Western Practitioner: Overcoming a Deeply Held Attachment

(Clearwisdom.net)

I have practiced Falun Dafa for almost five years and would like to take this opportunity to reflect upon some of the shortcomings that have hindered me in doing the three things well, and of feeling worthy of the title 'Dafa Disciple'.

For a long time I have had tribulations in my cultivation, with one attachment in particular. Before I was a practitioner I was fully immersed in this attachment and behaved exactly as an everyday person does, trying vainly to find his way traversing the slippery slope of moral decline that characterizes today's society. After I became a practitioner I was repeatedly challenged by this attachment of lust over the course of three years.

Around two months ago, I realized that I could not get out of this arrangement on my own and asked Master for help.

I wrote about my experience in full and began to return to my true path. Master immediately began cleansing my body, a process which lasted for six weeks. I rapidly made breakthroughs and could feel my righteous thoughts getting stronger and stronger. I was then able to discard many human notions and attachments, and began feeling that I was becoming worthy of the title Dafa Disciple.

A few days ago, I was tested by something that led to much frustration and by things not going my own way.

I had spent two hours on the phone, trying to solve a computer problem that was stopping me from finishing a project that I'd been working on for some time. As a result, I was getting more and more frustrated, completely forgetting that I was a practitioner, and thinking only about myself. This provided an opening for the old forces to exploit other gaps.

When I closely examine my thoughts, I can see that I was attached to completing my project so that I could hear compliments from others and perhaps gain some employment and financial benefit from it. Although I planned to use the opportunity to clarify the facts as well, I could not let go of those human notions of fame and gain. In the end my character ended up very low, and I was then able to be tempted by the attachment of lust.

I struggled with Fa study and sending righteous thoughts over the following week. It was difficult and I felt quite low in spirits and lacked confidence as a cultivator. I studied two lectures of Zhuan Falun, sent righteous thoughts at the set times, and meditated, but did not feel any better. I think my attachment to pursuit while I did these things was too strong and also my attachment to feeling melancholy.

I finally decided that I must be vigilant, lest I continue being taken advantage of.

I kept reciting 'Falun Dafa is good' and 'Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good' whenever I was free to do so and could feel huge chunks of interference and thought karma dissolve. Nevertheless, weak in my resolve, I again gave in to my attachment.

I remember a dream I had that night. In the bathroom of my home there was demon who was very tall with a black robe and a white face. I turned around to attack him and woke up. I wondered how such a thing could enter my dimensional field?

Lust, in my understanding, is one of the filthiest things among human beings. It is only allowed to manifest physically in the union of marriage. It is the most hated of emotions of the old forces. In my current lifetime, before cultivation, this attachment was quite prominent. Although I detested it at the same time, I could not find a way to purity. When I first read Master's teaching on this, I was moved to tears. Nobody had lifted this burden for me before.

As a result, in the old forces' eyes, as I understand the situation, they want to deny me the chance to be a Dafa disciple, but Master protects me in this regard.

Many opportunities and chances have been lost to me and denied while I was mired in this selfish maze of the old forces' arrangements. I would like to say to all Dafa disciples that I will try to make up for any losses caused and try to do well at the three things and save even more sentient beings.

I now realize far better how precious this time is, and that I will never have back the time I wasted.

I want to clear all of these things out and act like a true cultivator of Dafa, to return to Master's arrangements for me, as only this will truly bring the best results in saving sentient beings.

My level is very limited, please point out anything inappropriate.