(Minghui.org) I began practicing Falun Gong in June 1998. In May 2005, the serious attachments I had to lust and desire gave the old forces an excuse to persecute me. Because my righteous thoughts were not strong enough at the time, I thought I should endure persecution, because I had done things that were not in line with Fa. I was arrested and sent to prison. Under a great amount of pressure, I compromised with the evil. It has been four years since my release and I have been trying to do the three things well. I focus on studying the Fa a lot, and I send forth righteous thoughts every day. Yet, the shadow of being persecuted follows me and lingers in my mind like a ghost.
Whenever I heard of or learned about the practitioners around me being persecuted, I would immediately relate it to my experience. I would think very carefully about whether or not I had been in contact with these practitioners, and whether or not I had left behind any “clue” for the evil. I also paid close attention each day to the “Additional Persecution News from China” articles when I read the Minghui website. I was trying to learn the circumstances under which the practitioners were arrested in each region, and in which areas I should be careful. Sometimes I dreamed about still being in prison, and I often felt exhausted physically and mentally. I was very tired.
Because I had not eliminated my “fear” and my “attachment of fear” toward the evil, I became jealous when I saw other practitioners doing the three things well. I looked for the human attachments that the practitioner hadn't cultivated away. I would point them out to the practitioner, but in my mind I thought, “If these human attachments are not cultivated away, then they will lead him or her to be persecuted.” Jealousy is often accompanied by wicked thoughts and it is actually one's demon nature at work. Yet Master didn't give up on me, a disciple that had let him down before. Seeing that I had so many filthy human attachments, and that my righteous thoughts were not strong enough, Master constantly gave me hints and arranged for me to encounter various situations in my daily life which exposed my demon nature. In this way I could eliminate them.
While sending forth righteous thoughts, Master allowed me see that a great amount of evil was eliminated by my righteous thoughts. When I felt that my ability was inadequate, I could feel that Master was right next to me, strengthening me, and giving me powerful energy to disintegrate the evil. I knew that Master was encouraging me and that he intended for me to gain confidence. However, the shadow of being persecuted still wasn't completely eliminated. It was similar to weeding a garden. Right after one area had been weeded, another batch of weeds would emerge.
After doing the exercises this morning I thought about why it was that I couldn't walk away from the shadow of the old forces' persecution, and why it was that I was so scared. Sometimes when I am “fearful,” it feels like something is grabbing my heart tightly, as if I could die at any moment. I concentrated on looking inward and found that it all started when I was unable to relinquish the attachment of love toward my daughter and my husband, and when I could not give up my life among everyday people. After I found these attachments, I continued looking further and found one notion that I harbored about the old forces. I always thought that if I didn't do well in cultivation, that I should be subjected to persecution.
I knew however that the root cause was still eluding me. I continued to look inward and found that I had remorse. When I was being persecuted by the evil and compromised myself, I thought I didn't do well. I always felt that it would be so wonderful had I not made that mistake. Maybe I would cultivate to an even higher level and I would be perfect with no flaws. Subconsciously, I had one thought, and that was to clear away the stain. In order to eliminate the stain, I assumed I would have to endure another round of persecution, start anew, do well while being persecuted, and then I would truly qualify. But I also worried that if I failed again to stand up to the persecution, I would be ruined. These thoughts made me want to hide somewhere. I didn't want to live at home, and I became restless.
After finding all these emotions and attachments, I still felt that I had not found the root cause. I continued looking further and right away I found the root cause. It was the notion of “formation-stasis-degeneration-destruction” that had formed in the old cosmos. This notion was deeply rooted in my psyche and I thought that as long as something had degenerated then it needed to be destroyed. I didn't realize that I was carrying this notion, but it was causing an effect. In many situations, I was affected by it without even realizing it. I thought that because I didn't do well in cultivation, I wasn't eligible to return to the heavens. I was using a notion formed in the old cosmos to measure myself and others. This was the biggest obstacle preventing me from completely believing in Master and the Fa.
Once I finished looking for the causes of my shortcomings, my heart immediately opened up and I felt instantly enlightened. I truly felt that Master had fundamentally disintegrated a deeply-rooted old notion in me. At that moment, the shadow of being persecuted was completely destroyed. The foul substance formed by my attachment to fear, jealousy, the competitive mentality, and the attachment to self-interest was destroyed without a trace.
Before this, I had often felt very dizzy and unwell. I would have nose bleeds with blood clots, yet I was unable to find the cause. Now, I feel great physically. I am very energetic and sharp minded. The new cosmos harmonized the mechanism that does not become extinct, and has formed very powerful energy in my little universe. I feel I have stepped through two worlds, going from the old into the new. There are no words to describe the wonderful feeling of being completely relaxed and completely free. I feel that I send out energy that is benevolent, serene, and peaceful, both physically and mentally.
I knew it was great compassionate Master who led me through this ordeal and all of the suffering. He guided me to walk away from the old cosmos' mechanism, and at the same time cleared all the complications that come from gratitude and resentment that I had accumulated while descending level by level. Thanks to Master, I also cultivated the determination of a Vajra, by believing in Master and the Fa during the process of overcoming these tribulations.
After going through this life process, I feel it was truly hard coming this far. Now more than ever, I know that it is Master who painstakingly endures a great deal so that disciples can advance in cultivation.
Master told us in “20th Anniversary Fa Teaching,”
“I will tell you: cherish the path that you have traveled and what you’ve done, cherish all of the time you’ve spent validating the Fa. What has passed shall never return.”
I cry every time I read this passage because I know how hard it is to have come this far in Fa-rectification.
I would like to express my respect for Master. I am kneeling down to show my gratitude toward Master and Master's grace!
