(Clearwisdom.net) To avoid being arrested and persecuted, I was forced into homelessness for several months. During that time, I was very busy with technical work, but I was not cultivating well. The lesson I learned from the bitter experience made me really look inward regarding the status and process of my cultivation. As a result, I felt Teacher's compassionate care and the greatness of Falun Dafa. I also experienced the seriousness of cultivation and the preciousness of righteous thoughts.
1. Pass the Deadly Test
I began to practice Falun Gong after the persecution began. I had made serious mistakes regarding the issue of lust before I began the practice, and I tried to correct my ways when I realized the adverse effects this habit had on cultivation. However, sometimes I was still unable to do well, so the old forces used my problem as an excuse and to confuse me further, and I detoured from the path of cultivation for a few years without being conscious of it. After returning, I gradually let go of my lustful mentality. Since I bitterly hated the mistakes I had made, I very thoroughly eliminated lust from my mind.
However, the old forces did not resign themselves to letting me reach consummation. According to their standards, they would have to pull me down to eliminate me. During the past two years, I strove to keep diligent, looked inward for my shortcomings, rejected unrighteous thoughts, studied and recited the Fa, and tried my best to do well in Fa-rectification. There were a lot of tasks that needed to be done, however, and there were few practitioners able to do technical work. I often felt that I suffered so much and exhausted myself. In other words I contributed a lot, however, I felt very pleased by my efforts.
One year ago, I could feel the old forces menacingly eying me. They would not let go, and they constantly interfered with my Fa study. I tried to negate the old forces and strengthen my Fa study, but their menacing eyes never left me and I even felt that they attacked me.
At that time, Teacher published "Pass the Deadly Test." When I read the article, Teacher's great compassion caused me to shed tears. However, I did not feel that much in the article was related to me. A fellow practitioner who has been doing very well in cultivation came to see me and organized a sharing of practitioners who had gone off track in cultivation. This practitioner stated that those who had betrayed fellow practitioners, consciously or unconsciously, should make their errors publicly known. Even then, I still thought the article did not refer to my problems, since I did not do anything like that during the years when I had deviated from the correct path. However, I suddenly recalled that I had not made public the mistakes I had made regarding lust. This belongs to the category of people mentioned in "Pass the Deadly Test."
"When some of them have given in to the evil, they have done things, in varying amounts and of differing degrees, that are utterly disgraceful for cultivators to do. " ("Pass the Deadly Test")
I found it hard to speak about the issue. However, amidst such fine and responsible practitioners, if I did not speak of it, I would loose a golden opportunity. After thinking about it twice more, I summoned the courage and said, "I violated the lust commandment."
On my way home, I saw a student who had just finished riding a bicycle to school while reading a book. I thought how dangerous it was. Later, I enlightened that Teacher had given me a hint, but I failed to figure it out right away. I enlightened that it was very dangerous for me to cultivate while trying to keep my reputation in the human world. After, I saw a woman who kept hiding behind a man while walking. I realized that Teacher was giving me another hint: although I spoke it out, it was still half hidden. I realized that I should let go of covering up what I had done and speak openly about it.
The next three days was like a deadly test of life and death. I really understood why Teacher called it a "deadly test." I was determined to speak out, but I lacked courage. I studied Fa during the day, and each evening I thought that I would tell the fellow practitioners about my mistakes, but my mind was instead filled with all kinds of thoughts. I deeply regretted having done such bad deeds and grieved so much that I wished I were dead. In addition, I strongly believed that I was utterly shameful and had failed to live up to Teacher's compassion, so I could not forgive myself. As each night went on, I became more and more agitated and my thoughts became more and more negative. I felt that I just could not speak about the mistakes, however, I tried to force myself to do so. I was in deep inner conflict.
"This is really a great disaster hanging over my head." This sentence roared in my mind. "You are too shameful and do not deserve to cultivate anymore!" This thought made me too ashamed to show my face. I had a good cry. It was meaningless for me to live if I were not allowed to cultivate. Therefore, I wanted to jump out of a building. However, I knew that since I was a practitioner, I would damage the reputation of Falun Dafa if I jumped out of a building. My heart was on the verge of exploding because of this huge suppression. All of a sudden, I woke up. It was the old forces who wanted to force me to die. I said very loudly to them, "Yes, I did something wrong, but I am one of the people on Earth chosen by Teacher. I was chosen by Teacher, and Teacher's choice is correct!" I repeated out loud many times and then quickly went to bed without letting any negative thought into my mind.
On the fourth day I went to see two practitioners with whom I tried to cover up my mistakes and talked frankly about my past transgressions.
Some practitioners had said that once I publicly disclosed my mistakes, I would feel very light, but this was definitely not what happened to me. After I spoke openly, I did not have the strength or calmness to face others, to eat, to stand or to sit down. Even when a fellow practitioner asked me to put on some more clothes because the weather was turning colder, I burst out, "I have no face to put on more clothes." Teacher has talked about the attachment of being too ashamed to face others, but how could I let go of it?
Several days later, I read an article that inspired me a great deal. Practitioners are letting go of their egos, doing the three things well and doing whatever Teacher wants. However, I still could not let go of my ego and was too ashamed to face others. I should really be able to let go of ego. I then let go of the attachment of being too ashamed. After giving up this burden, I knew that I was a true Falun Dafa practitioner.
The old forces and the meddling deities that were jealously watching me had meticulously arranged a deadly test over a period of years in an attempt to eliminate me . However, Teacher's recent article negated their plans, and the old forces were angry and hated me for it.
A few days later, some poisoned people reported me to the police for giving out truth-clarification materials. The police came to my home to arrest me. Even though there were two policemen guarding the gate, I miraculously escaped by Teacher's grace.
Since I had made large mistakes, the old forces made excuses to endlessly persecute me. They arranged many obstacles to interfere with my Fa study and my sending forth righteous thoughts. They flooded my mind with deviated thoughts. They do this to create omissions in our xinxing and then use the omissions to persecute us, with the goal of eliminating us. When I passed through the deadly test and made my mistakes public, the old forces lost their biggest excuse to persecute me. However, since I failed to study the Fa well, I allowed others omissions to appear at the same time and failed to totally negate the arrangements of the old forces. Therefore, I was persecuted. Yet, if I had not followed Teacher's instructions in "Pass the Deadly Test" then the persecution I suffered would have been far more serious than just being homeless, leading to even greater losses.
2. The Most Serious Omission Is Misunderstanding Amongst Our Practitioners
After leaving home, it did not take me long to find a safe place to stay. Along the way, it seemed as if Teacher was guiding me to this place, which was far better than I could have expected. After settling down, I thought to myself, how could such persecution still happen to me when the Fa-rectification process has reached the present stage? It showed that I must have a serious omission. I looked inward to check for shortcomings in my xinxing. I found some omissions, but I believed that I still had not found the fundamental omission.
One day during my Fa study, I suddenly remembered that there were misunderstandings between two or three practitioners and me. I failed repeatedly to pass this test, to the point that it had become normal, and I had totally forgotten about it. Wasn't this my most serious omission? I clearly realized that I had found my most serious omission. It was the direct reason for the old forces to persecute me. I said to myself, "I must pass this test and do a good job in my cultivation." From that day on I could easily do the sitting meditation for over one hour.
I started to cultivate Falun Gong fairly late, therefore my personal cultivation is combined with cultivation in the Fa-rectification period. On my path of Fa-rectification, there were some xinxing tribulations. Sometimes when I thought I was doing well, I would have misunderstandings with practitioners and would be mistreated by them. I would maintain my xinxing at times, but failed to do so other times. I knew clearly that during the Fa-rectification we must cooperate well, therefore I tried to suppress my feeling of being wrongly treated or misunderstood, and I did my best to not let it interfere with cooperating during truth clarification.
When I looked back on this whole issue, I realized that I had made a big mistake. As to the misunderstandings with my fellow practitioners, I always reminded myself not to give any thought to it. Therefore, from the surface level it seemed that I did well, and I also tried very hard to help these fellow practitioners with their technical problems. However, in my heart, I did not try to understand and forgive these practitioners. I did not want to really try to resolve the misunderstandings and treated "cooperation" as a requirement that I had to meet, but the wish was not really in my heart. Deep inside, I still had a faint feeling of resentment and looking down on the practitioners who misunderstood me. With my surface "cooperation," how could we reach the requirements of true cooperation?
Since I failed to truly pass this test, my xinxing had not improved. As a result, there was no improvement in my understanding of "one body." Though I had helped practitioners to set up dozens of truth-clarification materials processing centers, I did not use the opportunity to help them to improve their coordination with the whole body of practitioners. On the contrary, I played a role of splitting them without noticing because of the misunderstandings with fellow practitioners.
This lesson grieved me because of my bitter experience, but at the same time, it also made me sober-minded. When enlightening about this issue, it seemed that my heart became empty and spacious. All the dissatisfaction and misunderstanding disappeared.
Teacher said in "Teaching the Fa at the Fa Conference at the U.S. Capital":
"Since today I'm going into greater depth about the format and state of cultivation and spelling things out, when you cooperate with each other [from now on] you shouldn't have the attachment of putting up your guard against others anymore. (Applause) Whether it be your blaming each other, using human attachments to push each other away, or all kinds of states--I can tell you, all of those are new attachments that appeared due to your not understanding the format of [Dafa] cultivation. Isn't that the case? Yes, it is! So, don't develop a new attachment as a result of not understanding the state of cultivation. That attachment would itself be a giant impediment to progress in your cultivation, so you need to get rid of it, too."
Teacher's Fa hit my heart hard. I realized that Teacher has explained the Fa very clearly. Only when we accomplish what we should can we say we have kept up with Teacher's process of Fa-rectification.
3. True Heart and True Thought
After I became homeless to avoid arrest, I could not send righteous thoughts with a calm mind. My righteous thoughts were very weak, and they seemed to have little power. All kinds of thoughts kept pushing themselves on me. I also had very strong fear. I did not know which direction to go and which bus to take. However, there was always someone who would point me in the right direction and give me a detailed route. One day, someone even drove a car to chase after a bus I needed to take and put me on the bus free of charge. Teacher showed me his compassionate care, and he seemed to tell me, "Don't worry and don't be afraid. Teacher has always been at your side." However, I could not let go of my fear. Therefore I was always cunningly and cautiously planning how I could be safer.
After I found my omission through Fa study I realized that my fear was the attachment of self-protection, the attachment of failing to firmly believe in Teacher and leave myself to the care of Teacher. I kept on sending righteous thoughts to eliminate it, and I became more and more calm and felt fearless.
In the area I was in, there was only a small number of practitioners. Among them, one practitioner was persecuted very badly, and the authorities threatened to arrest him. He was facing the crisis of being forced into homelessness to avoid being arrested. After I learned the news, I had a very powerful thought that I would never allow the evildoers to persecute him again! As he was the hope for many local people to be saved, therefore he must stay to save the local sentient beings. I wrote a long letter to the practitioner to encourage him to pass the test with righteous thoughts and righteous actions. I also shared with him about how to negate the arrangements made by the old forces. Several practitioners and I helped him to send righteous thoughts. I had one thought when sending forth the righteous thoughts-there was not any slightest possibility that the old forces could persecute him. Not long after I was told that his cultivation state had improved and his crisis was over.
The process helped to strengthen my own righteous thoughts. I looked inward to see how pure my heart had been regarding rescuing fellow practitioners in the past. Anything we do with a true heart and true thoughts will easily melt the old forces, and strip them of the ability to set up any obstacles.
I noticed that great changes happened to me. I am no longer limited to personal feelings. I consider issues for the sake of the whole and the overall situation in saving sentient beings, as well as truly for the improvement of fellow practitioners and myself. After passing the deadly test, my heart became more honest and pure. After eliminating the feeling of estrangement from fellow practitioners, I found my heart to be free from the attachment of competitiveness. At any time, I could feel my genuine sincerity in saving sentient beings.
One day I learned that the authorities were looking for me. I did not panic, and I had one thought that arose from the bottom of my heart: "I am a God. I cannot be controlled by any factor of a lower universe!" It seemed that this thought came from a very remote place deep in my heart that cut across time and space. That place had waited for me to wake up from a very long sleep. In the twinkling of eye, policemen, persecution and things of that kind all became very tiny and far away.
I enlightened that a practitioner's body and heart can be transformed from the human towards the divine. The divine side can rejuvenate the human body and combine it with the divine side during the Fa-rectification. I should let the divine part dominate my words and deeds. This is what Teacher wants practitioners to achieve. However, practitioners need to have very high xinxing to become unselfish, righteous enlightened beings and to break through the numerous obstacles formed during the past thousands of years, so that we may become the great divine beings created by Teacher.