Western Practitioner: A Few Words about Focusing Too Much On Oneself

(Clearwisdom.net) I am a veteran western Falun Gong practitioner. For many years I have clarified the truth, sent righteous thoughts, studied the Fa, and practiced the Falun Dafa exercises and meditation. It has been more than 7 years now. I cannot remember anymore what my life was like before I became a practitioner, for it seems like a vague dream. In fact, it seems like it was someone else.

For some reason, recently I began to lose my motivation, began to lose heart, and slowed down the pace at which I was participating in Fa-rectification. My Fa study suffered severely. I almost never practiced the exercises anymore. I rarely sent righteous thoughts. I forgot to embed clarifying the truth to the people around me in my daily life. I joined the group studies and group activities less and less. At a certain point, I realized I had become extremely attached to the notion of "self," and it was dragging me down to the level of ordinary people. I had become fixated on the idea that I was not up to the standard of a Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple, until I was in fact not up to the standard. Transformation had followed my mind intent.

One day recently, I had a meeting with two practitioners about a project, and one of the practitioners planned to join a local activity immediately afterwards. Although there were a million different excuses I could think of for not going, I decided not to think about it and just go with him. I had sat down behind our booth to put my things away in a safe place when a practitioner I hardly knew began to talk to me. "I haven't seen you in several months, were you out of town?" he asked innocently. Many people had asked this question of me recently, and I was getting tired of trying to evade the question. But instead of getting impatient with him, I let go of my concern for reputation and began to openly share that I had been avoiding joining the group, and was having difficulty with a relationship I was in. The practitioner was very kind and listened patiently, without one ounce of judgment. I cannot remember anything that he said in that conversation, but for one statement. As we were talking, he looked straight into my eyes and said, "You are a Dafa disciple." I felt my heart shudder and my knowing side awoke.

For the first time in many months, I heard the words and believed them again. "Yes!" I thought. "I am a Dafa disciple! I remember who I am now!" In some way, the one thought moved a mountain from atop my heart and let the sunshine in again. "Yes, I remember. I am Master's disciple." Since then, I have resolved to begin my cultivation anew, without thought for past wrongs, fear of what others might think of me, trepidation about what the future holds, or complaint for being tired from working so hard day in and day out. I have resolved to begin again, and when I study the Fa and find my mind wandering, I say, "I am holding the great Fa of the cosmos in my hands! Look at how fortunate a being I am to read these words and know, in some small way, their meaning! Look! How fortunate I am! Thank you, Master! Thank you for saving me!"