(Minghui.org) In February of this year I experienced serious illness. I could only eat porridge because my dentures did not fit and thus, I was unable to chew. Soon, I began to feel quite fatigued. I tried to deny any interference and continued to participate in Falun Dafa projects. However, as time went on, I felt very tremulous and had no energy at all. I only wanted to sleep. I was sleeping for several days without any food or drink and experienced significant weight loss. Everyone was surprised to see the decline in my health. I was too weak to speak or stand up and developed a fever. My family and fellow practitioners were very worried. My son was about to send me to the hospital, but I refused to go. Some practitioners thought that if the pain was beyond my capacity to bear, then I should go to the hospital. I realized, however, that I should not have thoughts like that. My thoughts should be righteous and strong! Teacher said: “True cultivators have no illnesses.” (“Explaining the Fa for Falun Dafa Assistants in Changchun” from Explaining the Content of Falun Dafa) Teacher also told us, “This is because once you assume that you are ill, your xinxing level will be as high as that of everyday people." ("Cultivation Insanity" from Zhuan Falun).
I am a true Falun Dafa practitioner and I believe Teacher and the Fa. I decided to follow only this thought and Master's arrangement for me. However, my situation did not improve. Fellow practitioners joined me in sending righteous thoughts. I did not want to waste their precious time, since they were so busy helping save sentient beings. They reminded me that we are “one body” and that my issue was also their issue. Fellow practitioners told me that I might be the one suffering from interference and health issues, but actually, this was not only my problem. We all needed to look inside ourselves to find out why the evil is able to take advantage in this situation.
I kept looking inward and found that I had many attachments such as jealousy, showing off, aggression, complaining, and zealotry. I have practiced Falun Dafa for over ten years, but I didn't truly cultivate. I separated studying the Fa from cultivating my moral character. I considered participation in Dafa projects to be cultivation.
Teacher said, "The biggest problem we have now is the one I just talked about. That is, when you fail to cultivate yourself and look within." ("Fa Teaching at the 2008 New York Conference") Teacher told us that, “For a cultivator, looking within is a magical tool.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2009 Washington DC International Fa Conference”)
I didn't utilize this “magic method” and thus felt guilty and untrue to Teacher and Dafa. I have so many attachments! How can I go home with Teacher? I studied Teacher's article, “To the European Fa Conference”, with other practitioners. I read it three times. I felt that I was one of the practitioners Teacher mentioned in the article. I have cultivated for so many years, but I actually didn't look inward and get rid of attachments. Instead I looked down on others who were trying to cultivate and involved myself in conflicts with them. If others offered opinions different from mine, I treated them quite badly. Sometimes, I complained about other practitioners and didn't want to continue doing Dafa projects with them. I stayed home to practice. If I am not validating Dafa, am I a true Dafa practitioner? Doing nothing is equal to not cultivating. I asked myself, did I want to be a true Dafa practitioner? I should complete my tasks! Other practitioners persuaded me to eat something and to deny any interference in my cultivation. I forced myself to have something to eat and gradually the situation changed for the better.
I kept one thought in mind--I am a true practitioner and I definitely can follow Master and go back to my real home. I will work hard and put all my energy into cultivation of Dafa. My children are all married and I live alone and so I should be able to concentrate on cultivation. I must use all of my time and energy to do Dafa work and cultivate myself well. During the past 10 years of the persecution of Falun Dafa, I have done everything other practitioners have asked while working on various projects. I gradually became a coordinator. I did many things by myself and developed attachments to doing things and became selfish. I insisted that others must listen to me and follow all my requirements. Thus, many conflicts occurred and I failed to consider why these things were happening. Where were the gaps in my character and moral understandings? Were my attachments being targeted? I believed that I was always right, and that it was someone else who was responsible for the conflicts. This attachment was so strong that I was unable to find my weakness. Thus, I also began to have conflicts with my family. I didn't meet with other practitioners for sharing. I didn't follow Master's requirement to “search inside yourselves first when problems arise” (Teaching the Fa at the Assistants’ Fa Conference in Changchun, July 26, 1998). I missed this opportunity to cultivate myself. I felt unbalanced and complained a lot. I felt that this was actually a jealousy attachment which should be eliminated immediately or I would fail in cultivation.
Selfishness blocks improvement. This is a principle in the old universe and of the Chinese Communist Party culture. I worked in an office and was used to being contemptuous and self-centered. I criticized other people if I didn't agree with them. Other practitioners are like a mirror. If I see their weakness, I should ask myself why I saw it and if I have the same problem. I should look inside first. If I have the same issue, I should get rid of the attachment. If I don't look inside, there will be conflict and the entire body of cultivators will be affected. This will negatively influence all practitioners improving together. Looking inward is a key point. Looking inward can help us to the three things well and follow Master home. I should consider all practitioners as a whole and deny the evil.
Category: Improving Oneself
