(Minghui.org) I began practicing Falun Dafa in the ’90s when my daughter was only three years old. Whenever I listened to Master’s Fa teachings, she was right there beside me.
One time she ran to the mirror, looked at herself, and exclaimed, “Mother! Look! My hair is blue and curly.” I looked into the mirror but didn’t see it. The serious look on her innocent face told me she wasn’t lying. I realized that her celestial eye saw the image of her true self.
Master said,
“By the time I started to teach the Fa, those Gods came down like snowflakes—it was just that many.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2016 New York Fa Conference,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. XIV)
When my daughter got a little older, she read Master’s teachings and did the exercises with me. She also sometimes went out with me to distribute truth-clarification fliers.
She told me about a dream in which Master took her to a beautiful place. It was just like how heaven was described in the novel Journey to the West—the windows were made of jade, the nails were made of gold, and red double gates were adorned with beautifully painted phoenixes. The colors were transparent and exquisite throughout the entire display. There were also motifs of flying dragons and phoenixes everywhere. The grand castle was made of gold, silver and precious purple stones, and there were beautiful and rare flowers and plants in the garden. Master told her this overwhelmingly beautiful place was her real home.
Over the years, Master has also sent his encouragement and guidance to me through my daughter’s words. It’s been a big help to my cultivation.
After she started college in a different city, far from the familiar cultivation environment at home, my daughter drifted away from Dafa. She picked up bad habits from her peers, and became contaminated in the big dye vat of today’s society. She was always on her phone, spent hours watching videos online, and loved online shopping.
I tried to remind her to study the Fa and keep up with her cultivation. She wouldn’t listen, and became impatient and annoyed when I mentioned these things. I didn’t know what to do, so I brought it up less and less. She became completely lost among everyday people, and eventually stopped cultivating
After she attended graduate school, she became depressed because of the heavy workload and the pressure. She often said things like, “What’s the point of living? I’d be better off dead.”
My daughter harbored a lot of resentment for me. She was convinced that the reason she was not smart enough, not capable enough, and not successful enough was because I was too strict with her when she was growing up. She resented me for spanking her and criticizing her when she was little. She blamed me and said I had ruined her life. She swore to hate me forever. She said many harsh and hurtful things to me.
I wept every time I spoke to her. I felt wronged and was angry with her. I didn’t understand how she could be so ungrateful. Not only did she not appreciate me for raising her, providing for her, and supporting her financially through undergraduate and graduate school, she saw me as her worst enemy. On the other hand, I worried that she’d hurt herself or even commit suicide. All the bitterness and worry I carried around sat on my chest like a big rock.
I knew my daughter’s state was not right and neither was mine. I acted like an ordinary person, sometimes even worse. Master said,
“Nothing is by chance, and there are always two sides to things. An occurrence is meant to either test you or help you. In any case, two sides are involved. Think it over and you will realize that nothing happens by chance.” (“Fa Teaching Given at the New York Fa Conference Celebrating the 25th Anniversary of Dafa’s Spreading,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. XIV)
I thought to myself, “It’s not a coincidence that my daughter is in this state. This is happening so I can cultivate and improve myself. But, what am I supposed to work on?” I realized that she complained every time she called me. Is this what I needed to work on—my resentment? I examined myself to see if I harbored any resentment.
What I found astonished me. In fact, my resentment ran deep. I resented my mother-in-law for favoring grandsons over granddaughters and that she didn’t help me watch my daughter. I resented my husband for not standing up to his mother. I resented my daughter for not appreciating the things I’d done for her. I finally realized that my daughter’s constant complaining reflected my own resentment. It was my hint that I needed to get rid of resentment.
I decided to completely eliminate resentment. I called my daughter and sincerely apologized to her, “I’ve made many mistakes in the past and I apologize. I shouldn’t have spanked you and criticized you when you were little. I’ve caused you a lot of pain. I am sorry.”
I prioritized getting rid of resentment, but it was not easy to get rid of as it came in waves. Sometimes it seemed that my resentment was gone. But it would resurface after a few days. Whenever I felt bitter about someone or something, my daughter called and complained. Each time that happened, I knew it was time to look within and continue to work on this stubborn attachment.
I gradually got rid of resentment toward my mother-in-law and my husband. However, my daughter still called sometimes and complained. So I continued to dig further and examined myself. I found my resentment toward other people. I worked on completely removing it from my heart and getting rid of all of it.
I repeated this process over and over for a long time and noticed my xinxing improved. When I thought of someone who hurt me before, I no longer had hard feelings toward them but felt calm. I sincerely thanked them for helping me eliminate my karma and held no resentment toward them whatsoever.
Just when I thought I’d finally passed this test, my daughter called again one day and complained. She was even harsher this time and used some strong words. She spoke as if I was her biggest adversary, and told me that she would cut me out of her life once and for all.
After we talked, I immediately sent righteous thoughts. “No evil is allowed to use my daughter to interfere with me. I have Master. If I have any shortcomings, I will rectify myself through Dafa cultivation.”
That night, my daughter called and apologized for the first time. She said she was wrong, and she shouldn’t have said those hurtful things.
Ever since she apologized to me, my daughter rarely complained anymore. However, her state didn’t improve. She lacked self-esteem and was pessimistic. I pleaded, “Just study the Fa and cultivate yourself solidly. When you change your thinking, you’ll see the world differently.” She told me she would but quickly relapsed each time. I was confused and wondered what the root cause was.
While reading a sharing article on Minghui one day, I suddenly realized what the problem was. Master must have arranged for me to come across this article as it had taken me too long to enlighten. I told my daughter to change her thinking, but what about me? Have I changed my thinking? Although I didn’t like using the word “depression” to describe my daughter’s state, I had accepted it. Isn’t it the same as acknowledging that she was sick? I told her to study the Fa and told her only when she studied the Fa well, could she pull herself out of it. Wasn’t this pursuit? Wanting to use Dafa to heal my daughter’s sickness?
It all became clear to me at that moment—it was my wrong thinking that caused my daughter’s state. I was the root cause. She was not “depressed,” but was going through a cleansing process of her thought karma. Her symptoms were merely a manifestation of this state. Things are going to turn around when they reach the extreme. It was a sign that her thought karma was going to be eliminated. It was a good thing.
The moment my thinking changed, I felt a burden being lifted from my heart. My body felt extremely light and comfortable.
My daughter called the next day and said that she felt good, and had resumed studying the Fa. She called again a few days later and sounded excited, “Mother, I’m back. I’ve returned to Dafa cultivation.” I was so happy to hear that I could barely hold my tears back.
It played out exactly the way Master told us,
“...Notions change,The degenerate perish,Light and brightness show.” (“New Life,” Hong Yin)
I also realized that Master is always watching over and protecting young disciples.
Given this tribulation, I’ve learned the following: First, to always place my complete faith in Master and the Fa. Even when my daughter was at her worst state and I was the most worried and on the verge of a mental breakdown, I told myself, “I have Master. I only follow Master’s arrangements.” With this thought, my anxiety was gone and I calmed down.
Second, is to always examine myself and cultivate myself, not others. Regardless of how well or how badly my daughter does, I should not focus on her because I am not cultivating her. I am cultivating myself.
When I looked back at how I got through this tribulation, I truly felt that my daughter’s actions and state of being were all for me to cultivate myself. She was helping me improve, and I should sincerely thank her.