What Caused the Pain?

(Minghui.org) The past few weeks have been a very trying time, because everyone working with me on a Dafa media project were unavailable due to personal engagements and personal problems. Besides the pressure due to the media project, I had just lost my job.

The most obvious solution was to move to my hometown, take a break, keep looking for a job, and keep working on the project. It all looked very simple, but it turned out to be more complicated with every passing day.

I was unable to leave the city where I was working and had to maintain my place of residence. This meant that I had to continue paying rent while having no income.

Moving to my hometown was not feasible due to family circumstances. While at home, people were of differing opinions about where I should go and what I should do. Interference abounded and kept testing my level of tolerance and forbearance.

It looked very simple and un-problematic on the surface, but I couldn't seem to make anyone understand. Differences among my family members were such that I had to shuffle between three cities – my old residence, the city where I'd gotten a new job for ten days out of the month, and my hometown.

New problems kept cropping up every now and then. Meanwhile, I harbored complaints against my previous employers.

As the issues intensified, my mind started being clouded by more intolerant thoughts. I was also nurturing grievances against my family, because I felt their attitudes were creating more interference for me. I felt that, with their support, my situation could be easier.

During my most recent stay at home, I explained my circumstances and feelings repeatedly to my husband, and pointed out how difficult, logistically, it was for me to haul my luggage, camera, and books while moving from one city to another so frequently. My constant complaining caused lots of unspoken resentment between us, and I continued complaining right up until I boarded the train.

I received a note from my husband (a non-practitioner) the next day, thanking me for giving him opportunities to grow. However, I still could not let go of the feeling of being unsupported. I was thinking that he should understand me, rather than the other way around.

Today as I started my morning exercises, my heart ached and I yearned for an answer to all these conflicts. Suddenly I realized that the pain was not due to lack of support or difficult circumstances, but because I was complaining and fretting.

I was holding others responsible for what I was facing, and that was burdening me. The moment I realized this, the pain ceased, and my mind stopped experiencing interference from within.

During this time, I had not only become intolerant but had also stopped being compassionate towards others. I recall now that whenever I shared my problems with someone, what I said turned out to be not totally true – it doesn't seem possible to tell the full truth while complaining about others or about circumstances. I was only thinking about myself, and this was taking me away from the Fa.

Though I knew I needed to practice Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, in practice I was unable to make my way out of my problems, because I didn't realize that I was holding others responsible for my circumstances.

Today I feel that there’s no need to be so bothered about what’s happening. It’s enough to just maintain righteous thoughts.