(Clearwisdom.net) I recently participated in a group Fa-study, where we read Lecture Eight of Zhuan Falun. It was my turn to read, and we were approaching the end of the lecture. I had been thinking about cultivation of speech, and my turn to read had come up at the last paragraph in the section “Cultivation of Speech.” When I was reading, I missed two characters that mean “us.” I realized that I should cultivate my speech well.
Whenever I went to coordinate something with fellow practitioners, they often pointed out flaws of others and mentioned that we should cultivate speech. Each time, I forgot to think from the perspective of the Fa and followed others in talking behind people's backs. Later I would realize what I had done and regret it. Yesterday a practitioner mentioned cultivation of speech again. I thought about why I still could not follow Master's requirements. I felt that my reasons were as follows: I had prejudice toward others, and others' behavior was not in line with my standards. So, I was always measuring other practitioners with the Fa and looking outward. When I shared my thoughts with practitioners, I was happy if they agreed with me. If not, I argued and even used the Fa to support my arguments. Thinking about this, I felt that I wasn't behaving like a practitioner and felt very disappointed.
Among ordinary people, in the household, or between brothers and sisters, I also liked to talk about others. At home, I talked about old affairs all the time. It seemed that without this, we had nothing to talk about. After some time, some bad substances were added into my dimension, and I forgot to cultivate my speech among practitioners, which formed gaps and affected others. I knew that I should correct myself when there are conflicts, but I forgot about it when the actual situation arose. Sometimes I didn't forget, but felt like a substance was making me speak when hearing others' gossip. After I spoke out, I felt regret.
I accidentally bit myself twice while having a meal, which made me realize that my shortcomings in cultivating speech may be very serious. For a long time, I liked hearing pleasant things, showed off, was attached to saving face, and indulged in selfishness. I knew that I should look inward when problems arise. When I did so, I found many attachments, but I didn't dig them out and remove them. I just changed superficially, but not in my mind.
I also started to neglect safety. In the Fa-study group, we all knew each other well. I had a habit of looking at others' attachments during Fa-study, instead of looking inward on the same issue. When practitioners pointed out my problem, I felt unhappy.
Master said,
“That is why it's said that always cultivating as if you were just starting will surely result in achieving your ultimate rank.” ("Fa Teaching at the 2009 Greater New York International Fa Conference")
When I first obtained the Fa, I always followed Master's Fa in speaking and was strict with myself in every sense, but I became more cunning over these years in the ordinary world. Cultivation has its own standards, and I was just deceiving myself. When reading practitioners' articles on Clearwisdom, I felt ashamed. These practitioners exhibited such diligence and steadfastness. Considering Master's compassionate salvation and teachings, I feel regretful for my shortcomings.
