Digging Out My Deeply Hidden Hatred

(Minghui.org) In my 20 years of cultivation practice, I tried to remove my attachment to anger and resentment, but I couldn’t find the root of the problem—it was deeply hidden.

I reflected on what caused me to lose my temper. Sometimes the smallest thing triggered irritation and resentment, and my behavior upset those around me. For years I’ve searched for the source of my anger and resentment. The journey has been tough and exhausting, but I didn’t give up.

When I was at my mother’s house one day, I mentioned that as a retiree, I only received a three percent cost of living increase in my pension, which I thought was a bit low. My older sister said, “Mei (our younger sister, pseudonym) said that retirees should be grateful for any raise, as their pensions come from current employees’ contributions.”

I felt it was jealousy that prompted Mei’s remarks, and I immediately became upset. I responded in a harsh tone, “Mei shouldn’t say such things. She’ll be retiring in a couple of years, won’t her pension also be funded by others’ contributions? In fact, our pension comes from our own contributions, not someone else’s.”

I was angry because I believed Mei was jealous when she made that comment. Jealousy, to me, is the root cause of moral decline, which is why I dislike it in others.

However, this time I realized that it was only my perception. I jumped to conclusions based on my assumptions. It’s a bad habit of mine--always thinking that what I believe or think is a fact. I did it again this time, assuming Mei was jealous, but that wasn’t the case. I hurt many people because of this habit. Now that I see I have an attachment, I’m determined to identify and remove it.

I began to examine myself to see why I got so angry. I realized that I harbored hatred and it was there for so long that it became a habit. This hatred made me irrational when things went wrong, causing me to get angry and lose my temper for no reason. It filled me with resentment, indignation, and anger, and made me say hurtful things to others.

Where did this hatred come from? As The Ultimate Goal of Communism, published by the editorial team of the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party, explains it,

“The essence of communism is that it is a ‘specter.’ It is composed of hatred and various degenerated substances from the lowest planes of the universe. It has a deep hatred for human beings and wants to destroy ..." (https://www.theepochtimes.com/article/chapter-one-the-central-kingdom-divinely-imparted-culture-3236548)

No wonder hatred causes people to lose their temper and become irrational and act like demons.

I dug deeper within myself to uncover the root of my hatred. I realized that because I grew up under the influence of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), I was brainwashed by it’s theory of struggle. This theory, characterized by a lack of morality and a culture of mutual suspicion, gradually poisoned my heart with the Party’s toxins, and instilled hatred in me.

It made me irrational and unkind, quick to lose my temper when things didn’t go my way, leading me to have conflicts with others—I harmed others and in turn they harmed me. It was an endless cycle of cause and effect.

This led me to reflect on the first half of my life. From childhood to adulthood, whether at school or work, within my family or among strangers, anyone who hurt, tricked, humiliated, or offended me in any way ignited a deep sense of indignation in me, and my hatred flared up.

It was always accompanied by a desire for revenge, hoping that those who offended me would face retribution, feeding my sense of schadenfreude [finding joy in others misfortune]. Once hatred took hold in my heart, I viewed those people as my enemies, and my resentment, anger, and indignation reached an extreme level.

Today, I realized the danger of this hatred—which together with the degenerated substances from the lowest planes of the universe, forms the nature of the evil specter, whose ultimate goal is the destruction of mankind. It’s terrifying; how can I allow this evil to control me?

Recognizing it today is the first step to removing it. I absolutely refuse to let it control and my life. I must completely eliminate it.

When I think about the people and events that once upset me, I no longer feel angry. Those feelings drifted away like a breeze, leaving me calm and unaffected—my hatred is gone.

Cultivation involves letting go of human attachments, improving oneself, and eliminating improper thoughts, so as to fully align one’s words and actions with Dafa. Only by assimilating to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance and following Master’s guidance can one fulfill ones prehistoric vows!