(Minghui.org) Having self-control is regarded as a good quality among people. However, while looking within recently, I discovered that self-control has prevented some attachments from being exposed and eliminated in my cultivation. 

Practicing Falun Dafa purified my body and mind and opened up my wisdom. I have a relatively high degree in education among ordinary people. During these years of cultivation, many human notions and attachments were let go, so I became more peaceful. In addition, with a certain level of education and self-control, I seldom had direct conflicts with people, and I have had even fewer conflicts with fellow practitioners over the years.

However, looking back on my more than 20 years of cultivation, I found that my first thought after encountering trials and tribulations seldom meets Dafa’s requirements for xinxing, as Master Li, the founder of Falun Dafa, described: 

“The superior man meets adversity head-on with a smile” (“The Challenges of Saving Self and Other” in Hong Yin VI). 

I could maintain peace and calm on the surface in many cases, but my heart would be troubled by negative emotions. It usually took some time studying the Fa, as well as some mulling it over and reflection, before I could gradually calm down and have balance return to my heart.

I realized that fear and helplessness were hidden behind the self-control. I feared that conflicts with ordinary people would discredit Dafa, and conflicts with fellow practitioners would add obstacles to the cultivation of the other party and me.

Digging deeper into myself, I found that I still had resentment, a factor of the Chinese Communist Party culture, because when I recalled certain people or things that had caused me trouble, I still felt disgusted and uncomfortable. Digging further, I found that deep in my heart, the attachments to fame, profit, and emotion persisted. 

I felt ashamed that I didn’t live up to Master’s compassionate salvation and that I had been deceiving myself with self-control. I came to understand why practitioners still need reminders like the Minghui editorial “Flattery and Demonic Interference from One’s Own Mind” at this end time. If one doesn’t cultivate away one’s fundamental attachments, it’s extremely dangerous, as one will lose vigilance, go astray, and run into problems. If you don’t cultivate your heart, you will fool no one but yourself. 

I asked myself, can a Dafa disciple return to their true home with Master harboring resentment, hatred, or any other human notions? So I tried my best to reject the obsession with fame, profit, and emotion in my heart. I carefully searched for and recalled the resentment and hatred that had developed in my heart and made up my mind to truly let go of resentment toward anyone, and truly love my “enemy.” 

After a period of searching inward and adjusting my state, I received Master’s strengthening and help. I felt that a stubborn “wall” that had hindered my improvement was knocked down. I felt reborn.

I then encountered a test. A project I’d coordinated for several departments was completed successfully a few days ago. However, instead of a happy ending, a collaborator from another department sent an email criticizing me intensely and copied the email to other people. My first reaction was to feel upset and I had negative thoughts about that person. Immediately afterward, I realized that this was a test, so I quickly adjusted my state and handled the matter properly, as a cultivator. 

This experience showed me that realizing something doesn’t mean doing it. It requires continuous rejection of these attachments in my ongoing cultivation. Fortunately, I feel that I have finally dug out the root that hinders my cultivation, that is, “ego” and its associated attachments to fame, profit, and emotion. I am exposing it here, and at the same time I hope that I will not slack in my future cultivation.