[German Minghui] Reaffirming My Vows

(Minghui.org) I started cultivating Falun Dafa in England when I was 25 years old, which was almost 12 years ago. Two years later, I translated my first report for the Minghui website. I remember it as if it were yesterday. Minghui is, and has been, a part of my cultivation path, and is deeply embedded in my heart.

For today’s Multilingual Minghui Experience Sharing Conference, I would like to talk about the ups and downs I have faced over the years. I am writing this report for this cultivation experience sharing conference to contribute a bit as part of the greater picture. But I am also writing this report for my own eyes, because I wish to become aware of my cultivation state. Not only that, but I am also writing this report for the eyes of my fellow practitioners, hoping that it may also help them gain further insights. But first and foremost, and I am certain about this, I am writing this report for the eyes of our esteemed Master. I want to express my gratitude to Master for his compassion, and at the same time reaffirm my vow.

I had a dream two weeks ago, where I thought that the Fa-rectification was nearing its end, and I regretted all the small frequent moments that I had frittered away my time.

I could actually feel what Master was saying:

“It'll be soon now, it'll be really soon now, but there will be many regrets left.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2016 New York Fa Conference,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. XIV)

Suddenly everything became crystal clear, and a voice in my heart told me not to look at the time. Time here may not actually operate in the same way. I knew that I still had plenty of time, and it was not too late for anything. After I woke up my mind was filled with hope.

This dream woke me up at the right time. I have slacked off in recent years. I had slacked off in doing the exercises, I had slacked off in supporting the Minghui team, and I had slacked off in really understanding the Fa. As a mother of two children in first and second grade who was running a household, for the last three to four years it appeared as if time was literally being taken out of my hands. My husband has been working night shifts for many years, so guiding our children remains in my hands, as does the household and other day-to-day matters. I also work in sales for a fairly large IT company, which again takes my time.

Of course, these are normal circumstances that I’m sure many cultivators have to deal with every day. I, too, had done my things much better before having this job in sales. At that time, I translated regularly, and did the three things ably and well. I also wrote many field reports myself. But at some point, a condition crept in on me that numbed me. I did the exercises less and lost the energy that had always given me strength. I pushed Fa study into my busy daily schedule, sending righteous thoughts whenever I wasn’t sitting in a meeting with clients, or falling asleep at night from exhaustion. Since my husband was and is often at work in the evenings or at night, I have not been able to regularly participate in group Fa study for many years. With slow but purposeful steps, my cultivation environment has been neglected.

Forsaking Minghui

Stubbornness to get recognition had formed in the early years of my childhood, so I participated in many Dafa projects. I thought I was doing things well that way and I felt comfortable. Fellow practitioners often praised me for how hardworking I was, and how well I could balance everything. Because I felt very close to a certain project and was needed there, three years ago I decided to leave the Minghui team and invest more of my time in the other project.

Since I had not learned the Fa well, I let my obstinacy for recognition drive me. After I announced that I was leaving the team, I got a call from a member of the Minghui team. He spoke to me about the importance of the project and told me that it was important and special to be able to be a part of Minghui. I decided to stay with Minghui, but I continued to dedicate a lot of my time to the other project.

After the Fa Conference in Berlin 2021, I realized that I should devote all of my time to the Minghui project. I should do one project well, instead of many projects halfheartedly. After only a few days I received a call. I was asked if I wanted to join the Minghui report project team. I immediately said yes. I felt that it was Master’s wish that I follow this path, and that I had made the right decision.

Driven by Attachments

I was proofreading the translated reports and checking and correcting the references, and I faced a different kind of pressure. My entire day was filled with coordinating corrections, clarifying questions, discussing discrepancies, and transcribing the changes into the reports. All of this had to be done on top of my job, homeschooling my children, and household chores. Many difficulties and conflicts arose. There was tension between me and my husband, because I was continually sitting in front of my laptop, instead of doing what everyone was used to me doing. I had to keep the house in order, and I had always appeased my husband for a certain period of time.

I tried to avoid conflicts with statements like, “When the book goes to press then and after that everything will be back to business as usual,” instead of eliminating them.

In those days I studied the Fa every morning and did the exercises almost every day, although not all of them. I looked inward about the difficulties, and tried to keep my cultivation state steady and stable.

When the book was finally in print, my situation changed abruptly. My kids had to go back to school, so I didn’t have time to attend the morning Fa study. I had to return from the home office to work, and had many customer appointments and network meetings, and my husband had expectations, which I had announced, that I would now devote more of my time to the family and tasks.

The pressure on me grew enormously, and I tried to please everyone, believing that I would harmonize everything. In fact, I did exactly the opposite. I tried to avoid my idiosyncrasies, namely the fear of rejection and my striving for recognition.

I am the middle child of five children and I grew up under dreadful circumstances. All my life I had seen my parents quarrel, cheat, and treat each other badly. And since I had been a bright and independent child, I just went with it. At the same time, it was conveyed to me that I was not worth much as a girl. From this, a strong thirst for recognition grew in me, and accompanied me throughout my life.

The Shell Breaks

A few months ago, my mother told me, “It’s because of self-knowledge.” Without really listening to her and understanding the context, the word “self-knowledge” bounced against my heart and cracked something open. I realized that all the qualities people had always told me I had were not the real me at all. I gained a better understanding of the word “notion/concept,” because I was looked at by others in that way and took that as me. Thus, my own thoughts created a kind of shell that surrounded me.

Master said,

“And then, when you look at yourself through your inner eye, it really may appear to you that you are. That can happen because, as I mentioned, all matter in an associated dimension around one’s body will transform, or be “altered,” according to one’s thoughts.” (The Sixth Talk, Zhuan Falun)

I had always been admired for how confident and brave I was. I also always thought that I had my own viewpoints. But that one word “self-awareness” caused a deep crack in the shell that surrounded me. In fact, I was not self-confident, but hid behind a strong facade all my life so I would not be hurt or rejected. Nor was I brave. I often bragged about things I had done or said, but when it came to direct confrontation, I pushed and pretended to move things along so that I still looked good. When I wanted to read on Sonant in the evening or do activities for Fa rectification, I explained myself to my husband, who was often annoyed that I spent my time every evening sitting at my laptop. He did this not out of spite, but because the old forces saw this big gap in me and were taking advantage of it. No matter what I did for Fa rectification, there was always grumbling and I was criticized for only focusing on projects after hours. Only at night no one bothered me. However, at that time I was too exhausted from doing my daily chores.

By concealing my stubbornness, I not only created difficulties for myself, but indirectly allowed my husband to behave in such a way for a very long time.

I am now in the process of breaking through those barriers. It is actually a very involved process, as this behavior is deeply ingrained and not always immediately apparent to me. But I have noticed that I am again becoming more stable in my cultivation. I am taking the time I feel is necessary to fulfill my vow.

I am just climbing out of a deep valley of cultivation. This is the first time in my many years of cultivation that I have been open and honest about it. My cultivation is at a critical point right now, and I am not doing well what I’m supposed to do. I have learned in the last few months what it means to be aware of oneself and to truly act sincerely. The fear of experiencing rejection and not being recognized has been recognized by me and now has no room to hide. At the same time, day-by-day I understand more and more how much I actually value myself, because I am a Dafa practitioner.

I sincerely hope that I have been able to take you with me on my path of cultivation, and that you have been able to gain helpful insights. If there are things that I have not correctly recognized according to the Fa, you are welcome to point them out to me.

Today, I would like to renew my vow to Master:

I will help Master until the end to save living beings. For this, I will learn the Fa well, and put it first. I will do the three things conscientiously and take care to improve and maintain my cultivation state in order to fully fulfill this vow. I thank Master very much for being by my side throughout all of these lives up to this point.

(Presented at the 2022 Multilingual Minghui Teams Experience Sharing Conference)