[Celebrating World Falun Dafa Day] My Convoluted Cultivation Journey

(Minghui.org) I was born in a poor rural area and only attended school until the second grade. I had little education, so I placed all my hopes on my two daughters. If my children made the same mistake twice, I beat them. They were terrified of me. When my eldest daughter accidentally broke a bowl, my younger daughter was terrified and cried.

In May 1998, because I had no money to treat my illness, I started practicing Falun Dafa. After practicing, my health improved, and I could read the main text of Falun Dafa, Zhuan Falun  and other Falun Dafa books.

By practicing Falun Dafa, and I learned to be a good person by following Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. Master also taught us how to educate our children. I never hit them again. When they misbehaved, I used the Fa principles to reason with them, and they listened and did well in their studies without causing me any worries.

Shortly after I started practicing, in July 1999, the former Chinese Communist Party (CCP) leader began slandering and persecuting Falun Dafa. My determination to practice remained unshaken: why not allow people to learn such a good practice? Is it a crime to be a good person? I insisted on practicing because Falun Dafa brought me a happy family and good health. I told those deceived by the CCP that Falun Dafa is a righteous practice, and the CCP is spreading lies.

When the persecution was most severe, I distributed materials, hung banners, and posted stickers. In 2004, I started to talk to people the facts of Falun Dafa face-to-face.

All my coworkers, relatives, friends, and siblings know I practice Falun Dafa. Through my practice, many of them understood the facts about Falun Dafa and the persecution and withdrew from the CCP and its affiliated organizations. However, some asked, “Why do you keep going out to distribute information about Falun Dafa?” Others advised me, “Don’t talk to people about this. You will be reported and arrested.”

I remained steadfast. I often told my children, “You must study hard so that our relatives won’t say that my practice of Falun Dafa hindered you.” My daughters usually brought their classmates home so I could tell them the truth. Many of their classmates understood and also withdrew from the Young Pioneers (a junior branch of the CCP).

There were times when I didn’t do well. For a long time, I thought doing the three things well was cultivation. I read the Fa but I didn’t truly cultivate myself and did not look within to improve my character.

I am Persecuted

On May 25, 2012, seven other practitioners and I went to the countryside to distribute Shen Yun DVDs and clarify the truth. Some good people told us we were reported and should leave, but we didn’t take it seriously. We were arrested and taken to the police station and later sent to a detention center. 

In the detention center, I refused to wear the prison uniform, so the inmates beat me and pulled out my hair. I shouted, “Falun Dafa is good! Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good!” They covered me with a quilt until the guards came and stopped them.

The guard asked, “Why don’t you wear the uniform?” I said, “I haven’t committed a crime.” She asked, “You are stubborn. Can you educate your children well like this?” I replied, “I educate them with the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. My children are very obedient, and they do well at school and home.” She didn’t say anything and left. They stopped trying to force me to wear the prison uniform.

I was sentenced to three years. I thought, “If I can’t go out, I will cultivate and save people here so they will know Falun Dafa is good.” I helped others whenever I could and treated everyone with compassion. The inmates were kind to me and said practitioners were good people.

One day they asked me, “Other Falun Dafa practitioners here do the exercises, why don’t you?” So, I started doing the exercises. One day, while doing the exercises, I heard someone say, “What is she doing?” I opened my eyes and saw the head of the facility. I replied, “I’m practicing.” She asked, “Who allowed you to practice?” I said, “Wherever I am, I will practice.” I continued, “If the inmates here followed Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, you wouldn’t have to worry.” She smiled and left. The inmates gave me a thumbs-up and said, “We’ll follow you.”

In the autumn of that year, I was transferred to Heilongjiang Women’s Prison. I was made to sit on a small stool and watch videos that slandered Falun Dafa every day. I told the inmates the truth and explained that these videos were full of lies. They didn’t listen and said, “You sit here. If you don’t transform, you won’t see your family and you won’t go back. The 610 Office will send you to a transformation class.”

I sat for eight days, and my back couldn’t stay straight. All kinds of attachments and negative thoughts emerged, and I lost my righteous thoughts. Eventually I didn’t want to endure the pain, and said I would stop practicing. I felt very sad and cried, thinking that all my years of cultivation had been in vain and that I betrayed Master. I felt too ashamed.

Three years later, I returned home, and many fellow practitioners came to see me. I told them that while I knew Falun Dafa was good, I felt too ashamed to face Master and continue practicing. My younger daughter asked, “Mom, are you going to keep practicing?” I said, “No.” She listened to me and said that she would stop practicing as well.

During the three years I was incarcerated, my older daughter was very diligent in her practice. She tried to discuss Falun Dafa with me many times, but I refused and said I wouldn’t practice anymore. One day, she told me, “Mom, you can’t give up cultivation. Your illnesses were cured, and our family wouldn’t be where it is today without the founder’s guidance.” Even though I didn’t want to give up, I felt too ashamed to face Master and I didn’t want to listen.

I Resume Practicing

Seeing that I was giving up, my elder daughter appealed to me. Master hadn’t given up on me, an unworthy disciple, and was still giving me opportunities. The other practitioners encouraged me to resume practicing. I decided to start practicing again, determined to cultivate myself well and not let Master worry about me anymore.

I resumed reading the Fa, and through extensive study and memorization, I gained a deeper understanding of the principles.

Master said, 

“If after going through this ordeal some students are still not clearheaded, then they will miss [the opportunities presented in] all of this. Only when you follow Master’s requirements are you validating the Fa and cultivating yourself as a Dafa disciple, and only then are you a true Dafa disciple.” (“ Be Clearheaded,” The Essentials of Diligent Progress III)

I realized that I was merely going through the motions in the past, thinking that if I did the three things well, I could return home with Master. I only cultivated superficially, but did not eliminate my human attachments. A Falun Dafa disciple must truly cultivate well to validate the practice because people will only say Falun Dafa is good if they see that you have done well.

I felt deeply guilty because my younger daughter gave up practicing when I stopped. My failure led to her misunderstanding of Falun Dafa.

Master said, 

“Someone may say, “I’ll earn some more money to settle my family down well so I won’t have to worry about anything. Afterward, I’ll cultivate.” I would say that this is your wishful thinking. You are unable to interfere with the lives of others, and neither can you control others’ fates, including those of your wife, sons, daughters, parents, or brothers. Can you decide those things? Furthermore, how will you cultivate if you do not have any worries or troubles? How can you do the exercises comfortably and restfully? How can there be such a thing? That is what you think from the perspective of everyday people.” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)

After reading this teaching, I realized I needed to let go of all these attachments because Master always watches my heart.

My Deeply Hidden Attachments are Exposed

On January 20, 2023, Master published a new article, How the Humankind Came to Be. I thought how wonderful it would be if my younger daughter could resume cultivation. With this wish, Master helped me. One day, my daughter, who studied abroad, suddenly told me she was coming home for a visit. I was thrilled, but my excitement soon turned into an attachment. A few days later, she said she wasn’t coming back. I looked within and realized that I was too attached to her. Everything is under Master’s control, and I shouldn’t worry too much. After some time, my daughter told me she was coming.

The day my daughter was supposed to return, it snowed heavily in her country, and her flight couldn’t take off. She managed to get another flight and came home, but her luggage was lost, and the insurance company called her to claima loss. My daughter was upset because all her important belongings were in that luggage. I told her, “Don’t worry, If it belongs to you, it won’t be lost.” A few days later, she happily told me that her luggage had been found. I said, “Thank Master! It was Master who helped you find it.” She quickly thanked Master.

My daughter loves outdoor sports, and when she returned home, she planned a family skiing trip. Although I didn’t know how to ski, I enjoyed watching them ski and recording videos, feeling happy and immersed in our family’s joy.

One morning, I watched their skiing videos on my phone and couldn’t stop. I watched it even while using the bathroom. Even though I knew it wasn’t right, I continued watching for a while. Later, I discovered that the drain was clogged.

At that moment, I started to look within and realized I spent too much time on my phone. I also felt that maybe it was a hint to broaden my mind. As soon as I thought this, my daughter said the drain was fine.

After my daughter’s luggage arrived, she took out two purses and said one was for me and the other for her elder sister. She wanted to let her sister choose first. I saw that the small one was nice and thought about taking it myself. My daughter insisted that her sister choose first. I felt a bit upset but soon understood that, as a practitioner, I should not be attached to these things.

However, when my older daughter saw the two purses, she said she wanted both purses and refused to give me one even her sister asked her to give me one. My attachment surfaced, and I thought, “Why is this child so greedy?”

Even though I knew I couldn’t improve without being tested, I was upset and thought my older daughter was too much! Tears of frustration welled up uncontrollably. I told myself that the attachment was not me and I didn’t want it. I remembered the teachings where Master mentioned Shakyamuni’s disciples being attached to their begging bowls. I thought, “Why am I attached to small things? Master was enlightening me to let go and broaden my heart.”

Another test came soon as I didn’t handle it well. A practitioner came to visit me. When she was leaving, I took a bag of chocolates my younger daughter prepared to give to someone else and gave it to the practitioner. My daughter got angry, saying I took her things without asking and that she already planned to give them to someone else. My attachment resurfaced, and I couldn’t control it, thinking, what’s wrong with my two daughters? I couldn’t hold back my tears and started crying loudly.

Afterwards, I calmed down and thought, “Hadn’t Master asked me to broaden my heart? When it came time to let go of my attachment, I failed to handle it well.” I felt ashamed that I did not follow Master’s guidance. I realized that I must eliminate these negative thoughts and attachments. As soon as I realized my fault, my younger daughter apologized to me. She said, “Mom, don’t cry! I was wrong; I was too petty.” I replied, “It was my fault for giving away your things without asking.” All issues were resolved by looking within and eliminating my resentment, and this day’s tribulation passed.

That night, I looked within again and realized I hadn’t been handling things well recently. I remembered another thing that I had not done well. One day, my older daughter asked me to pick up my grandson from school. When I arrived, I saw my daughter’s mother-in-law was there. My grandson ran straight to her without looking at me. I tried to talk to him, but he quickly ran off. I felt hurt, and wondered why my daughter asked me to come if her mother-in-law was picking him up.

Frustrated, I called my older daughter to complain, “Why did you ask me to pick him up if your mother-in-law was going?” She replied that she didn’t know and it was a misunderstanding. I said, “Next time, communicate better before asking me to come. My time is valuable, too.” My older daughter was upset and said, “I won’t ask you to help anymore.” I felt even more wronged and said with resentment, “Fine, I won’t come to your house anymore.”

I knew these feelings weren’t my true self, but I couldn’t suppress them. I read an article in Minghui Weekly about eliminating resentment, which resonated deeply with me. I realized it was my fault; I should consider others and not be self-centered. I wanted to apologize to my daughter. Just then, my phone rang. My daughter’s message said, “Mom, I’m sorry. Today, I was in a bad mood and said things I shouldn’t have. Don’t take it to heart, don’t cry. It was my fault; I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.”

I replied, “It’s not that you were wrong, it’s that as a mother, I didn’t do well. I should unconditionally consider others. I didn’t consider your feelings. You worked hard all day, yet I complained about you. I’m sorry, I let you down.”

In the past, if my daughters made me angry, they had to apologize before I could feel better. Now, when I’m faced with issues, I look within. Although I haven’t handled every test well, I can control myself better. My younger daughter said, “Mom, you’re different now, you’ve changed a lot.” I said, “It’s because I practice Falun Dafa that I can do this.”

I told my younger daughter, “Mom was looking forward to your return, just so you could read Master’s new article.” After reading it, she was deeply moved. She said her visiting me wasn’t coincidental. She helped her friend quit the CCP when she visited her. Later, she joined us in studying the Fa and doing the exercises. I’m grateful for Master’s compassionate arrangements to help my daughter resume cultivation.

As Falun Dafa Day approaches, I want to thank compassionate and great Master for his hard work! I’m sharing my insights from cultivation with fellow practitioners and I want to tell everyone: Falun Dafa is good! Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good!

(Selected submission in celebration of World Falun Dafa Day on Minghui.org)