Firming up My Resolve to Cultivate After I was Persecuted

(Minghui.org) Because I had strong human attachments, I went against my conscience and wrote something that a practitioner should not. There are no words to describe my regret. From the bottom of my heart, I knew that Master Li Hongzhi did not give up on me, but I really couldn’t forgive myself. I felt that I let him down, and that I was no longer worthy of practicing Falun Dafa.

The other practitioners suggested I submit a “Solemn Declaration” stating that my guarantee statement (promising to stop practicing) was void, but I hesitated. I thought I needed to think about whether I should continue practicing Falun Dafa. The persecution I experienced was still vivid, and I felt that if I was persecuted again, I would really not be able to persevere any longer (a thought imposed on me by the old forces). But whenever I thought of leaving Dafa, I felt heartbroken.

Master knew I was suffering and kept enlightening me. During that time, I saw Master’s Fashen (law bodies) everywhere I went. As soon as I opened my eyes each morning, I saw Master’s image. I wept every time I saw him. I knew in my heart that he had not given up on me and wanted me to come back.

I started reciting Zhuan Falun. Master said:

“As a human being, you are a good person only if you can follow this universe’s characteristic of Zhen-Shan-Ren. A person who deviates from this characteristic is truly a bad person.” (Lecture One, Zhuan Falun)

I came to understand that regardless of whether I practiced Dafa or not, as a human being, I should follow the universe’s characteristic of Zhen-Shan-Ren. Where else could I go? I must practice Dafa! I must practice to the end even if I am persecuted again. I then wrote my Solemn Declaration to declare the guarantee statement I signed to be null and void.

Memorizing Zhuan Falun

My attachment to fear was very strong. I sometimes trembled with fear when I sat down, as if I was about to be tortured again. I often felt scared and helpless. I didn’t know what to do. I was so upset that I cried. However, when I looked up, I saw a book in front of me entitled “Don’t Be Afraid of Studying.” I understood that Master was giving me a hint to study the Fa more.

There were negative beings within my dimensional field, and I was in a constant state of extreme vulnerability. Master sent a thought to my mind, “You can make it through with the guidance of the Fa.” I understood that I needed to get the Fa into my head, so I began to memorize Zhuan Falun.

I started by memorizing each paragraph without reviewing it. If a paragraph was long, I divided it into several shorter sections and memorized them. I was not attached to time. Once I finished memorizing one paragraph, I went to the next one. I sometimes had trouble connecting the paragraphs, so I wrote the beginning of a paragraph on my wrist with a water-based pen. This way, whether I was working or had to go out, I could take a look if I forgot.

I experienced many things during the process of memorizing the Fa. My head ached and felt bloated. I felt confused and nauseous. Sometimes, I felt my head become very big. Other times, it felt like something heavy was pressing on my head. My headache was often so intense that I felt my head was splitting open.

I felt I really couldn’t continue at times, and my brain felt like it was filled with paste. I began to get very sleepy and lay down. After waking up, all the discomfort was gone. I never thought of giving up memorizing Zhuan Falun. The discomfort lasted for a long time and then eventually disappeared.

When I began memorizing the Fa, there were so many dark substances, and I felt that my dimensional field was covered by them. While I was reciting the Fa, the black substance above my head cracked open, and a beam of light shown through. The gap kept widening, the light grew stronger, and the bad things disintegrated.

Master also constantly pointed out to me the things I did that were not aligned with the Fa’s principles. For example, when I was memorizing the first lecture of Zhuan Falun, I couldn’t memorize the first paragraph. I found it strange since I hadn’t heard of any practitioner who could not memorize the first paragraph.

I had already memorized Lecture Nine very well, but I just couldn’t memorize the first paragraph of Lecture One. What was wrong? When I looked inward, I realized that Master was giving me a hint. He was trying to tell me I needed to go out to clarify the truth. After I understood this, I was able to memorize the first paragraph.

I felt happy and relaxed when I finished memorizing the book. But this complacency was soon taken advantage of, and my cultivation state suddenly deteriorated. I discovered my selfish thought of taking advantage of Dafa. That is, if I memorized the Fa, I would be able to walk smoothly on my path of cultivation. In fact, I was using Dafa as a protective umbrella. When I realized this, I broke out in a cold sweat. I understood that only by truly cultivating and following the Fa can we follow the right path of cultivation.

Finding the Root Problem

After such a big fall, I wondered what kind of human attachment caused me to be persecuted. I looked inward and found that I had resentment, a fighting mentality, jealousy, a desire to show off, and lust. I didn’t want to be blamed or criticized. I was selfish and wanted to be comfortable, etc. I was also filled with the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) culture.

But it wasn’t until I wrote this sharing that I realized there was another thought that seriously hindered my cultivation. I believed that I must cultivate myself well, first, before I could validate the Fa and save sentient beings.

The thought of “I must cultivate well” included how much Fa I studied, how many times I sent righteous thoughts, and how many times I went out to clarify the truth. Behind this thought, another attachment arose, which was that I treated my own standards as the standards of the Fa. For example, I felt that I met the standard if I studied a certain amount of the Fa. If I did not reach the standard I set for myself, I felt anxious.

I just could not understand why my situation sometimes got worse, even though I thought I had already let go of many of my attachments.

I took care of my sick mother-in-law since I was 29 years old, but she never thanked me. Her eldest son and his wife seldom visited her, and provided no financial support.

My husband had an affair and physically abused me for nearly two years. For two years, my mother-in-law cried almost around the clock unless she was either asleep or eating. She sometimes smeared feces all over herself, and was covered in bedsores. When she needed to relieve herself, I held out a piece of toilet paper to collect her waste. There were also instances when I couldn’t fetch the paper in time. Despite this, my in-law’s family continued to openly express their dissatisfaction with me.

I looked inward and found a lot of attachments. After I had taken care of my mother-in-law for more than ten years, my husband had another affair. I kept saying, “I wouldn’t have done this if I didn’t practice Dafa.” But my husband still scolded me, saying it was my duty to serve my mother-in-law. Why?

I finally saw the root problem, which was that my cultivation was conditional. There were conditions for me to validate the Fa and save people. As I mentioned, the condition was that I must cultivate well first. I did not think about it from the perspective of sentient beings. I was selfish.

I mistakenly thought that as long as I behaved well, sentient beings would see how good practitioners are and this would play a role in validating the Fa. But I did not pay attention to clarifying the truth and clearing out people’s bad thoughts—so my relatives and friends thought Falun Dafa practitioners were political and anti-CCP.

It turned out that after many years of cultivating, I was still wandering around in personal cultivation, thinking I had done the three things, and that I was saving sentient beings. In fact, many times, I didn’t even meet the standard for personal cultivation. When something happened, my first thought was about myself, and I didn’t even realize it.

When I thought about saving people, the first thing that came to my mind was whether I would be persecuted again if I kept truth-clarifying materials at home, instead of thinking about saving people.

After I was released from prison, I had to deal with my family’s negative opinions of Falun Dafa. My first thought was that I needed to be firm in my cultivation, instead of taking the opportunity to clarify the truth to my family. When I was imprisoned and tortured, although I thought about not allowing my persecutors to commit crimes against Dafa, I also thought about how I could end the persecution and go home.

My fundamental problem was that my thoughts were driven by selfishness, and were impure, which resulted in my complicated situation.

We are now at the end of the Fa-rectification. After I realized the seriousness of the problem and saw my own shortcomings, I felt very sad and regretful.

I can now recite one lecture of Zhuan Falun every day. The memorization was relatively slow, but I did not pay attention to speed. When I have more time, I also read Master’s new lectures. While I do household chores, I listen to Minghui radio broadcasts about practitioners’ experiences. I also listen to the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party, Disintegrating Communist Party Culture, The Ultimate Goal of Communism, etc. I now feel fulfilled and that I’m assimilating to the Fa.

A Final Word

It took me four days to write this, and I wept as I wrote. I know it was Master’s mighty grace, compassion, and suffering that enabled me to return to the path of cultivation.

Master does not give up on his disciples. He cleansed my body and encouraged me to believe I could make it through anything, as long as I relied on the Fa. Master also helped me to memorize the Fa and regain my confidence in cultivation.

Master, please rest assured that, as a Dafa disciple, I will definitely cultivate diligently, do the three things well, and save more sentient beings.

Thank you Master! Thank you fellow practitioners!