(Minghui.org) Recently I have not been diligent in Fa study and doing the three things. Attachments show up suddenly. Some attachments which I thought were nearly gone, have instead appeared very strong. I am sad about this, and have a heavy heart every day, which causes me to feel weary and tired. I am often drowsy, even after sleeping for a long time. In the past I did not have this problem even when I only slept for five hours per night. I now feel muddle-headed instead. My righteous thoughts are not as strong as before, and I am depressed.
I realized that I have big loopholes which have been taken advantage of by evil factors. The current situation is the result. One time I looked inward and found many attachments, including jealousy, competitiveness, zealotry, showing-off, the attachment to fame and fortune, looking down on others, revenge, regarding myself as infallible, arrogance, and not letting people criticize me. I was shocked when I looked deep down inside. But upon looking further, I found that behind my looking inward to find these attachments was the intention of seeking a calm mind at an everyday person's level. In this way, I would be comfortable on the surface, reaching a “peaceful” state both physically and mentally, in order to avoid conflicts.
It seemed that I was looking inward to eliminate my attachments, but my intention was not pure--what was behind all of it was wanting to make myself comfortable. This is actually selfish; it was a hidden, camouflaged attachment.
Please point out anything improper.
Category: Improving Oneself
