Receiving a Jolt After Truly Looking Inside Myself

(Clearwisdom.net) I recently experienced difficulties in my cultivation. This incorrect state manifested itself in my inability to study the Fa with a calm mind, absent-mindedness, fatigue, an inability to maintain hand positions while sending forth righteous thoughts, and the failure to clarify the truth out of my own free will, rather than just doing it reluctantly, as if fulfilling a task. I always felt sleepy and physically tired. Although I was still doing the three things Teacher asked us to do, I clearly felt that I was not living up to the standards of a Fa-rectification period Dafa practitioner and that I was lacking a pure mind.

The old forces took advantage of this cultivation status, and I kept running into conflicts. While sharing at our group Fa study I always argued with other practitioners. I even quarreled with my wife (a practitioner) and neither wanted to give ground. Since my xinxing did not improve, I experienced serious health problems. I developed a severe cough. During Fa study, sending forth righteous thoughts and practicing the exercises, the cough got even worse. It seriously interfered with our group Fa study group and with my daily life.

Fellow practitioners all sent forth righteous thoughts for me but without any effect. They also asked me to look inward. At the beginning I was reluctant, and doubted that this would be effective. I knew that my omissions were creating a loophole, which caused my physical problems. However I could not detect my fundamental problem and nursed a grievance. I was worried about my inability to find a solution and knew that my cultivation was not on track, however I still did not want to look inward. Where was the root of all the interference I had suffered since I started to cultivate? Just then, a fellow practitioner asked me to search for the cause of why I had suffered so much persecution during Fa-rectification cultivation. I began to really look inward with a calm mind in an effort to determine exactly where I did not live up to the standards of Dafa. It was the first time I had ever done so since I began cultivating. Without truly looking inward, I had no clue as to what my attachments were. When I finally managed to look inward, it gave me a start. I found that I had a very strong competitive mentality, which also resulted in jealousy and a desire to show off, and seek fame and recognition. It was actually very dangerous for me to do Fa-validation work with these bad mentalities, and it is no surprise that I was taken advantage of by the old forces. I was cultivating within their arrangements. My xinxing and my cultivation state were actually in line with the selfish desires advocated by the old forces. Going down this path, how could I assimilate to the standards of Falun Dafa, "Truthfulness, Compassion, Tolerance"? How could I reach the realm of the new cosmos, which is selflessness? How could I negate all the arrangements made by the old forces?

I began to practice Falun Gong in 1995. I was very competitive before I started cultivating. I tried to do better than others in everything and was not content to lag behind. Due to the deterioration of the moral standards in society, the distortion of people's thoughts, and the poison that is being spread by the Chinese Communist Party's culture of struggle, my competitive mentality had been strengthened and I admired the ideology of struggle. I always thought that I was better and more capable than anyone else, and could not bear criticism from others. This hardened into a fixed concept and negatively affected my cultivation. It even had an adverse impact on Dafa because I didn't guide local practitioners correctly and gave them incorrect radical ideas. I decided to write this article when I identified the cause of my problems because I think it is necessary to share this with other practitioners. Other practitioners who have similar problems can draw lessons from it. Let's improve ourselves together with the Fa as our guide and hurry up to let go of the attachments and concepts that create obstacles or interfere the assimilation of Dafa so as to catch up with fellow practitioners on the last leg of our journey in Fa-rectification.

Through looking inward during the past few days I also found that I lagged behind my wife in cultivation. We started to learn Falun Dafa together in 1995. I still remember that she stopped watching television and listening to the radio because she understood that she needed to read Falun Dafa books if she really wanted to cultivate, and anything else was interference. However, I still watched the TV news until 2002, and listened to the morning news until 2005. I found it was hard to let go of my human notions. Out of curiosity I wanted to listen to the TV news programs and wanted to enrich my knowledge by learning about incidents happening in this human world. I was not able to study the Fa with a calm mind and I developed a feeling of spiritual waste and curiosity. Since I continued having human thoughts and failed to study the Fa with a calm mind, I was not within the Fa. I was using human thoughts to analyze, to reason and to imagine things. As a result the old forces took advantage of it and persecuted me. Without Teacher's compassionate care I would have died a long time ago. How serious my attachments were!

One day in the autumn of 2002, I said to my wife, "Place Teacher's new articles and poems that you have put between the leaves of Zhuan Falun somewhere else. The police will use them as an excuse to persecute us if they discover them." My wife said that my thoughts were not righteous but I was not convinced at the time. As a matter of fact, I was wrong because that thought seemed to attract the bad people. Local police and officials from the 610 Office climbed the wall and into our courtyard. My wife was in the courtyard sending forth righteous thoughts. One of the policemen said, "She is practicing the exercises. Let's arrest her!" The team leader said, "Leave her alone and search the house." In the meantime, I was hiding the books inside the house. The officers forced their way in and found the books. I was taken to a brainwashing center. The officers tried a few times to send me to a forced labor camp, but the camp refused to take me in since I failed to pass the health check. Finally, they had no choice but to release me. I always failed to look for reasons why I was persecuted after I was released and came back home. I failed to look for the gaps in my cultivation and did not check how far I was lagging behind in Fa-rectification, and why my xinxing had not improved. I also failed to become more sober-minded after having been arrested. Instead I used it to flaunt my achievements and prove how glorious I was. As I was being persecuted, I thought that my refusal to cooperate with the government agents, which was the only thing I was doing well at the time, was the manifestation of righteous thoughts and righteous actions of a Fa-rectification period Dafa practitioner. I really thought I was great and tried to prove to my fellow practitioners that I was released because I had very strong righteous thoughts. Over the years, I treated my resistance to the persecution as my personal achievement and the manifestation of being diligent. All this strengthened my attachments to personal fame, showing-off, competitiveness, complacency and jealousy, and prevented me from accepting any of the other practitioners' suggestions not to speak about their criticism. As a matter of fact, I drifted away from Dafa while my attachments of showing off grew rapidly with each passing day. I seemed to be cultivating according to the arrangements of the old forces. It was only Teacher's compassionate hints that caused me to look inward, and allowed me to break through the cycle of unbreakable attachments. This finally gave me the strength to dig out the attachment by the root and become clear-minded. I felt as if I had just been awakened from a nightmare. While writing this article, I felt as if I had finally found my way to the ship that would take me back home. Now the ship is swiftly sailing towards its final destination.

Cultivation is a very serious matter. Every test, every tribulation, every attachment and every thought can cause us to drop in level and push us to the opposite side. The bitter lessons I suffered during the past seven and a half years of Fa-rectification period cultivation only happened because I did not want to let go of my attachments and I failed to really look inward. As a result, I drifted away from Dafa and I was persecuted worse than ever. The reason for this is very simple: I did not genuinely practice cultivation. The thoughts created by the old forces and the concepts formed in our life must be cleansed through Dafa. If we do not want to let go of them or want to retain part of them, we are still acknowledging the old forces. The total negation of the old forces means that our thoughts and actions must be in line with the standards of Dafa. This is the only way to reach the standards of the new cosmos. Therefore, we must walk every step in accordance with the Fa, assimilate to Dafa, look inward at all times, be strict with ourselves and lenient towards others as we become qualified Fa-rectification period Dafa practitioners.

As soon as I identified my fundamental attachments, all the incorrect symptoms disappeared. I can now keep a calm mind during Fa-study, sending forth the righteous thoughts and practicing the exercises. It seemed that I had cracked a hard shell and eliminated a heavy substance in my mind, and my hand gestures no longer looked sloppy when sending forth righteous thoughts. My legs no longer hurt that much, and the conflicts with other practitioners were dissolved after I looked inward. It was like a poem describes, "After passing the shady willow trees, there will be bright flowers and another village ahead!" (Zhuan Falun) I hope that other practitioners who have similar problems will also look inward as soon as possible to find their gaps in cultivation and their problems, and then eliminate them. It will then be easier to spread the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party, to promote the three withdraws (withdrawal from the Chinese Communist Party, the Youth League and the Young Pioneers) together with other practitioners with a pure heart, and use every opportunity to save our Chinese compatriots who have been poisoned by the lies of the CCP.

These are only some of my experiences looking inward. I hope that I have been of some help to other practitioners. Please kindly help me understand any shortcomings I may still have.