(Clearwisdom.net) In the past, I considered myself as someone who had a strong feeling of lust and desire. I was single, so I still had a strong curiosity about the opposite sex. Although I obtained the Fa at the end of 1998, I had not done well in the tests of lust. I had disappointed myself, and even lost hope, as I felt I was never going to be able to overcome the demon of lust. I asked myself, "Being so useless, why should I practice cultivation? What hope do I have?" I even doubted whether I should continue to practice cultivation. The reason I could make it through and still practice cultivation in Dafa today is only because of my faith in Dafa. I believed Dafa could cleanse me.
Through the course of cultivation practice, although I hadn't done well in this aspect overall, I had relatively better moments, and I had always tried to do better. I remember in the early stages of sending forth righteous thoughts, I felt as if my attachment to lust was suddenly gone and I found myself never thinking about it anymore. Although I know now that it wasn't the state of having no lust or desire, I felt really good during that period of time. Later on, as I slacked off in personal cultivation practice, I couldn't keep up the effect of sending righteous thoughts, and before I knew it, the strong attachment to lust and desire came back to me.
When I failed in the tests of lust, I certainly repented a great deal and scolded myself. I had made numerous resolutions to pass the next test but I still failed them. When my cultivation state was relatively better, I felt ridiculous to have let myself indulge in lust and desire inescapably.
On the fifteenth day of the first month in the Chinese lunar calendar, as usual, I woke up in the morning to send forth righteous thoughts at 6:00 a.m. After that, I found the bad thoughts coming out of me rampantly. I started to think about my thoughts and state of mind when my state of cultivation practice was good, and pondered why I couldn't do as well as before. I was very puzzled and annoyed for I could do nothing about it. I tried hard but I couldn't find the answer to my questions. I fell asleep while thinking about it. After I got up again, I did Exercises One through Four. While doing the exercises, all of a sudden, I felt my body being freed, and it was obvious that the substance of lust that had been binding me tightly was gone. I felt so free!
This state lasted for the next several days. I couldn't say my thoughts were absolutely pure, but I believe it was the state of no lust or desire. I felt so wonderful. That kind of comfortable feeling was nothing an everyday person could experience, as it was something a Dafa practitioner couldn't get until he/she has been cleansed by Dafa. It was a natural kind of feeling filled with harmony and happiness. Having practiced cultivation for so many years, I had spent most of the time feeling repressed [because of the persecution in China - by translator] and in difficulties. It wasn't until that day that I realized that cultivation practice can be so comfortable and beautiful.
Looking down at the world from my apartment window, I thought of the sentient beings: they were busy pursuing personal gains, fighting among each other for their so-called careers, and pursuing the so-called love so painfully. Some people have got what they want, but some haven't. Even though some people have made a big success of their career, made large amounts of money, and earned love from beautiful young women, in my eyes these things were too tiny to be worthy of mention. At that moment I could understand why gods and higher beings wouldn't descend to the human world, because no matter how precious humans think life is, it isn't worth anything to gods.
Why could I enter the state of no lust or desire after I was simply trying to recall my thoughts and state of mind when in a good state of cultivation practice and pondering why I couldn't do as well as before? I fell asleep before I could find an answer; then why could I enter the good state after I got up and practiced the exercises? Now I finally understood: because as I was pondering, my attitude toward the attachment to lust and desire was very clear. In other words, I was rejecting it. This has proved some understanding I had enlightened to before, which was, in the cultivation practice of Dafa, the key to a problem is not whether one can do it, it is whether one wants to do it.
However, practicing cultivation in the human society is complex. Although one has obtained a good state, the bad substances that had been removed still have left deep marks. For instance, I used to be fond of a certain female practitioner. Now I have eliminated the attachment to lust and desire, as well as my fondness for her. But besides feeling free and unfettered, I had an indistinct regret deep down in my heart.
Cultivation practice is serious. After discovering the not-so-pure state, I failed to cherish my cultivation practice, conduct myself more strictly, further improve myself and correct my shortcomings; instead I was solely excited. I thought I would never have the attachment to lust and desire again, so I was excited day after day. Without knowing it, my attachment to lust and desire came back. What's worse, I did not take it seriously. I thought that since I had already reached the level of not having lust or desire, it should be easy to remove again. I did not face the attachment seriously, therefore I was bothered by it, my righteous thoughts were weakened by it and several months of my time was wasted.
I recalled a fellow practitioner's story. When that practitioner discovered the attachment to lust, he spent two hours sending righteous thoughts and removed it. When I first read it, I didn't believe it was necessary. But now I realized it was what righteous thoughts should be, and that was the attitude of being responsible to one's cultivation practice in terms of not leaving any room for lust and desire to exist and eliminating them upon discovery, no matter how tiny they are. Comparing this practitioner's actions to myself, I didn't send forth righteous thoughts for my problem for even one hour, not to mention two hours. How far behind I am. I feel so ashamed of myself.
Although I fell back into the mire, compared to being bound by the lust and desire before, it was still different. Some practitioners tend to draw analogies between them and a bird, and between everyday people and fish, which seem free but are still restrained in the water. Birds have moments of getting their wings wet, but eventually they will fly up in the air again and never become fish.
The reasons for me to write the article are:
1. I hope more practitioners can break the fetter of the attachment to lust, so as to have a good cultivation state and save sentient beings with stronger righteous thoughts.
2. I would like to remind practitioners that, no matter how good of a cultivation state you have entered, you should maintain a reasonable and sober mind and be serious about cultivation practice, so as to be responsible to Dafa, sentient beings and yourselves. Because as Teacher says,
"cultivation practice is extremely arduous and very serious. If you are being careless for a moment, you may stumble and become ruined at once. Therefore, one's mind must be right." (Zhuan Falun, Lecture Six)
3. I'm writing this article to show my resolution and will. Because I am a bird that has gotten its wings wet, I will fly up in the air again to embrace my blue sky, the immense universe and the boundless cosmos.