(Minghui.org) I was born into a family of Falun Dafa practitioners in Northeast China. Although I learned the Fa (teaching and principles of cultivation practice) at a young age, I failed to cherish it, instead I became entangled in the pursuit of fame and fortune. Yet compassionate Master Li Hongzhi did not abandon this unworthy disciple, granting me another opportunity to cultivate. The boundless grace of the Fa is something I can never repay. I am recording my journey to bear witness to the preciousness of the Fa and the greatness of Master.
In 1996, I was 17 and in high school. I always pondered this question on my way to school: Everyone refers to themselves as “I”, and around each “I” unfolds each one’s own story. But who exactly is that “I”? I asked myself this countless times, yet the answer remained elusive.
One summer morning in 1998, my mother woke me up and asked me to go with her to practice Falun Dafa (also called Falun Gong). I did not know what Falun Dafa was, but I followed my mom to the group exercise site. Everything felt new and exciting! The environment was pure, and Dafa practitioners were sincere. The instructor kindly corrected my exercise movements over and over with great patience. That evening, I watched Master Li’s lecture video. I was stunned – Master’s teachings were so vast and so pure that they filled me with profound respect. I finally found the answer to my long-held question about who I was. I couldn’t wait to call my close friends and share this joy with them.
But soon, hardship arrived. When I tried to do the fifth exercise, a sitting meditation, I couldn’t double cross my legs, actually I couldn’t even do a single-leg cross. After sitting for just ten or fifteen minutes, the pain would start and my ankles, calves, knees, thighs, and hips all hurt. Fellow practitioners were puzzled: “You are not even crossing your legs, and it still hurts?”
Growing up spoiled, I had never endured hardship or developed a strong will. Because of the pain, I stopped trying. My mother, however, was completely different. She sat in the full lotus position from the very start of her practice. Her face would drip with sweat from the agony, and her legs would turn dark purple, yet no matter how intense the pain, she never relaxed her posture during the exercises.
Because I feared hardship and was overwhelmed by high school studies, I rarely joined the group exercises. My understanding of cultivation remained superficial. As a young girl, I was deeply drawn to fame, fortune, and romance, consumed by the pursuit of a bright future. I never truly committed to genuine cultivation.
When I entered college, I still read Dafa books, but I didn’t practice the exercises because so many people shared one dorm room. Still, I felt Master was watching over me. Every time I thought about the Fa or listened to Dafa lectures, my calves would begin to ache a little, similar to the pain I felt when meditating. The moment I stopped listening, the pain disappeared. My mother often called to encourage me. At that time, there were no cell phones, so I would use the public phone booth on the street to call her every week.
Once, Mom said, “I feel sad when you’re away. I’m afraid you’ll drift from the Fa without me by your side. But today, while reading Zhuan Falun, I saw a big tree and a small tree standing firm against the wind. I think the big tree is me, and the small one is you. You will study the Fa, won’t you?”
Another time, she told me joyfully, “I dreamed of you flying above your campus in a white dress.” Her words made me feel ashamed, so I picked up Zhuan Falun again and resumed reading.
One day in a phone booth, I saw a handwritten Falun Dafa flyer. Another time, I came across slogans spray-painted by fellow practitioners on an empty lot beside the road. Moments like these always stirred something in me. I wished I could connect with other practitioners so we could study the Fa together. But such thoughts were quickly overwhelmed by my pursuit of ordinary comfort, and I sank back into the worldly concerns of fame, fortune, and affection.
After the CCP-staged the “self-immolation” incident, I occasionally shared the truth about the persecution of Falun Gong in my dorm. I explained that Falun Gong forbids killing. My roommates gathered around to listen and asked many questions about the lies broadcast on TV. I answered them all. At the time, I felt that evil factors in the other dimension were extremely strong. I trembled as I spoke and my mouth, arms, and legs shook uncontrollably from fear. My whole body was cold, and my teeth chattered. I trembled for more than half an hour while talking to people about Dafa.
Another time, a teacher repeated in class the propaganda shown on TV about Falun Gong. I wanted to interrupt several times but was shaking with fear. Finally, I gathered my courage, raised my hand, and stated, “Most real time events, when filmed, appear shaky and blurry, with chaotic background voices; yet the footage of the Tiananmen self-immolation is crystal clear – featuring long shots, medium shots, wide angles, and even close-ups? Why does the footage look like it was professionally shot?”
The teacher looked at me in surprise, and my classmates also stared. The air froze, as if time had paused. The teacher thought for a moment, then said, “I don’t know much about Falun Gong, so I can’t make a judgement lightly.”
That was one of the few times during my college years when I spoke up for Dafa. I devoted almost all my energy to pursuing a comfortable life and earning money through part-time jobs, behaving no differently from ordinary people. Only during winter and summer breaks when I returned to my mother’s side, could I study the Fa and do the exercises more regularly. I joined her to distribute Dafa information materials. But as soon as I left home again, I slipped back to the life of an ordinary person. My heart for Dafa cultivation wavered, and I squandered precious time.
From 2004 to 2007, I worked at my first company, and opportunities to visit my mother became increasingly rare. Worried about me, she often spoke earnestly over the phone:“When I miss you, I tell myself not to worry about my child. I should turn all my longings into a blessing: May you obtain the Fa! Have you studied the Fa lately? You must read Dafa books! You must keep the Fa in your heart!”
Year after year, she tirelessly reminded me. Sometimes she sounded cheerful: “I sent righteous thoughts for you. Your energy field was covered in thick dust, but it is clean now.”
At other times mother sounded worried, repeating the same words: “When you first obtained the Fa, I had a dream. I saw many people beating drums and gongs as you were being carried on a red phoenix-carved palanquin. Everyone was overjoyed, celebrating as if it were a wedding. Do you know what that meant? It was the beings in your world celebrating that you had obtained the Fa, waiting to welcome you back! You must study the Fa now.”
Sometimes, when she opened the book Zhuan Falun at home, she would call out my name. Even though we were thousands of miles apart, she called out to me with her whole heart. How deeply she longed for her daughter to study the Fa together with her!
But I still couldn’t pull myself together. Every time Mom urged me, I would read the book for a few days, then drift away because I was busy making money, climbing the career ladder, dating, shopping, and partying. Mom was anxious, but Master was even more so. By day, Mom urged me to come home for holidays. At night, Master appeared in my dreams, warning me that the opportunity for cultivation was fleeting. I often dreamt of rushing home with bags and suitcases, chasing trains, subways, and buses. Just as the doors were about to close, I would have to turn back because I forgot something. Several times, I woke up in a panic.
Living alone far from home, I knew I had to return whenever possible, because home was my only lifeline to the Fa. On any holiday or vacation, as long as I wasn’t on a business trip, I bought tickets to go home. Holiday train tickets, especially during Chinese New Year, Labor Day, and National Day, were very hard to get. Many people had no choice but to buy overpriced tickets or standing-room only tickets. Strangely, I always managed to get a sleeper berth with almost no effort.
Upon arriving home, my mother would always hand me the latest issues of Minghui Weekly and other materials. Reading about the torture fellow practitioners suffered often brought tears to my eyes. She would also give me materials to distribute to people I met. Every time, I was amazed at how well the truth-clarifying projects were carried out in my hometown. Nearly every utility pole had posters with different messages, and very few were torn down. Many posters, weathered by sun and wind, still remained intact. Every residential community updated its Dafa information pamphlets year-round. It was clear how much effort fellow practitioners devoted. And I… I dared not think further, nor face my own heart.
Later, after reading Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party, I realized that the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) crimes far exceeded my imagination. Then came the wave of “Three Withdrawals” that served to help people quit the three communist organizations in China. Initially, people withdrew from the party and its associated organizations using their real names. After several days of consideration, I also withdrew using my real name. This alarmed the police. They harassed my father at his workplace. Multiple police cars arrived with sirens blaring, causing a major disturbance. The situation remained tense for several years, with my parents being harassed repeatedly.
In 2007, the police in my hometown again summoned me to explain my withdrawal. When I walked into the police station, I felt remarkably calm. I sensed that I should not be afraid, but instead feel proud to be a Falun Gong practitioner. I calmly explained the reasons and process behind my withdrawal. With Master’s protection and the righteous support of other practitioners, the matter was resolved without incident. I returned home safely and resumed my work at the company with renewed peace of mind.
Back then, I lived like a “two-faced person.” On the one hand, I spoke up for Dafa, while on the other, I indulged in greed and desire. But Master watched over me and prevented me from gaining anything through improper means in my pursuit of fame and profit. He kept me in check, ensuring I did not cross the line. Otherwise, retribution would strike immediately. As a result, I would rather cover losses with my own money than take the slightest advantage of the company.
Under my Master’s protection, my career advanced smoothly. My superiors trusted me, my colleagues were kind, and my friendships prospered. The only physical discomfort I had, stomach pain, disappeared completely after reciting “Falun Dafa is good, Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good” several times. For over a decade, I haven’t taken a single pill. The only accident I ever experienced was when a car nearly hit me, stopping just an arm’s length away. I escaped unharmed, without even time to feel afraid.
Later, I became deeply entangled in romantic feelings and was tormented by heartbreak. Miraculously, the moment I knelt by Master’s portrait, a surge of energy washed over my entire body from head to toe, washing away the pain. When I stood up, I felt it was merely an ordinary matter, something I could accept calmly. The profound shift in my mindset within just a few minutes astonished me.
From 2008 to 2010, my cultivation status deteriorated even further. At my lowest point, I read the Zhuan Falun book only once a month and practiced the exercises only once every two months. I felt I wasn’t merely “falling behind”, but that I had completely blended into ordinary society.
Master kept enlightening me, trying to wake me up. Countless times, I vividly dreamt of scenes from my innumerable past lives. This included scenes in which the Buddhist monk Tang Sanzang and his disciples traveled across mountains and rivers in Journey to the West (classical novel of Chinese literature) to obtain scriptures. My dreams revealed the magnificent landscape of the celestial realms, and so much more. In the dreams, the bus heading home was about to depart, but I arrived too late. Every time I rushed to catch up, yet I could never let go of the many bags in my hands. Just as I reached the bus door, I would wake up.
Master solemnly warned me in my dream. His Dharma body sat upon a lotus throne, floating in midair as he gazed at me. After a long silence, he turned away and drifted off into the distance. There was no rebuke or admonishment, just a gentle, compassionate expression. Yet I felt an overwhelming sense of solemnity, a presence that shook my very soul. I was filled with such awe and dread that I did not dare meet Master’s gaze.
From my teenage years to my thirties, over a decade passed. No matter how sluggish I was, Master never gave up on me. He always guided me. I would feel remorse when craving wealth and uneasy when indulging in luxury. Slowly, a genuine desire to cultivate sprouted within me. I began reading Zhuan Falun more regularly. Occasionally, I made banners or handwritten truth-clarifying phrases. Even during business trips, I carried Falun Dafa information pamphlets with me.
After the persecution began, countless noble practitioners left home and risked their lives just to speak the truth about Dafa. Yet I, who also left home at a young age, did so in pursuit of fleeting worldly glory. How could I possibly live at ease with such a conscience? What an immense gap in character!
Beginning in 2011, I start devoting more time to studying the Fa and practicing the exercises. My desire to truly cultivate grew stronger and I longed to find a study group and a cultivation environment with fellow practitioners. In 2013, I got married. My husband had the opportunity to choose among several jobs, and he hoped to earn more money by going abroad or joining a large corporation in a major city. But I thought differently. I pleaded with Master: “Master, please just let us go to a city with a Fa study group so I can have more time to validate the Fa. Let my husband find work in such a place, and I will follow him!”
In June, I resigned from my job due to my pregnancy and returned to live with my mother temporarily. Except for my mother, no one else in my family supported my decision. My mother also reminded me, “Have you thought this through? You might not have a job to return to later. Ninety percent of people wouldn’t choose this. You must be very certain this is what you want.”
I never worried about future employment, nor did I tell her that resigning before childbirth would cost me 90,000 yuan in lost wages. I simply felt that giving up everything for cultivation was worth it. My life felt like a cycle: Years ago I had abandoned a wonderful cultivation environment to chase fame and fortune and now, I was letting go of work and worldly pursuits to seek a better cultivation environment. As I packed my luggage to leave, my heart felt incredibly light.
On the journey home, I felt joyous. In the train station waiting hall, I sat on the floor, eagerly opened Zhuan Falun, and devoured the pages with a hunger I could hardly restrain. Staff, passengers, security guards, and police officers passed by constantly, glancing at me with curiosity, yet not a single one approached to disturb me. I sat quietly, completely immersed in the teachings, as though the noise and chaos of the world no longer had anything to do with me.
Each day, I studied the Fa and did the exercises with my mother. I produced truth informational materials, and spoke to people about Falun Dafa face to face. My days were fulfilling and meaningful. I began reading Master’s teachings given around the world and discovered many principles I had never grasped in my youth. Master enlightened me: “You’ve taken detours these past years; now you must travel the expressway.” A faint fear rose within me and I became worried that I had drifted too deep into ordinary life to regain the purity I had when first obtaining the Fa. Master further enlightened me with the thought, “Master can purify gold to a state of pristine purity.”
My Teacher’s encouragement gave me the strength and motivation I needed. I moved forward with gratitude, while trembling at the thought of how close I had come to missing this precious opportunity. Fortunately, Master Li’s boundless compassion pulled me back from the brink of disaster. He enlightened me to the fact that I had already joined the ranks of true practitioners. With great joy, I embraced my mother, sincerely thanked her for never abandoning me all these years and for her unwavering efforts to awaken me. She said, “Don’t thank me, thank your Teacher!”I exclaimed, “Thank you, Master!” Yet in my heart, unspoken words lingered: “I’m sorry that your disciple awakened so late, causing you so much concern!”
My mother smiled and then wept softly, “This is wonderful! When you left home, I said you were that small tree that stands firm against the wind. You were destined to cultivate!”
Looking back on my journey, there was a time when I cried with such overwhelming regret that the word “regret” hardly describes the depth of my sorrow. In 2014, at the age of thirty-five, holding my hungry, crying child and struggling through a storm of family troubles, I finally let those years of regret pour out. Every cell in my body trembled and wept. I wished I could travel back in time and tell myself at every stage since age nineteen: “Wake up! You are neglecting something so rare and precious. Do you understand what you are doing?” But time moves forward, and I cannot warn my past self. I can only use those lessons to awaken the person I am today.
I obtained the Fa at nineteen, when I was young, inexperienced, and unaware of how precious it was. I carried those regrets through the years until now, at forty-six, I am the mother of a twelve-year-old child. In many ways, I have been like a slow, clumsy child learning to walk; timid, hesitant, and falling often. Yet it was Master Li who always held my hand and guided me through youthful confusion, pursuit of fame and comfort, challenges of marriage, and sentimentality. Thus, I was able to move past the obstacles created by family members who, not knowing the truth, hindered my cultivation. Step by step, year after year, I matured and gradually created an environment more suitable for true cultivation.
Under Master’s compassionate protection, I have been blessed to reconnect with the Fa. The job I once let go of was later returned to me. Today, I have stable work, good health, a harmonious family, a peaceful relationship with my mother-in-law, a considerate husband, and a well-behaved child. My parents and I now walk together on the path of validating the Fa.
I have three wishes, and I humbly seek Master’s blessings: First, to dedicate more time and energy to saving sentient beings and fulfilling my sacred mission. Second, to treat my mother-in-law and husband (who helped temper me through tribulations), with even greater kindness, and validating the Fa through my conduct. Third, to guide young Dafa disciples by example, never abandoning them, just as my mother did for me.
Master’s compassion is immeasurable and unforgettable. As the 22nd Minghui China Conference approaches, I sincerely recount my cultivation journey with my Teacher. It has been a journey filled with remorse, lessons learned, and the joy of rediscovering what was once lost. I share these experiences with fellow practitioners, especially those who obtained the Fa when young, and with the new generation growing up today. May my story offer them a guiding light and help lead those who are lost back onto the path of cultivation.
Young fellow practitioners,If you grew up in Dafa as I did,If you too were once likened to a sacred lotus,If you too have heard your loved ones’ calls,Each one yearning for your return home,Please do not repeat my story,It is filled with cost,Each chapter echoing with regret and dread.
Young one, whether you or another,Have you lost yourself in worldly dust, unable to escape?Do you struggle to discern truth from illusion in dreams?Do you cling to illusions of distant lands?Enduring wind and rain for fame and fortune?Listen to Master, return to Dafa.Master has always been waiting for you.From childhood to adulthood, have you forgotten?
Youth fleeting as a passing shadowEach life’s journey holds unanswered questionsIf you open Zhuan Falun and read the Buddha’s teachingsYour ideals won’t remain emptyPerhaps a more beautiful chapter will unfoldListen to Master, return to DafaThe Master has repeatedly delayed the end of the Fa rectificationEach day bearing immense burdenTime has turned his hair whiteDoes the world know his toil and concern for all beings?