(Minghui.org) For years, because I have not studied the Fa well as required by Master, I have been validating myself all along, either in doing the three things or doing everyday people's work, especially in reference to the extraordinary breakthroughs I have made in the area of technology.
I did carry out a few major technical reforms in projects which were outside of my professional field. These reforms have laid a solid foundation for the long-term development and economic returns for our company, and even experts were amazed at them. Our company had a project which failed to attract any financial returns for half a year, but people came to my door to see me about it without my making any effort to seek them out. This left me with more time to do the three things. I also had miraculous experiences while doing the three things. After I organized a Fa-study group, fellow practitioners also made rapid improvement.
I attributed all these to my own abilities, thinking I was capable and extraordinary. I never thought that all this was due to Master's strengthening and it was manifestation of the wisdom and power of Dafa that was bestowed upon me. While I was feeling good about myself and showing off my ability, I also expected fellow practitioners to praise and admire me.
I could not free myself from this attachment and this gap was taken advantage of by the old forces. After I was arrested, although I reflected upon myself and found a lot of attachments, I failed to find my fundamental attachment. Because I was still holding onto the fundamental attachment, I was fed with evil lies that slandered Dafa while I was detained.
After I got back home, my cultivation state was not good for a while, and I did not want to see any fellow practitioners. While I slacked off, I did not study the Fa or do the exercises either. However, Master protected me all this time. I began studying the Fa at home. When I read Zhuan Falun on the computer, the lies fed to me by the evil started to interfere with me, and I thought that certain paragraphs were contradictory with one another in terms of time. Then I thought this could be a test for me arranged by Master and I should trust Master and the Fa unconditionally. So I went on to study the Fa. After I read another four paragraphs, Master dropped me a hint that there was no contradiction in time. I quickly moved the cursor to the paragraph I read earlier and read it again carefully. Indeed the time references were completely consistent with one another. Earlier, interfered with by evil notions, I had not read carefully and it felt like I had been blocked by something. All my doubts were resolved. However, since I still had not found my fundamental attachment, there was no essential change in my state of mind.
Due to the selfishness that had been formed during a long period in the old universe, plus the current materialistic environment which has generated more attachments and desires, my selfishness and attachments also manifested unwittingly while I was doing the three things. The most obvious was the mentality to validate myself and the deep-rooted desire and lust I had when looking at fellow practitioners of the opposite sex, as well as the attachment of zealotry and the mentality of showing off.
Although fellow practitioners reminded me in various ways, I still tried to cover it up out of a strong desire to protect myself. Whatever we have attachments to, problems would likely occur in those areas. As a result, the negative matter generated from my attachments formed a field around me, blocking me from listening to advice from fellow practitioners. The negative matter also blocked me from gaining a righteous understanding of the Fa-rectification. I tried to deflect any advice from fellow practitioners with all kinds of excuses, and sometimes I also used Master's teachings as a shield to criticize others. I was doing the three thing while carrying a heavy load of attachments, which not only caused me much interference, but also led to my arrest last year.
Sometimes, I could make certain breakthrough and was able to do a bit better, but immediately I would develop attachment of zealotry, showing-off and start to validate myself. When things were not going so smoothly, I would complain about others for not doing well in cooperation or this or that. In short, I attributed all that was done well to my ability and everything that was not done well to interference from fellow practitioners or interference from the evil. I seldom looked within myself to see if I were the source of the problems. Even when I looked within myself, I still held onto my attachments, and so, I was never able to find my fundamental attachment.
Sometimes I did not know what to do, feeling I had lost direction, and with such an unsettled heart, I could not study the Fa with a calm mind. At the same time I felt that time was getting less and less with each passing day; I felt the urgency and also worried that I might be left behind. So I started to have an attachment to doing things. I became self-centered, thinking my projects were very good and should be widely promoted. I could not understand why there were so many blockades and why there was so much interference from others.
Master told us,
“Do you realize that as long as you’re a cultivator, in any environment or under any circumstances, I will use any troubles or unpleasant things you come across—even if they involve work for Dafa, or no matter how good or sacred you think they are—to eliminate your attachments and expose your demon-nature so that it can be eliminated, for your improvement is what’s most important.” (“Further Understanding” in Essentials for Further Advancement)
“If you are able to succeed in improving yourself this way, what you do then, with a pure heart, will be the best and most sacred.” (“Further Understanding” in Essentials for Further Advancement)
Because I did not walk my path righteously and did things with human attachments, the harder I tried the worse things turned out. I could not move forward as I did not walk my path righteously, and some projects for saving sentient beings came to a deadlock-- If I could not let go of human attachments, things would not change on the other side, either.
Before I realized this, I became annoyed, and started to talk to people in an irritated manner. I often spoke to fellow practitioners in a tone as if I was giving orders and instructions, or blaming others. I was also reluctant to cooperate with others. In order to show off my ability, I started to make derogatory remarks about things that I did not feel comfortable with or things not agreeable with my own notions. My failure in cultivation of speech also caused me everyday problems. All these are the result of me validating myself.
I tended to sing my own praises when sharing with fellow practitioners, which did not go over very well.
I was reluctant to point out fellow practitioners' shortcomings and even echoed what they said for fear of hurting their feelings. However, I was actually protecting my own face.
With these attachments, it was not surprising that I was too narrow-minded to be magnanimous towards those I disliked. At work, sometimes I even wanted to use punitive means to resolve problems. For cultivators, our thoughts are actions. What I have on my mind could mean that I had already done it. Because cultivators do things with supernormal abilities, and unrighteous way of thinking would bring about negative results. Appearance stems from the mind, and one’s environment changes with one’s heart. If one's mind is filled with selfishness, then his environment and things around him would definitely be a mess. So who's to blame? It is all caused by my human attachments.
Through intensified Fa study, and thanks to Master's hint that led me to read the sharing article “Break Through States of Mind that Block Enlightenment” (http://en.minghui.org/html/articles/2013/5/10/139317.html), I was shocked to realize that my state was much worse than that practitioner's. Master wants us to cultivate to become a selfless, altruistic and righteous enlightened being in Fa-rectification, not someone who validates themselves. We can only improve by letting go of all attachments and desires in validating the Fa and saving sentient beings. I cannot imagine what I would have become had it not been for Master's kind protection. Thank you Master for your boundless compassion and compassionate salvation that enabled me to come through on my bumpy path! Thank you fellow practitioners for your kind help!
