(Minghui.org) I used to constantly “search within” regarding each and every thought of mine. It was very stressful. I later realized that what I did was not looking within; it was self-criticism out of fear that I might make mistakes in my cultivation. My cultivation became forced as a result.
For example, whenever I saw people from mainland China, I thought I must help them quit the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and its associated organizations. I required myself to immediately direct the conversation towards truth-clarification whenever a remote opportunity presented itself. I was very tense. My behavior wasn't natural at all.
Whenever I realized I had a thought or an emotion that was not aligned with my understanding of the Fa, the protective mechanism to avoid mistakes in cultivation would be triggered. I then would suppress the thought or emotion without confronting it. Afterward, I would also develop a sense of guilt that, along with other human notions and emotions, was suppressed too.
The more I tried to resolve the issue, the more bad thoughts and emotions were pressed into my body. And the more I kept suppressing the bad thoughts and emotions, the harder it was to confront the issue directly. The vicious cycle went on and on.
Finally, I realized that I was examining and scolding myself because of the fear that I might do something wrong. I feared the tribulations or consequences of not following Master's arrangements or not conducting myself according to the requirements of the Fa. I was indeed “shining magnificently on the outside but a rotting mess inside” as described in the Minghui article “Golden Buddha” (with Master's comments).
My biggest attachment was fearing the consequences of my not conducting myself well. This fear was rooted in selfishness.
I realized that Dafa does not have any commandments or strict disciplines. No matter what I have enlightened to in my cultivation, over-emphasizing my understanding can become an attachment or human notion, which could interfere with my cultivation.
Instead of fearing the potential consequences of my behavior, I should confront my human notions and measure them with the Fa. If it isn't good, I should get rid of it willingly and unconditionally.
Cultivating by suppressing bad thoughts and notions is not truly cultivating and can only achieve something superficial. If we see our shortcomings, we should acknowledge them with humility and gradually eliminate them through searching within based on the Fa.
I felt so much more light after letting go of my self-protection mechanism that stresses avoiding cultivation mistakes.
This is my limited understanding. Fellow practitioners please kindly point out anything that falls short of the Fa.
Category: Improving Oneself
