Remember to Look Within as Taught by Teacher

(Clearwisdom.net) In the first few years of my cultivation, I mainly focused on letting go of my attachments to material pursuit. Over time, I was also able to take lightly my personal goals of getting ahead. However, deep in my mind, I still had strong pride and poor tolerance.

I was single when I started cultivation. Everything went smoothly in my work and in my personal life. I didn't think I had any strong attachments. Then it was time for me to get married. So in 2003, I married my husband, who didn't cultivate in Dafa.

After I got married, my life and my cultivation environment completely changed. I could hardly tolerate the way my husband behaved. In my eyes, he was selfish, loved to boast, and criticized me when I helped others. So I didn't want to spend time with him and he felt neglected. We often had disputes. Although I tried to restrain myself with Dafa, I frequently lost control and fought with him. Sometimes I even punched him. When I failed to guard my character, I regretted it and often cried bitterly.

I complained about my misfortune. I thought highly of myself and regretted having married my husband. But I also knew I was a cultivator. I hated myself for not behaving well and failing to guard my character when running into a conflict. These thoughts kept coming up in my mind. Gradually, I became clear-headed. When I recall those initial problems, they now seem like such small matters. I understood I didn't do well and made up my mind to do well from then on. No matter how bad he treated me, I would talk with him calmly.

I usually tried my best to keep a compassionate and peaceful mind and seldom had any conflicts with others. It was only with him that I often became irrational. A few years ago, he alternated working out of town for about twenty days then staying at home for about ten days. Before he came back home, I kept reminding myself to guard my character. In the first few days after he came back, everything was fine. But gradually the problems emerged again. He started nitpicking and criticizing me over petty things. I reminded myself to behave like a cultivator, to endure and not to stoop to his level. When he began to criticize me, I could still endure it, but then he became irrational and moved from one thing to the next, complaining about everything. It all sounded so ridiculous to me. Some of his words hurt me, and eventually I could no longer stand it. When I lost my temper, he would become quiet. Of course, I regretted it afterwards.

This scenario repeated itself many times, and I made up my mind to improve many times. With time, I was able to talk to my husband calmly.

In the Fa, Teacher always tells us to look within. I tried to endure, but I sometimes still lost my temper. The reason was that I kept looking outward. I always felt that things were my husband's fault. I had a grudge against him and wanted him to improve. But what about myself?

I started to look within, and found my jealousy. When I saw other couples with good relationships, I was reminded of my own unhappy marriage and I felt it was unfair. In my mind, I still looked for the ideal marriage in the human world with the husband and wife respecting each other. I felt my marriage was a failure and so I didn't treat him well. I also allowed emotion to dominate my behavior. When he treated me well, I thought he was good, and in return I treated him well. At other times I would treat him as a stranger.

After looking within, I now know it was all due to my own shortcomings. After several years I now finally understand how to improve my character. I am a cultivator and should let go of everything in the human world, but I have been disturbed and bothered by these emotions. When I found the attachment of jealousy, I was able to treat him with kindness.

I realized that when I feel uneasy about something in my daily life or at work and can't let it go, it is actually due to jealousy. No matter whose fault it may be on the surface, there is something that I have to improve, because I am a cultivator. No matter what happens, I should look at my first thought. When I fail to look within, the human attachments survive, and I may not even realize they are there. To improve, one must look within.

When I felt uneasy, I used Teacher's Fa to resolve my feeling of being upset. Now, I am able to handle things rationally in most cases. Although I am not yet able to be unmoved one hundred percent, I remember to look within, as instructed by Master. I must do my best to be diligent, and become a genuinely compassionate person.