(Minghui.org)
Greetings, revered compassionate Master!
Greetings, fellow practitioners!
I am a veteran Falun Dafa practitioner, having practiced cultivation for 17 years. I went through four years of personal cultivation in mainland China and almost two years during the worst persecution period; the remaining 11 years was overseas during the Fa-rectification period. As a being cultivating in Dafa, I have many glorious experiences. I feel the enormous honor of a Fa rectification period practitioner and realize the sacred mission we carry. I have also experienced the agony when attached to human hearts. The attachments not only affect saving sentient beings but also hurt fellow practitioners. I want to express my sincere apologies to fellow practitioners who were hurt due to my actions. During this Fa conference, I will reflect on my cultivation path, look for shortcomings, rectify myself in the Fa, and do well in facilitating Master's Fa rectification and saving sentient beings.
I started Falun Dafa practice in mainland China in 1995, when I learned that Teacher had begun teaching the Fa in 1992. I felt that I was late and needed to catch up. From the first day, no matter the weather, I never missed a day of morning exercises, nightly Fa study, and group Fa study on Sundays. Others went to the exercise site at 5:00 a.m., but I arrived two hours earlier. I worked hard and spent much time in Fa study from 1998 to 1999 and paid attention to true cultivation, doing anything and everything according to the Fa standards. I could finish the entire book Zhuan Falun in a day, laying a good foundation to facilitate Master's Fa rectification in the future in order to save sentient beings.
I came to Canada in 2001 and initially had a hard time adjusting to the cultivation environment overseas. I felt that the overseas practitioners were undisciplined, not able to bear hardship, not strict with themselves, had too many attachments and too much sentimentality with regard to each other, etc. To preserve my “purity,” I hardly ever associated with any of them and only attended Fa study, spread the Falun Dafa teachings, and participated in activities to protest the persecution. Whenever I shared my experiences, I only discussed my understanding of the Fa and avoided conflicts with practitioners. However, deep down, I covered up my attachment: I felt that I had laid a good foundation for myself and had cultivated solidly step by step; I felt that my cultivation path was upright and I developed a strong attachment of competitiveness, looking down on others, and used my standard to measure fellow practitioners, viewed problems with my notions, and wasn't considerate of other practitioners. Once my attachment surfaced, my xinxing had already slid down.
I frowned upon the overseas cultivation environment and gradually slacked off in cultivation. I indulged in the fundamental attachment of selfishness, particularly when I became a coordinator. I went from paying attention to individual cultivation to paying attention to practitioners' cultivation, thinking that I was being responsible to the Fa and fellow practitioners. Later, this evolved into often noticing other practitioners' shortcomings. I began worrying for them, and blaming, criticizing, not paying attention to cultivation of speech, subsequently hurting them unintentionally. I forgot what Master taught us.
Master said:
“'Cultivate yourself' and 'search within' are words that I have said in a very straightforward and clear manner. But, there aren’t that many people who give these words due weight.” (“Fa Teaching Given at the Epoch Times Meeting”)
I experienced numerous lessons in this regard; whenever there was conflict, I often looked outward, not within.
Over a long period of time, whenever Master brought up a particular issue, I immediately thought: “So-and-so has this problem” and “so-and-so does not cultivate herself.” Whenever conflicts surfaced, I wouldn't look within and cultivate myself, instead, I often tried to defend myself with excuses and reasons.
Master mentioned:
“What I think is: The only path that lies before you, the disciples of Dafa, is one of real cultivation. There is no other path.” (“What is a Dafa Disciple”)
Master tried to enlighten me over and over again; He even arranged for practitioners around me to teach me how to cultivate solidly.
Look Within Unconditionally, Cultivate a Heart of Compassion
I became a local coordinator in 2004 and began selling advertising for The Epoch Times in 2007. These two endeavors occupied most of my time. I spent long hours working with practitioners on a daily basis, so naturally, xinxing conflicts and tests surfaced constantly. Most of these were specific problems arising from work. I developed the habit of doing everything very seriously since childhood, and thought that it was a good thing. I was often praised for this, but during cultivation it became something that hindered my elevation. I used my notion of so-called “seriousness” to judge the right and wrong of things and a non-practitioner's basic notions to determine things. I inserted the arguments of right and wrong, neglecting the factors that helped me improve in cultivation. I often behaved with a lack of kindness and couldn't understand others, sometimes feeling that this was obviously a fellow practitioner's problem and that I was right. This was actually an expression of attachment to self.
Master compassionately arranged for practitioners to show me how to understand and be considerate to fellow practitioners, even when they wronged me. When I interviewed a practitioner one day, she told me about her cultivation process when another practitioner misunderstood her. I was deeply moved to hear her story and felt angry about the injustice done to her. However, she replied calmly, “I didn't develop any emotions, I didn't even want to defend myself; I thought that if they misunderstood me, so be it. Later, I thought about why fellow practitioners misunderstood me, that it must be my problem, so I began searching within.”
I was greatly touched by this and also began learning how to search within, and tasted the wonder of looking within. However, once this habit is formed, it is very difficult to change; oftentimes I couldn't immediately realize it and searched within still judging things on the basis of a non-practitioner's level, debating right and wrong, and regretful once I remembered that it was all my fault to begin with.
Since I hadn't formed a good habit, Master arranged an environment to help me. A new practitioner came to work, and whenever problems surfaced, she often replied, “It is still my own problem.” She repeated this often, and I felt as if that was what I needed to hear.
Master taught us:
“If in cultivation you don’t get rid of your human thinking, anything might serve to trigger your attachments or act as an obstacle in your cultivation.” (“20th Anniversary Fa Teaching”)
“If you are able to look inside, that trying situation will become instead an opportunity, something to overcome and a chance to enter a new state.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2008 New York Conference”)
Master used fellow practitioners' well-cultivated sides to help me realize my attachment and help me cultivate it out. A young, new practitioner came to our area. Her kindness and purity deeply touched me. She always was kind to others and helped them whenever she had an opportunity. She was happy to be able to help others. Looking at her, I realized the selfish nature that was my fundamental attachment and from that point branched out to many other attachments, preventing me from improving and elevating. She encouraged me to help and share with practitioners, which was actually my responsibility as a coordinator. I was ashamed of myself.
Gradually, there was change when I viewed and dealt with other practitioners. I was able to see their strengths. The surrounding environment also changed, and my heart for saving sentient beings became even more firm. I saw everyone suffering. I saw fellow practitioners suffering when they went through tribulations and holding on to their attachments. I was no longer attached to their attachments and no longer complained about them. When I saw people struggling hard in life, I was no longer upset about their temporary misunderstanding of Dafa practitioners and stopped jumping to conclusions. I developed more patience and compassion toward family members. With their misunderstanding and non-supportive attitude, I was able to look for my shortcomings. I was the one that did not cultivate well and didn't let them fully understand the truth—it was my fault that they didn't feel the wonder of Dafa. I no longer fussed over their disrespectful attitudes or my feelings or reputation. I became more compassionate and treated them with true sincerity. My mission is to save them, after they have waited for eons, thousands of years of reincarnation. What a predestined relationship we have that we can become one family! No matter how, you come for the Fa, beings seeking to be saved. I will save you, completely negating the old force's arrangements. My husband used to have a hot temper; he became more rational and kind. I truly understand now what Master taught us.
Master said:
“If you are free from this sentimentality, nobody can affect you. An everyday person’s mind will be unable to sway you. What takes over in its place is benevolence, which is something more noble.” (Zhuan Falun, Lecture Four)
Experiencing the Annoyance of Eliminating an Attachment, Letting Go of the Fear of Being Criticized
The biggest challenge over the years was selling advertising for The Epoch Times, particularly to Chinese companies. Selling ads was not only difficult, but also subject to interference from evil forces. Ever since 2007, I've been the only person selling advertisements for the Chinese market. There wasn't any pressure from The Epoch Times staff; there was no problem as long as I continued to make sales. I put pressure on myself. Since I came to save sentient beings, how could I not do well? Add the interference from evil forces, and the initial years were very difficult. I endured a great deal.
Later, we added another staff member, so our cooperation was crucial. Whether we did something separately or together, we ran into xinxing conflicts, exposing all my attachments: attachment to benefits, the mentality of competitiveness, the heart of validating self, the fear of being criticized, the fear of not being acknowledged. I particularly couldn't handle being wronged, plus we have totally different personalities along with the grudges we built up during this lifetime and maybe in history. Working together was extremely difficult. I felt that it was impossible for us to work well together and felt it was a hopeless situation.
As more staff came to work for The Epoch Times, the environment became more complicated. I could not escape the sentimentality and felt miserable. I struggled for over a year. The most painful thing was that my productivity was declining. I didn't look inward and began complaining about fellow practitioners and their lack of righteous thoughts. One practitioner whom I resented, even caused a conflict between me and another practitioner in marketing. The declining productivity had everything to do with my poor xinxing, and I resented the fellow practitioner even more. When I later realized my resentment, I told the fellow practitioner of my state at the time. Later, the office environment changed a great deal.
That was a miserable year. I don't want to recall any of it. Initially, I worked with others only reluctantly, thinking that the environment had changed for the better after Master's Fa teaching for The Epoch Times staff. The marketing was improving, so who would understand the hardship and bitterness I endured by myself over the years to pave the path? My heart was possessed with fear of being taken advantage of, and I also craved others' approval. Through constant Fa study, I gradually improved, but there was no fundamental change. I knew well that I just needed to let go of my attachments, and everything would then change for the good. I forced myself to give up fame and benefit, but whenever it disturbed my heart, I could not maintain my xinxing. When the conflict reached its peak, I finally decided to let go, and bitterness and depression enveloped me. I memorized Master's lecture in tears and sang Shen Yun songs, which all strengthened my righteous thoughts, and I passed the test for the first time.
What's owed has to be paid. One day, a fellow practitioner scolded me for half an hour. She used strong words to express her disappointment in me. I was shocked by her sudden and overwhelming criticism, I stood in the doorway, almost fell down, then leaned against the door with no strength to fight back. I had benefited from the Fa study over the last few days, and gradually was able to pay attention to what she was saying. I memorized the attachments she pointed out. Even when they were not true, I didn't want to point it out. The more she criticized me, the better I felt, and I experienced happiness when I let go of the fear of being criticized. From that day on, there were more small tests of that sort, and the fear of criticism gradually subsided. I am very grateful that Master helped me move such a stubborn mountain.
I believe that we resolved the grudges between us and cooperate very well now. We are steadfastly walking on the path of saving sentient beings. Whenever there is interference and the human heart surfaces, I can clearly see that it is caused by my own factors. If I do not have any selfish thoughts, if my heart is not affected, there will be no conflict.
Master warned his practitioners:
“No matter what it is you have encountered as you've gone about validating the Fa, it is all, I will tell you, a good thing--and that's especially so in these years of persecution--for those things have come about specifically because you do cultivation. Those ordeals and the suffering, no matter how great or harsh you find them to be, are good things, because they take place solely on account of your cultivation.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2008 New York Conference”)
Thank you, Master, for your salvation. Thank you for helping us resolve our grievances. Thank you, Master, for granting us the sacred mission of saving sentient beings.
These are my individual cultivation experiences. Please kindly point out any shortcomings.
Thank you, Master!
Thank you, fellow practitioners!
