Joining the Voyage as a New Falun Dafa Practitioner

(Clearwisdom.net) I would like to share my experiences as a new Falun Dafa practitioner. I have been a practitioner now for around five months. My first introduction to Falun Dafa, however, was more than two years ago, when I was a university student studying oriental philosophy and shiatsu massage.

1. Struggling in delusion

For many years prior to entering university, I had strongly resisted the academic world, believing that anything taught within society was superficial, and I sought to fulfill my desire for deeper wisdom. I had spent my life exploring philosophy, spiritual practises, and trying continuously to reach some higher level of understanding about life. In the end I had ended up nowhere and out of a loss for where to proceed, I had placed myself back within the framework of student life. Yet my heart was not in it, and I was perpetually searching. I felt like an isolated wanderer; I saw that encasing me was a tremendously degenerative world and I could not identify with what others based their lives upon. I felt that I had put effort into developing my heart and conscience and I knew that since I would not abandon these, I could never be a part of normal society. Yet neither could I make any progress, for although I promised myself to keep searching, I could not find any teachings that would guide me, and there was a sense of despair in that I felt lost; unable to find myself or my way home, as I could not fully remember what this 'self' or 'home' truly was.

During this time I suffered badly from numerous health problems. I refused to go to the doctor as I strongly disliked modern medical treatments and adamantly believed that the problems and cures were both within myself, and that I could heal myself if only I were to gain more wisdom and live in better harmony with the Universe. I thought that my degree in Complementary Therapies would save me, and I was very hopeful. My plan was to move into the wilderness upon completion of my degree and leave the modern world behind me.

1. Introduced to Falun Dafa

After three months into my degree, I visited a rural community in Spain to learn about living amongst nature. Here I became friends with a resident, who complimented me on my attitude to life and stated that, since he considered me a sincerely spiritual person, he would show me the exercises of Falun Dafa. Time was limited, and since we were already seated on the floor, we did the fifth exercise together. I immediately felt that it was very special, unique and powerful. Upon arriving home, I wasted no time in learning the rest of the exercises from the website, and continued to practise daily. However I was not aware of the sheer importance of the teachings of Falun Dafa, and made many excuses such as not feeling able to read from the flickering computer screen, being short of money and not wanting to buy the book, thinking that I had heard enough philosophy in my life and would not find anything worthwhile, or being too busy at University and with trying to progress myself... so that these thoughts blocked me from the teachings for nearly two years. As for the persecution, I felt that it was nothing to do with me and considered seeing the brutality of it as being damaging to my health. In fact I was extremely selfish underneath the guise of being open-minded and spiritual. So although I did the exercises periodically, I could in no way be called a Falun Dafa disciple.

In the meantime, I had began obsessively practising yoga, and had to pass exams in TaiChi and Qigong exercises and study Daoist and Bhuddist books as part of my degree. Since I could understand the texts which others struggled to get to grips with, my teacher often complimented me and I grew a reputation for holding unusual wisdom. My attachment to fame and complacency grew hugely and deep down, I felt that I was further losing touch with myself. Moreover, in contrast to what I had expected, my health gradually worsened and I became thin and extremely weak physically and mentally. Yet feeling that I had nothing else to turn to I was stubbornly optimistic and believed that with persistence, eventually I would become stronger and healthier. I deluded myself in thinking that my Shiatsu teacher would teach me how to cultivate to higher levels, and every day I felt as though I was waiting to start, that nothing was proceeding, that nothing was ever advanced enough or reached deep enough, and I often felt a failure as I could not fit into the ordinary flow of things. During that period I suffered a lot. Every time I gave a shiatsu massage treatment I knew that I had acquired the person's illness and felt as though I had sacrificed my own life and goodness. Often I became exhausted and wondered how long I could continue. But nobody around me could relate to, or clarify this issue and I was taught repeatedly that shiatsu was about compassion, helping others, and simultaneously helping oneself. I received continuous compliments on the effectiveness of my treatments. I prided myself in being good at what I did, being traditional, being free of ordinary emotional outbreaks, and not being as superficial as others; nonetheless I was so utterly trapped by my ever-growing attachment to providing treatments, as well as to fame, self-interest, competitiveness, and complacency, that my body and mind was becoming increasingly burdened.

1. Coming across the Fa and almost condemning myself to hell

Finally, after suffering many tribulations that caused me to completely lose my stability and fight very hard at remaining on top of things, something changed inside of me. My main thought was, "I have to find out about Falun Dafa and take it more seriously". I bought the book Zhuan Falun and once it arrived, read it eagerly and finished it quickly. I knew that the book was great and many issues were clarified for me. I also became instantly more lively, felt a deep desire to cultivate, and at the same time felt almost disgusted at the thought of giving massage treatments and seriously considered leaving university. But I had huge problems understanding the section "The issue of treating illness" due to my numerous attachments. I thought that there were many contradictions and I spent weeks in confusion and uncertainty as I tried to clarify how it related to my particular situation. In addition the pressure from people around me urging me to continue was large. I felt tremendously torn and in the end managed to convince myself that I would get myself through the final year before I quit, and if I kept myself detached and treated my work as regular massage it would be alright. I even based my dissertation on how Falun Dafa benefited a Shiatsu massage practitioner as I wanted to promote Falun Dafa. I think that this was the most dangerous and damaging decision I could have arrived at, and the proceeding tribulations taught me a great deal. I spent countless hours completing my dissertation which amounted to 12,000 words and felt very pleased with myself since it had progressed very rapidly. Since I was including content from the teachings of Falun Dafa, I told myself that I was improving my understanding and I thought that my intention of recommending the practise to others and helping them was good. But in arguing my points I inevitably ended up using my own words and shallow understandings to explain the Fa, and moreover I was reading the teachings with the mentality of doing research. Teacher patiently gave me many hints and at times I was very close to listening, but I had nevertheless chosen to pursue my attachments to fame and showing off, and felt delighted that I had gotten ahead of others. I failed to enlighten to the fact that I was seriously undermining the Fa, that my own words could not carry the power of the Fa, and that my writing would only damage Dafa and other sentient beings.

Teacher said,

"Undermining Buddha Fa can assume different forms. Some saboteurs praise it and disrupt it at the same time. Such damage is the hardest to detect and see through, and the most damaging." (Lessons from Buddhism - Zhuan Falun (VOLUME II), Li Hongzhi 1996, English Translation Version -June 2008)

While making some final adjustments to my dissertation, I suddenly awakened and understood. I calmed myself and erased everything from the computer and burnt my printed copies. I then explained to everybody that I was committing myself to cultivating in Falun Dafa, informed them about the practise, left university and moved down south to commence a temporary job as an assistant care-giver at my Mother's workplace. For a long time after this, I felt too ashamed and could not look at Teacher's photograph.

1. Entering the gate of cultivation practise guided by Teacher

The above incident happened around July this year, and it was only from this point on that I truly started to change and consider myself to be a cultivator of Falun Dafa. I soon started to experience some intense reactions both physically and mentally, and I knew that I was being purified by Teacher. After this period of discomfort, my health and mental state improved drastically. My illnesses disappeared, I managed to put on weight, my menstruation returned and I felt much stronger. Although my Mother strongly opposed the teachings of Falun Dafa, she could not help but acknowledge these changes. One day as I was discussing some issues with her she said, "I know that the practise has given you so much. You only have to look; it's given you a whole new body! And confidence and peacefulness...it's given you a great deal!" Hearing this, I couldn't help but cry. My feelings at the time correlated to what Teacher said at the 1998 Fa conference in Europe,

"The part of you that manifests in this dimension doesn't realize it, while the side of you that is in other dimensions sees all and understands what I've given you. Your inability to express your gratitude to me in words, deeds, or even with any possible idea, causes this side of you to shed tears unexplainably." (Teaching the Fa at the Conference in Europe, Li Hongzhi, May 30 & 31, 1998, in Frankfurt, Germany)

As time progressed I gradually became more diligent and started getting up very early to study the teachings and do the exercises before work, learned to send righteous thoughts daily, began informing and clarifying the truth to others in my workplace and home town, and spent any free time reading other practitioners' experiences online. When I read about various Falun Dafa events that had taken place I felt a mixture of encouragement, urgency to do more, and disappointment for missing the potential opportunity to participate. I did not have any contact with other practitioners as I was the only one in my area, and this lead me to feel burdened and alone. At first I felt overwhelmed by the pressure of doing everything single-handedly. When I started doing small local projects to promote Falun Dafa and spread awareness about the persecution, even the minutest act felt like an impossible step, yet at the same time I couldn't allow myself to do nothing and felt tormented by a feeling of haste. At times interference from the old forces became strong as my attachment, especially to fear, surfaced enormously. But Teacher said when teaching the Fa at the 2003 Atlanta Conference,

"When it comes to those who oppose the old forces' arrangements and who have very strong righteous thoughts, they can't touch them." (Teaching the Fa at the 2003 Atlanta Fa Conference, Li Hongzhi, November 29, 2003)

So I did my best not to acknowledge the old force arrangements and to negate them. I thoroughly sent righteous thoughts and their negative influence dissipated or at least weakened.

At other times arranged tribulations arose to test and raise my xinxing and deepen my understandings and I felt that I had to trust my discernment, act wholeheartedly, take responsibility, and gradually mature. I knew I had a long way to go and could only look forwards. But often I felt as though I needed to take a break to rest and recover and yet when I did, my attachment to comfort grew and things became equally if not more difficult. When attachments blocked my way and they felt like a huge mountain, I found strength in recalling Teacher's words,

"When you take each trial or each tribulation as a good opportunity for improvement and let go of it, you will be able to pass the test. Some people find their tribulations very big in cultivation practice, but actually they are not. The bigger you find them, the bigger they will become and the smaller you will become. If you do not care and do not put them on your mind, with the master and the Fa here what is there to fear? As long as the green mountains remain, there is no fear of having no firewood to burn. Ignore them! Once you give them up, you will find that the tribulations have become smaller and you have become bigger. You will overcome them in one step, and the tribulations will become nothing. It is guaranteed to be this way. If one cannot overcome them, it is actually that he cannot give up the attachments or does not believe in the Fa." (Lecture in Sydney, Li Hongzhi, 1996

During this period, as well as my various attachments I also had to rid myself of thought karma and learn to remain rock solid in the face of others' disbelief and negativity, knowing that it had no place in my heart. At work, when I considered others first and found courage to act in accordance with the Fa, I constantly experienced the miraculous power of Dafa and the changes and improvements in the attitudes of others around me as I improved myself was clearly evident. There were also downfalls, shortcomings and regretful moments which made me more determined to improve.

I always feel thankful towards Teacher upon glimpsing his immense compassion, patience and guidance and at the same time, am ever aware that I still have very far to go to truly live up to the standard of a Fa rectification period Dafa disciple. I constantly remind myself of our mission to help Teacher save sentient beings. This sense of responsibility pushes me to remain diligent, yet it can also push me to act in an extreme manner. I thus realise the significance of maintaining a balanced and clear-headed state, as the consequent actions prove more successful in achieving beneficial results. Maintaining correct levels of diligence also creates more space and solidity within, as my heart becomes less moved and I can then better help others, learn and improve from my experiential processes.

1. The importance of sharing with fellow practitioners

Recently I set up a table on the high street in my nearest town and displayed some informational materials and a petition to help end the persecution. I also demonstrated the exercises. Although it gave me a valuable occurrence to learn from, the overall results were not too good. I then recalled an incident at work. While informing some people about the practise of Falun Dafa and about the persecution, they asked me whether I communicated with other practitioners online and when I said that I hadn't, they looked rather puzzled. I couldn't really find an answer as to why I hadn't done so and ended up making excuses such as being too busy or not wanting to be a nuisance to other practitioners. I then started to realise that I was predominantly afraid of falling far short of the standards of others, and I was still attached to my old need to prove myself, to remaining independent from others, and to inferiority. Although I knew that we must compare ourselves against the Fa and not against each other, my buried attachments stopped me from acting this way and blocked my communication with fellow practitioners. Once I had accepted that I should not continue in such an isolated manner, I immediately decided to visit London to meet other practitioners, gain some experience, learn from and share with them. I firmly acknowledged that this was beneficial and necessary, and I started contacting others and making arrangements. I was surprised at how everything was organised so quickly and how I received assistance with absolutely every step. I truly felt that Teacher was encouraging me and sensed that if only we are willing, express the wish to improve and do something which is beneficial for Dafa, Teacher will arrange everything, look after and guide us. My overall experience in London was really priceless; I was able to clarify the truth to many people, attend a group practise session, become introduced to, and receive helpful advice from other practitioners, and participate in a sitting protest outside the Chinese embassy. Conversely, some aspects did not go as planned, and I realized that this was because at times I chose not to follow the flow of events, and my thinking was lead by my selfish notions rather than being in line with the Fa. In these instances nothing became possible and I only caused myself unnecessary struggle as I floundered helplessly. My visit also taught me that sharing our cultivation experiences with each other is truly beneficial in helping to validate the Fa and to learn and improve together. I realised the importance of discussing and cooperating with each other and grasped the great value of working as one body to achieve powerful results.

The more I have been able to enter within Dafa, the more I have experienced and come to know its righteousness, mighty virtue, immense power, and wisdom, and it is truly marvelous! I hope that I can continue to raise myself through future cultivation, do better in validating the Fa and in assisting Teacher with saving sentient beings. I truly wish that I will be able to successfully fulfil my vows made before the dawn of history and that we will all reach completion as a whole.

I would like to thank Teacher wholeheartedly for providing a way for me to find my Self and return home. I would also like to sincerely thank my fellow practitioners for sharing their insights and understandings.

Please kindly point out anything inappropriate in my understandings.