I Resumed Practicing Falun Dafa After Losing My Way

(Minghui.org) I began practicing Falun Dafa with my mother 25 years ago when I was young. When I grew up, I became entangled in human desires and emotions and I strayed from Dafa’s teachings. I eagerly pursued worldly interests, and got hurt by the person I loved. For a long time, I couldn’t escape my negative thoughts and I wanted to end my life. Just at that moment, the words Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance flashed through my mind and, with this one thought, Master helped me get back on track. I cannot thank Master enough for not giving up on me, and saving my life once again. I’d like to tell you about my experiences.

Learning Falun Dafa

When I was a child I didn’t know what it felt like to be healthy. Every month I had to visit the hospital and get shots and take various medicines. But after I began accompanying my mother to a Falun Dafa practice site, learned the exercises and read the teachings, miracles happened. As soon as I got home that first day, I felt better and told my mother that I didn’t need my medicine. A month later on my way home from the practice site, I felt nauseous and threw up. There was a strong taste in my mouth of all the medicines I used to take and I knew Master was purifying my body. After that, all my illnesses disappeared.

When I read Zhuan Falun, all the characters were surrounded by a golden background. I thought the book was printed that way. I’d get up before dawn and walk to the practice site, when everything was quiet. I’d be upset if I overslept and missed the exercises. The time I exercised and studied with other practitioners still makes me feel happy and blessed, although it seems so distant now. Had I known that those days would soon end, I wouldn’t have slacked off when I copied the words down from Zhuan Falun, nor would I have wriggled and looked around when I did the exercises.

When the persecution started, I heard people on television purposely misinterpreting what Master said, and defaming Master and Falun Dafa. I knew how evil they were, so I went to the local government with my family to speak up for Falun Dafa. There was a long line of practitioners, and we sat quietly along the street. The police came to move us, and it started raining heavily. I was pushed into a large bus and separated from my family and friends. I didn’t know where they were taking us or what would happen, but I wasn’t frightened. I recited Master’s words,

“Live with no pursuit,Die not caring about staying;Clear out all wild thoughts,Cultivating to a Buddha is not hard.” (“Nonexistence,” Hong Yin)

A disciple who has faith in Master and the Fa, despite being young, fears nothing.

The environment changed after our protest. Practitioners made many banners, which looked golden and dazzling. I can still remember their faces; they looked determined and fearless and their only thought was to restore the reputation of Falun Dafa. Many of these practitioners were later arrested and their books were confiscated. It was a dark time.

Getting Lost and Returning Home

Because of the persecution, I had to live with one relative after another. I lost my cultivation environment as well as my Dafa books. Gradually my curiosity was aroused by the degenerative trends in modern society. The content in everyday books, movies, and television programs was pulling me further away from Dafa. Fa study became infrequent as school work piled up. I even tried to avoid Fa study, thinking that if I studied the Fa, I would be given cultivation tests and have tribulations. I told Master that I was too busy to pass the tests, and that they should wait until I grew up.

When I went to college I met a young man. I felt I already knew him, and for some reason it made me want to cry. I let my human notions and emotions take over and control me. I did things that I shouldn’t do and I felt ashamed, but I kept doing it with the excuse that everyone else was doing it.

We got married, but I didn’t clarify the truth to my husband or my in-laws, and they continued to believe the Chinese Communist Party’s propaganda that slandered Falun Dafa. My mother-in-law treated me badly, even when I was pregnant. I had severe hemorrhaging when I gave birth. She continued targeting me and everyone in my husband’s family sided with her. I felt terribly wronged, and my resentment became so overwhelming that I could barely breathe.

When I fainted due to severe hemorrhage, in another dimension, scenes from my childhood flashed through my mind—when I was a young practitioner. It was a happy, pure and joyous time, without the suffocating human emotion. After I woke up, I realized that my pain came from the emotions that I couldn’t let go of. Both my mental and physical health were in a very bad state. Life seemed so bitter and exhausting, and I couldn’t see a way through it all. My negative thoughts got the better of me. If I hadn’t remembered that Master said a practitioner should not commit suicide, I would have.

My husband suggested we get divorced and I agreed, feeling it was the only way to stop myself from drowning emotionally. The day we signed the divorce papers, I realized that he didn’t care for me. He was calculative about the child support and dishonest about how much property he owned. It infuriated me. I wanted to get revenge and make him pay a big price.

I felt completely drained by my hatred for him. I was in despair, trying to figure out what to do. All of a sudden I remembered, “Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance is what to do.” The thought shook me, as though a ray of light suddenly illuminated me, and I was happy! The feeling was beyond words. I didn’t even know why I felt so happy—it was as if I wasn’t the only being who felt happy, but many other beings also felt happy for me. I found the missing part of me and reconnected with my true nature. Master didn’t give up on me, and patiently waited for me to return.

Happy to Suffer

Reflecting on our divorce, I looked within and realized that my fight for child support came from my attachment to my child and my feelings of insecurity about the future. As a practitioner, Master has arranged my future, as well as that of my child. I knew that I needed to let go of the fear that my child may suffer. When I was little, my family was poor because of the persecution. My mother struggled every time she had to pay school fees. Once I saw her pick up the leaves thrown away by the vegetable vendors and cook them. She didn’t let it bother her, and neither did I, as we knew that Master was looking after us.

I decided to trust my husband, who said that he had no money because he was in debt. I couldn’t force him to give me what wasn’t mine, and if he lied to me, then he’d give me virtue. I told him that I didn’t want a cent from him, and he could pay however much he wanted. He seemed relieved and said that I was a good person. He increased the amount of child support and the divorce went smoothly.

I did things I wasn’t proud of, and deviated from the Fa after I met my husband. My degraded behavior came from human emotions, which were based on selfishness: I loved him if he was good to me, and hated him when he wasn’t. People say that love is romantic, but I feel that it is more like a slimy, smelly substance that blocks people from their serenity. We often see stories in books, movies or on television where a bossy CEO falls in love with a good girl, or a good girl does something special to move and change a bad boy. These stories are not about being kind, but about satisfying people’s attachments.

When I was little, I used to think that cultivation was easy. I had no problem meditating for hours with my legs double crossed. I was happy to just study the Fa and do the exercises.

Now that I decided to return to cultivation, I just couldn’t empty my mind when I meditated. There was so much noise and so many thoughts tumbling about in my head. I started keeping a pen and piece of paper next to me when I meditated. When a thought or scene emerged, I’d write it down, figure out what attachment was causing it, and try to eliminate it. The thoughts kept coming back, and I had to stay rational and continue to suppress them. After a while, I was able to calm down and meditate.

I sometimes felt confused about why I had to practice the principles of Truthfulness, Compassion and Forbearance, rather than the principle of “an eye for an eye”? After studying the Fa, I knew that I am made of Truthfulness, Compassion and Forbearance, and to return to my true nature means that I have to practice these principles—there is no other way. I am a particle of the Fa and the purpose of my existence is to assimilate to the Fa.

Because I hadn’t practiced for years, I did not know that Master published many articles, I didn’t know what other practitioners were doing, or if people were still practicing. I remembered years ago a practitioner taught me how to get on the Minghui website and I thought I’d try again. After a few tries I finally got on Minghui. I saw Master’s photo, and read that so many practitioners were working hard to progress in cultivation and end the persecution. Tears ran down my face, “I’m finally home, and how wonderful that my home is still here.”

I eagerly began to read Master’s new articles. As soon as I started, a voice came into my head cursing Master and the Fa. I was a little surprised, but continued reading because I missed Master and the Fa so much. The voice disappeared after I’d read a few articles. I know now that the voice was thought karma.

Master protected me with every step I took to return to the Fa. When I did well, I could see a big celestial eye, dazzling light, Falun, and celestial maidens. They reminded me of the beauty of Falun Dafa I once knew. When I failed to do well, Master reminded me of my mistakes. Sometimes I could see the generation of a thought in slow motion, which allowed me to correct it based on the Fa.

Later I had a test at work when my supervisor began to pick on me and criticize me in front of his supervisor. I realized that I wanted to save face, be the best, and show others what to do. I had no sympathy and I did not want to criticized. I was competitive. Even though I wasn’t sure what to do, I was determined to improve and not shy away from conflicts. I even felt excited when I sensed that my supervisor was about to give me a hard time. Before going into his office, I reminded myself that this would be a test, so I must keep calm and eliminate my attachment. This happened many times and each time I gained a new understanding of the Fa.

I was later transferred to another area. Perhaps I passed the test, so it was time to move to a new place with new tests waiting for me.

Thank you Master for allowing me to return to the Fa, and thank you to my fellow practitioners who helped me in the process. I will strive to move forward and do the three things well.