(Clearwisdom.net) We had a shortage of technical people in our area, so a practitioner suggested that I learn about the software and other necessary technology to run and service computers. Fellow practitioners would then be able to ask questions and get help when needed.
I became busy with learning all the necessary technology, worked hard daily, and appeared to be quite diligent. Unfortunately, I could not calm down to study the Fa for a long time, and gradually turned for the worse. I procrastinated and was more idle than busy. Yes, I did worry sometimes, but just couldn't strive forward. I had a very strong attachment to doing things.
A practitioner in our area who was thought to be diligent then passed away and the first practitioner came down with sickness karma. This was a wake-up-call, and I finally calmed down and started to look inside.
I thought that I had found my fundamental attachment. I believe now that I accepted the old forces' arrangements, and just couldn't move beyond my situation at the time. There were many human notions and much interference. I just couldn't concentrate when studying the Fa and experienced family interference. I understood that I didn't do well and found plenty of attachments when I looked inward. I thought that sending forth righteous thoughts would eliminate them, but it didn't solve the fundamental problem. I was still the same.
Teacher gave me a hint in a dream. I was walking on a golden path, however the road was narrow, and I was afraid of falling. This made me realize that I had chosen the wrong path.
Teacher said, "...all deviant paths are fraught with danger and pitfalls." ("Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Western U.S. Fa Conference")
I constantly pursued this and that, especially fame. I pursued my own interests and was deeply immersed in sentiment before I began practicing Falun Gong. After I began practicing, I pursued the thought of consummation. I looked at it as a higher level of happiness! I thought, "I'm looked after by the greatest Buddha, and able to have good fortune in the human world." As a matter of fact, I received far too much. I resisted enduring hardship, as I regarded pursuing a happy life as the only goal. So, how could I remember a Fa-rectification period Dafa practitioner's mission and responsibility? How could that be called practicing? This was the fundamental issue!
Teacher said,
"If you are still unclear about what a Fa-rectification disciple is, you won't be able to step forward in the current tribulation, and you will be led by the human world's pursuit of comfort to "enlighten" along an evil path. Master's heart has always been pained by those who have fallen, and the majority were ruined by that pursuit." ("Fa-Rectification Period Dafa Disciples" from Essentials for Further Advancement II)
I kept looking within to find the fundamental reason for pursuing a happy life, and I finally found what held me in its thrall. It was selfishness, very strong selfishness. That's why I was still looking for fame, had only my own interests in mind. I was deeply attached to my own emotions, despite the long time I had practiced Falun Gong. I recalled certain incidences in the past and realized that they were all were the true representation of my selfishness!
I think that the new universe is selfless, but I was actually going the opposite way. Doesn't this amount to being under the control of the old forces? How can someone with such a mentality save people? How long would I have deviated without Teacher's hint? What would be my future without Teacher's protection and His not giving up on me?
From today on, I will give up this selfish heart, make a full turn, walk well on the path arranged by Teacher, shoulder my responsibility, validate Dafa's greatness, and harmonize my surroundings.
