(Clearwisdom.net) I felt ashamed when I picked up my pen because compared with fellow practitioners, I thought I was far behind. My Dafa-practitioner mom reminded me that no matter if my insights were deep or superficial, I should share it with practitioners; it was also an important part of helping Master with Fa-rectification. I write of my tribulations and experiences of the past several years to share with practitioners.
Because of my parents I began Falun Dafa practice when I was very young, when the environment around me was still pure. The children I had contact with at school were also without many notions. My parents and I often studied the Fa and did the exercises together at home. I enjoyed a spiritual and happy life in those days.
As I grew older, the pressure of studying became heavy. I gradually experienced difficulties in my studies. But I didn't realize that my previously good grades were due to my studying the Fa more. Dafa had given me wisdom. I stubbornly thought the reason for struggles at school was due to my not studying as hard as my school teacher required. Thus, I spent a lot of time reading textbooks and doing homework, and turned a deaf ear to my mom's suggestion of studying the Fa more. My diminished Fa study was the reason for me falling prey to developing a human mindset. I developed several bad notions and attachments. My emotions followed the grades and rankings up and down, and I was either in joy and sorrow, rather than always maintaining a mind of compassion and kindness. In the end, thanks to Master's compassionate arrangement, following the National College Entrance Exams, I enrolled in a second-tier university, with just several points higher than the minimum passing score.
Entering a college is, as it were, is the beginning of entering ordinary human society. Thanks to my mom's repeated urgings I paid more attention to Fa study, but still not enough. In college students developed their views of life and sense of worth. In addition, the college environment was more complex because the students were from all over the country. Everyone at the school looked out for him or herself, giving in easily to boasting, showing off and competition. Subconsciously I began to create new styles and fashions in order to show my abilities while participating in campus activities.
Then, several days ago after I read "Fa Teaching Given at the 2010 New York Fa Conference," I suddenly realized that the past years, inappropriate things from ordinary human society had tainted me, such as self-centeredness and the quest for notoriety and recognition.
After graduating from college I went job hunting. I only liked to submit my resume to well-known and large-scale companies or universities, which were located close by and provided relaxed work and holidays. While scarcely given several trial opportunities, I even quit after finding something unsatisfactory one or two months later.
My parents reminded me that I should calm down to study the Fa and look within myself. I realized that as a Dafa disciple I should discipline myself according to Fa principles at every moment, even though job hunting was a task of ordinary people. Were my job choices not in pursuit of comfort and ease? When I only sent my resume to those well-known and well-paying companies, wasn't it my pursuit of prestige? Looking back on my trial opportunities, I quit after running into minor problems. Finally, I had an insight that while looking for a job I should do so not with ordinary people's notions and mindset, but based on righteous thoughts. Master has arranged everyone's path well. I ought to follow the course of nature. No matter which company I work for, it must be a place in need of Dafa disciples and for disseminating the truth of Falun Gong.
Looking back at all the above, no matter whether or not I was attached to grades and rankings, good job offers, or others' impression of me, the root was for prestige, recognition and notoriety, notions that developed in me more attachments. I stubbornly held on to my opinions, no matter they were correct or wrong and didn't let others criticize me. I competed with others who were better than me in some respects and developed a competitive and jealous mindset as a way to raise my xinxing. I found the craving for "fame" was complicated; it had many forms of expression and was deeply hidden. Lacking Fa study and looking within again and again, it was difficult to discover my problem. Only by studying the Fa more, and thoroughly, can we find our loopholes, eliminate our notions and then truly act as a Dafa disciple to offer sentient beings salvation, help Master with Fa-rectification and return to our origins.
Because of my limited level, please kindly point out whatever is improper.
Category: Improving Oneself
