(Minghui.org) Looking back on my 16 years of cultivation, I feel that I am not worthy of Master's compassionate salvation. I have stumbled along on the path of cultivation, and Master has been protecting me and giving me hints every step of the way. It is hard to describe everything in detail. I am filled with emotion when I think about it. Master has sacrificed so much for each disciple, and we have disappointed Master so many times.
When I First Obtained the Fa
"I want to get out of this dirty place of ordinary people." With this thought I started to practice Falun Dafa with my mother. Maybe Master had made this arrangement long ago.
When I went to the group Fa study the first time, I realized that I had seen the place before in a dream. This was my predestination relationship. It was natural for me to join the group study. When I started to do the second exercise holding the law wheel, I could feel the law wheel spinning magically between my arms. The Fa study helped me to improve quickly. Many mysteries of life were unlocked one by one. I finally understood the meaning of life. I studied the Fa, memorized the Fa, did the exercises, and behaved according to the requirements for a practitioner. I strictly controlled my mind nature according the Fa, and conformed to the Fa. I felt fulfilled and wonderful. Those days were really beautiful. I went to the Changchun Stadium to see the exhibition put on by fellow Falun Dafa practitioners to promote Dafa. These exhibits were coming from the pure hearts and wisdom of Falun Dafa practitioners. There were so many Falun Dafa practitioners back then. They came with fellow practitioners in groups. It was a very happy and special time as we all experienced the saving grace of Falun Dafa.
Confusion, Falling Behind and Returning to Practice
The destructive test arranged by the old forces came without warning. I did not believe the slandering of our Master, but I was pregnant, and did not have the courage to go to Beijing to validate the Fa like other practitioners. I found many excuses for myself. I could not let go of the attachment to life and death. The old forces used a variety of ways to drag me back to the level of ordinary people. Although I never forgot that Master and Dafa are good, I stopped cultivating. I was struggling among ordinary people.
After several years I was in very bad shape. My health was terrible, I owed a lot of money, and my mind was filled with bad thoughts. I suffered so much from my attachments to reputation, personal gain and human emotion. That period was so painful for me. Finally one day a family tragedy made me realize that I could not face Master - I had not stood up to speak out for justice when Dafa was wronged!
Tragedy pushed me towards the dead end of life. I was sick and anxious; my husband's father had late stage cancer. We were running around to borrow money for the surgery. Relatives were forced to sell their assets. Everyone was blaming me for our problems. I faced rumors and slander. Under pressure, I borrowed enough money from my parents for the surgery. But my husband's family still claimed that they would come back to me later. While I was working and taking care my husband's father, my mother fell ill and also needed surgery.
Then I was shocked to learn that I was adopted. I did not know who or where my biological parents were. My whole family suddenly had nothing to do with me any more. I felt I had nothing in this world. The empty feeling was pushing me to the verge of death. With Master's protection I survived those days, and withstood the next storm.
My child ran away from home, and took money from the house. I had no one to cry to. Six months later I lost my job.
“Abundant troubles rain down together,
All to see: Can you pull through?” (“Tempering the Will” from Hong Yin)
I am grateful to Master for the strong warning. It woke me up. I went back to cultivation. I did not try to escape reality through cultivation. I understood the evil of the slandering. I could not imagine how Dafa practitioners made it through all that. Master had sacrificed so much for us! I felt ashamed that I did not speak out for justice. I studied Master's recent articles and suddenly felt hope. Thank you, Master for not giving up on me!
With a lot of Fa study, I diligently worked on my character while facing tribulations. I often got rebuked or picked on by my father-in-law even though I took good care of him. I held back and treated him with compassion. My mind often flashed the question, “What would a god do in this situation?” The high level principles elevated me very quickly. My health changed a lot. My child became good too, and I do not cry for him any more. My house which was mortgaged to pay the medical bills was taken away by our relatives. They forced us to move out in three days. The money which was planned to pay off our debt was taken away too. It was so painful. Fortunately I had Dafa and Master with me. Thanks to the power of Dafa and my strong faith in Dafa, I gradually let go of reputation and benefit, and let go of my hatred towards others. I got out of it step by step. Everyone around me saw the huge change in me.
I benefited so much from the Fa, and Master has hinted to me every step and saved me! My whole family almost fell apart. Now I have a happy family. All this was given by Dafa!
Breaking Free of Sentimentality
The three realms is immersed with human emotion.
“People just live for emotion. The affection among family members, the love between a man and woman, love for parents, feelings, friendships, doing things for friendship’s sake—no matter where you go you can’t get out of emotion.” (Zhuan Falun)
Before I started to practice, I was very attached to human emotion. Everything I did was based on emotion. I treated affection as the most important thing. During my cultivation Master repeatedly showed me the dirty face of human emotion. If a man paid attention to me and I accepted it, Master let me see his ugly face, his true motives and purpose. Master said,
“...yet emotion is one of the most unreliable things.” (“Teaching the Fa at the Meeting with Asia-Pacific Students” from Teaching the Fa at the Conference VI)
After I started to cultivate again, I gave up all romantic notions, but it was harder for me to let go of my attachment to family. Since I learned my parents were not my biological parents, the pain was too hard to describe. Especially over the holidays, I felt piercing pain. I cried a lot, looking up at the night sky. “Where are my biological parents? Have they even thought of me during my 37 years? Are they alive?” But I could not let my adoptive parents know about this because I did not want to hurt them. I studied the Fa to open my heart. I actually came to this world with no family. I am just like a tourist passing by, and this human world is like a hotel. This is not my home. But the pain still hit me.
Every New Year I would get sick, coughing for dozens of days. I could not get past this; until one day I learned from lecture six of Zhuan Falun that my situation was demonic interference caused by attachments. I have to let go of the attachment to family. Which mother in this world is my real mother? The one who gave birth to my soul is my real mother. Master rescued me and gave me a second life. Master is my closest relative. Master truly treasures me! If my birth situation was arranged by the old forces, I would not acknowledge it. I cannot be controlled by it, and I can't not be grateful to my current parents. I will use my compassion cultivated by practicing Falun Dafa to repay my parents who raised me. They are my parents in this life. Without any distractions, I can concentrate on cultivation. Saving more sentient beings is the thing I should focus on.
I suddenly lost touch with a friend I'd had since childhood. I could not find any information, even from her relatives. I just hoped she was alive. Her family had been in trouble for a long time, and her parents and brother had passed away. As a practitioner I knew I should stay calm, but I was a little anxious. Finally I learned that she was okay. We drove over to see her, but she and her family refused to see me, and did not reply to my repeated phone messages. I learned she had gone through a lot in the past six months, but she had not said a word to me. She hid everything from her best friend. It really hurt. I suddenly realized that I am a practitioner, so why should I be attached to this. Everyone has her own fate. Why should she tell me? I let go of the jealousy and resentment. It was good enough that she was safe. Human emotion cannot control me any more. The 20 plus year relationship was over in one day. It was painful, but fast. I felt refreshed. Thank you Master for the arrangement and the hints!
Taking Fame and Fortune Lightly
With Master's arrangements I got a job at a material logistics company. The environment is small, but highly complex. Facing savvy salesmen, various drivers, foreign goods station outlets inside and outside the province, and complex relationships between employers and employees, I always measure myself using the requirements for a practitioner. I do well with my work to show the beauty of Dafa using the wisdom and capability given by Dafa. I show them a practitioner's elegance. The employers say that Falun Gong practitioners are different from others. Because they know practitioners are not selfish, they want to hire more practitioners. I must do well. This is a Dafa practitioner's duty.
I measure myself using a practitioner's standard, and do not accept any gifts or money. Instead, I use the opportunity to clarify the truth of Falun Gong and persuade them to quit the CCP and its affiliated organizations. One person even followed me to my home and tried to stuff money into my pocket. I refused it without hesitation, but I gave him Shen Yun DVDs. During the Chinese Lunar New Year, many people give us money or gift cards. I refuse to take them. The goods station outlets uses various ways to give me money, because I help them make more money. I am strict with myself and return their money within a few days. I do not treat others badly when they are not fair to me. I use it as an opportunity to improve. I look inward to find my attachment, and correct it. Sometimes the conflict happens just because of my attachment. It is to test whether I am moved. I like to eat mangoes and cantaloupe. Someone gave me the largest and best mango and cantaloupe. I was the only person in the room. I tried my best to refuse but it did not work. I left the gift at my boss' desk. When I was leaving work, I really wanted to take one mango or cantaloupe, but then I thought, “I can't do that. The old forces are watching me and trying to find my loopholes. If I take a little this time, they will give me more next time. In the end, I won't be happy if I am not given a lot of money. It's not okay, and I need to follow a practitioner's requirement.” I bought some fruit myself. I told my husband about this. He agreed, saying, “If we want to eat something, we'll buy our own.”
Just when I wanted to buy new clothes, someone gave me clothes. I tried very hard to push it away, and finally I told her that I have a belief. I cannot accept gifts. I realized that it was caused by my attachment to new clothes. Right after I passed this test, someone told me that I could buy a house or car if I used my position well. I have worked at this position for a year and a half, without accepting any extra money or gifts. The employer trusts me a lot. He asks me to take care of the money and accounting. I thought I was doing well, but my attachment to reputation emerged. When the employer praised me, my heart was delighted even though I did not show it on the surface. If I heard something not too nice, I would not be happy. The attachment to reputation grew stronger and stronger! I always defended myself when others said I was not good. I always wanted to prove my ability. I have to remind myself that I am here to validate the Fa, not myself. All I have is given by Dafa. Without Dafa it would be impossible for me to handle the situation as well as an ordinary person. One thing woke me up.
After New Year last year, someone came to give us gifts at the office. The employer was upset that I did not accept it. He asked me to take it and give it to him next time. I immediately refused. I would rather quit my job than do something against a practitioner's standard. I used to be so happy that I did well. I looked inwards, and was baffled. Normally an employer is afraid of employees taking gifts, but this time it's not okay not to take gifts? I have to take it and give it to employer later. What went wrong? I would be helping them to accumulate karma! Isn't the old force using this to destroy them? No, I cannot do this. I need to be responsible for them. But still it did not feel right. After sharing with fellow practitioners and looking inward, I found my selfishness. I was afraid that my reputation would be damaged. I had the attachment to fame. The root cause was found, and the next day everything changed. After I corrected my mentality, the employer stopped asking me to accept the gifts on his behalf.
Through tribulations I have improved, but I still see the gap between me and my fellow practitioners. Some diligent practitioners exhibit the demeanor of Fa-rectification period Dafa disciples. I admire them very much. I am far away from the Master's requirement, and far away from the level of diligent practitioners. I still have many shortcomings and many attachments. I need to strive forward to improve.
Category: Improving Oneself
