(Clearwisdom.net) I obtained the Fa in 1997. During these 14 years of cultivation, I have experienced a lot of tribulations as well as taken a lot of detours. Looking back at my cultivation, I found that the reason my path was rough was because the starting point for my cultivation was selfishness.
After one group Fa-study, we shared our experiences and understandings in cultivation. I just wanted to listen to my fellow practitioners sharing their experiences, but suddenly a thought occurred: “Why didn't I have the compassion to save sentient beings that I heard in other practitioners?” Not only did I not have compassion, I could be considered ruthless among everyday people. I thought it was because I didn't have the attachment to human emotions. Later when my spouse (a fellow practitioner) mentioned that many of our relatives still had not quit the affiliated organizations of the evil Party, I appeared very cold about it, and thought it was no big deal whether they quit or not. I truly did not have the compassion and determination to save them. After sharing this thought with fellow practitioners, I found that I created an extremely selfish “self” while living among everyday people for a long time. In the notions of this “self”, everything is considered from the perspective of self-interest. Other people, including family members, relatives, friends and colleagues, were not at all within the scope of consideration by this “self” when there was a fundamental conflict of interest. Therefore, the words I spoke lacked the power of compassion. My clarifying the truth was not for the pure purpose of saving sentient beings, but often involved showing off my knowledge and clever insight. I liked to impose my ideas on others which prevented them from truly understanding the truth and making the right choice.
Looking back at my cultivation process, the attachments of concern, fear, zealotry, showing off, hatred, jealousy, fame, profit, comfort, self-righteousness, etc. were in fact coming from this selfish “self”. When I first obtained the Fa, it was for reaching consummation. During the Fa-rectification cultivation period, I went to Tiananmen Square to make sure I would reach consummation. When I was being persecuted, I compromised due to my hatred of people who were being used by the evil and my fear of being hurt. My clarifying the truth was fundamentally done to accumulate virtue. When my interests were being hurt, I could never let it go in my heart. It was like the state Master spoke of in “Realms” (from Essentials for Further Advancement): “A wicked person is born of jealousy. Out of selfishness and anger he complains about unfairness towards himself.” For a long time I have not been aware of this fundamental attachment of mine, and I thought I was cultivating well. The result of this selfishness was many tribulations and unnecessary losses.
This also made me understand the beings in the old cosmos: “They all want to change others but not themselves...” (“Touring North America to Teach the Fa”) Because of “selfishness” they wanted to keep from being changed, but the result was elimination. I understand more now, that as practitioners we should look at ourselves, even when we are suffering. We should “attain the righteous Enlightenment of selflessness and altruism.” (“Non-Omission in Buddha-Nature” in Essentials for Further Advancement)
Having found this fundamental attachment, I realize that I should learn to weed out the “selfish” factors in every thought and notion. I should consider others first, rather than placing my own interests and feelings as the top priority, in order to do the three things well from the pure perspective of saving sentient beings.
