do everything by myself. Even I was trying to avoid bothering other people. Why did they bother me all the time? This way, I was not able to concentrate when doing Fa study, nor could I do exercise peacefully.
The next day a few practitioners came to my home to study the Fa, and this incident is all we discussed. Every one talked about his or her own problems, and complained about B and C and questioned why they would not do it by themselves. Because this all coincided with my attachments, I complained along with them, and forgot my responsibility of helping them with the Fa study.
Afterwards I learned that B and C did not ask fellow practitioners to go help gather firewood after all. One practitioner felt that the place of their group Fa study was too cold. Some practitioners even had frostbite on their hands. So she organized everyone to go pick up firewood together. But the incident caused unsettledness among many of us. Looking inward, I realized that it was my own selfishness causing the problem and worsening the situation.
Teacher said in "Non-Omission in Buddha-Nature" (from Essentials for Further Advancement):
"...also want to tell you that your nature in the past was actually based on egotism and selfishness. From now on, whatever you do, you should consider others first, so as to attain the righteous Enlightenment of selflessness and altruism. So from now on, whatever you do or whatever you say, you must consider others—or even future generations—along with Dafa’s eternal stability."
I did not treat myself as a Dafa disciple, nor did I put the Fa first. I did not catch and eliminate my attachments when they first emerged. Instead, I was led by them and I followed them to do many things that a practitioner should not do. I interfered with fellow practitioners obtaining the Fa. Teacher said in Touring North America to Teach the Fa:
"The reason I have come here is to save all sentient beings amidst the Fa-rectification at a time when the colossal firmament of the cosmos is disintegrating. "
I hope that fellow practitioners can use my experiences for their lessons. At this last moment of our cultivation one must put oneself at the right position. The human attachments that have not been cultivated away can surface at any time. The purpose of their surfacing is for us to eliminate them. By all means do not be led by it. One must be clear about one's responsibilities.
When I recognized this point, I found myself much more calm and pure, and I no longer felt sleepy when sending forth righteous thoughts. I suggest that fellow practitioners write about it when they find themselves not able to get rid of some attachments. In the beginning, you may find it a bit difficult to organize your thoughts. But as you write, it will become easier and easier. You will very soon be able to discover the area in yourself that deviates from the Fa.
Please point out my deficiencies.