My Understanding of Resentment

(Minghui.org) For a long time, I felt that I had resentment; it was sometimes strong and sometimes weak. When the resentment was strong, my mood fluctuated greatly, my heart sped up, and the volume of my voice increased. I would argue with people, and I had to fight to prove that I was right and the other party was wrong. When my resentment was very strong, I also felt that hateful substances were formed within my spatial field. They then gradually increased in density, spreading out to the surrounding areas of my field, causing great pressure and even pain to the people around me. When the resentment was weak, I complained, blamed, and whined. Even if I didn’t say anything, I felt unhappy, muttered, sulked, and even despised people, thinking that someone was stupid, unreasonable, or too extreme.

Take a situation with someone close to me as an example. My daughter, a fellow practitioner, has always procrastinated and been slow in doing things since she was a child. So I held a grudge against her in this regard. Perhaps it was due to my impatient personality and the vigorous way I work. I felt uncomfortable when I saw her dawdling. Some time ago, we had to move, and it took us some effort to schedule an appointment to see a suitable apartment. However, due to my daughter’s procrastination, we missed the appointment, and the real estate agent was not willing to go back for us to look at the apartment. I complained to my daughter, “Look at you, you’re so slow! It’s all your fault!”

A few days later, we had to catch a bus, and because it was a weekend, the buses came at longer intervals. I got ready early and stood at the door waiting for my daughter, but she just couldn’t get out the door. After she came out, we ran all the way to the bus stop, only to see the bus driving away. My resentment exploded, and I blurted out, “I’m tired of living with you!” But as soon as those words came out, I knew I was wrong because I saw my daughter’s hurt expression.

Recently, through seriously studying of the Fa, I realized that I was using my own standards to make demands on others and using my own notions to measure others. And when what they said and did didn’t conform to my standards or notions, I became resentful. But why would I make demands on others and measure them in this way?

After reviewing Master’s article “Buddha Nature” in Zhuan Falun Volume II, I gained some insights: My impatience is a reflection of my temperament, which was actually formed by acquired notions. This kind of temperament, coupled with being indoctrinated with modern ways of thinking during my education, led me to believe that everything must have goals, methods, and maximized efficiency. Therefore, in my own life and work, I held myself to this standard. When I did well, I became complacent and beamed with joy; when I did poorly, I felt dejected and silently blamed myself. This was measuring right and wrong from an ordinary person’s perspective.

When I used my own standards and concepts to demand and measure others, my starting point was a deeply hidden selfishness. If what other people said and did conform to my standards and notions, I was happy and took it for granted because my interests were safeguarded and my preferences satisfied; if others did not conform to my standards and notions, I developed resentment and various negative emotions, because my interests were affected and my deep-rooted notions were challenged. This resentment has fully exposed some big loopholes in my cultivation.

Master Li said,

“The only criterion with which to judge what is good and bad is the special property of the universe, the Fa. It will never change, it is the truth of the universe, and it is the single criterion by which good and bad are to be determined.” (“No Demonstrations When Saving People and Teaching Fa” in Zhuan Falun Volume II)

Master’s teachings have been very clear. From now on, when I interact with others, I must measure good and bad according to the standard of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, the supreme characteristic of the universe. For example, if my daughter has a slow temperament, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. From another perspective, this characteristic of hers may be a sign of composure and may play a significant role in certain situations.

Besides, wasn’t it my daughter’s behavior that revealed my resentment? Doesn’t it show that I failed to be kind and tolerant? Isn’t she helping me to improve? In fact, my daughter is very diligent in doing the three things, and she is a good fellow practitioner.

I now realize that all the people and things I encounter are actually helping me to cultivate, and it's up to me to realize this. Thank you, Master!