(Clearwisdom.net) A few years ago I was subjected to brainwashing twice by my employer. I cooperated and accepted the perverse logic of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). This made me begin to doubt Teacher and the Fa. I wrote the guarantee statement and renounced Falun Gong. The statement and the deviant understandings turned into layers of obstacles, which, along with thought karma, made it very difficult to return to cultivation.
Soon after giving up cultivation, I turned into a depraved person and began to lie, was jealous, became feisty, greedy, and lascivious. I also became pretentious and hypocritical. On the outside, I was sensible and kind to everyone. However, I was indifferent at heart. Whenever I met someone that I disdained, I would start cursing in my mind. I was also disrespectful to Teacher and even called Teacher by his name.
When looking back at my constant cursing, I realize now that this strengthened my thought karma beyond the large amount that already existed.
Thanks to the fact that I once had practiced Dafa, the idea to cultivate never completely left my heart. The everlasting Buddha law and the truth of the cosmos frequently appeared in my mind, guided me, and restrained my behavior, which kept me from deviating too far away from the righteous path and kept me from unbridled indulgence. If it was not for the power of Dafa, I might have accumulated tremendous amounts of karma.
Over the past few years, I could see more and more clearly my fundamental problems: My main consciousness was not strong enough and I could not let go of vanity and fame.
Due to my vanity, I always subconsciously wanted people to admire me and think that I was smart, thoughtful, and insightful. At the time I was forced to undergo brainwashing, I was arrogant and willingly took the materials handed to me by the authorities. I thought I was steadfast and immune to interference. I also planned to utilize the lies in their materials to clarify the truth to the brainwashing personnel.
Because of my strong attachments, however, I was unduly influenced. While reading those deviant materials, my attachment to vanity and fame kept nudging me with questions and notions like: "Was I deceived by the Falun Gong teachings? How much do I truly know about Falun Gong? I did not know any of the behind-the-scene stories these brainwashing materials described--how silly was I? These guys will ridicule me for sure. How shameful!" These negative thoughts kept sneaking into my mind as I read their materials.
In retrospect, my career was going smoothly and I had enjoyed a decent income in recent years. However, it didn't bring light and happiness to my life. I was still impetuous and indifferent. I didn't see any hope. Only Dafa had shown me the meaning of life. How could I give up Dafa and get lost again in the secular and material world?
I want to come back to cultivation! I will deny all the old forces' arrangements by studying the Fa. I will keep sending forth righteous thoughts and catch up with diligent fellow practitioners. I want to assist Teacher in the Fa-rectification and return home with Teacher.
May 22, 2010
