(Minghui.org) In the past, I did not know I had the attachment of fear and of being overly-worried. These had become part of me and it had become difficult to identify.
The existence of these attachments could be seen in almost every aspect of my life. At school, I was worried about my grades. Although I studied the Fa every day, I had few breakthroughs with my human notions. At work or in my daily life, I handled things like an everyday person and rarely thought of Fa principles.
Looking back, I found it difficult to let go of human notions and act according to Fa principles. Sometimes getting rid of my human thoughts felt like I had to give up my life. This made me realize that cultivation practice is indeed very serious.
Passive Endurance
In “What is Forbearance (Ren)?” from Essentials for Further Advancement, Master wrote,
“Forbearance is the key to improving one’s xinxing. To endure with anger, grievance, or tears is the forbearance of an everyday person who is attached to his concerns. To endure completely without anger or grievance is the forbearance of a cultivator.”
I learned a lot from this passage.
For example, when someone swore at me I often endured to avoid further insults. When someone hit me, I always endured to prevent harsher consequences. When a teacher humiliated me at school, I took it passively because I thought any reaction on my part would lead to harsher retaliation.
Similar things occurred when I was detained for practicing Falun Gong. I endured all kinds of mistreatment and torture because I did not want to face more brutal measures. Even when the torture was hard to bear, I hoped I could make it through, instead of thinking of the Fa. I even regretted not doing more sitting meditation prior to my detention, because I thought that would have increased my ability to endure.
I know the persecution is wrong and I knew I was being subjected to illegal torture. When unable to recognize my blind spots, I did not have the courage, or righteous thoughts, to oppose the persecution.
Digging into the Root
Ever since childhood, I was humble and always feared being bullied by others. If a bully had asked me to crawl between his legs, I probably would have, since I was so afraid of being beaten and did not want to die. This is not the tolerance that Master mentioned in Fa lectures. Instead, it is a reflection of fear and low self-esteem.
After I started to cultivate, I felt a bit complacent since I felt I had already been good at enduring. I thought my cultivation practice would be a little easier. In fact, prior to cultivation I had not been acting in accordance with the Dafa principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance.
When I recognized my attachment of fear and wanted to let it go, it was very a difficult process, as if I would lose my life. I know the feelings, both the fear and being overly worried, were not me; rather, they were something separate from my existence.
Fear and worry are often mingled with other human notions. Since they are all bad thoughts, we should get rid of them all. This requires us to recognize them, remain diligent, and have firm faith in Dafa.
This also means we need to maintain righteous thoughts in all circumstances; otherwise, we may not be able to discern our attachments until they are exposed.
This attachment may have accompanied me for a long time. When we are truly able to think about things according to the Fa, those impure thoughts may be scared or cause us to be afraid. That means we need to put more effort into further recognizing them and digging them out.
Category: Improving Oneself
