Letting go of the Attachment to Competition in Study and Life

(Minghui.org) I am a second-year college student. I would like to share some insights I have gained during my cultivation process.

In my freshmen year, I worked very hard in my studies and was fortunate enough to receive the “Outstanding Student” award for the academic year 2023-2024. Although superficially, I may have appeared indifferent about receiving the award and the prize money, deep down I felt extremely happy and joyful. After receiving the award, I thought to myself, “Now that I’ve received this award, there will surely be obstacles for me in the future.”

Indeed, several weeks after receiving the award, trials really began to appear. Whenever I passed through the hallway, many people would congratulate me on my achievement. I would remind myself:

“...all the compliments he receives are tests.” (“A Cultivator is Naturally Part of It ,” Essentials for Further Advancement)

I tried to ignore the compliments, fearing they might affect my focus and reduce my academic performance. However, over time, these compliments made me feel like I was indeed more capable and talented, and my attitude toward those around me began to change.

I had close friends in the same class. When comparing academic achievements and grades, although I was just slightly ahead, these friends always put lots of effort into their work; I began to fear that if they kept trying so hard, they might actually catch up with me. There were times when I pretended not to study much, hoping that my friends would also do the same, but then I would secretly study very hard at night. This made me more and more anxious and jealous every time my friends managed to answer the teacher’s questions in class. I tried listening very intensely in class just to make sure no one could answer as quickly as I could. There were times when I found myself feeling satisfied when my friends encountered difficulties in class. I saw it as an opportunity to surpass my friends and protect my reputation. My mind was always in a competitive mode, trying to present myself as the top student, and I felt proud whenever I made my friends feel inferior or foolish.

From my perspective, these friends were always trying to compete with me, both in academics and in other school activities. Then, at the beginning of the new academic year, more and more new students arrived, and I felt like I was facing even more obstacles, like there were more competitors for me to surpass. During the recent semester, I overheard talk that some new students were very good at their studies, with near-perfect GPAs, and this once again made me fearful that my reputation would be taken from me. I thought to myself, “How can those students look like that and be so good at studying?” My mind kept racing with fears of losing face.

In my daily life and work, I also found myself thinking negatively about other practitioners who might have opportunities similar to mine. I felt as though I was no longer as “special” as I once was. I experienced a mental crisis—on the surface, I was striving to be a good friend, but deep inside, I couldn’t feel happy for the accomplishments of others.

My attitude toward studying also changed. Sometimes, during lessons, I didn’t bother paying attention, thinking, “I can still get good grades without really understanding.” I pretended to listen, but my mind was preoccupied with how to outdo others. I became complacent, thinking I could finish tasks quickly with minimal effort. I carried this arrogance into my internship applications, believing my high grades would guarantee acceptance. However, when midterms arrived, I realized that I really had nothing, except for feeling burned out. My applications to many internship opportunities were rejected, and my grades were poor. I felt as if all my work had been in vain, and I became discouraged. I even started feeling jealous of my friends and couldn’t bring myself to talk to them anymore.

During a group Fa study session, I mentioned these feelings to my fellow practitioners, as I had been feeling exhausted and discouraged in my studies and cultivation. One practitioner said that my situation reminded her of a teaching from Master in Zhuan Falun, Lecture Six, “Demonic Interference From One’s Own Mind”:

“When he looks at himself, he will find himself indeed a Buddha. Why is this? This is because everything within the dimensional field around his body will transform according to his thoughts, which is called “transformation follows mind-intent.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)

I realized that I felt like I was being consumed by my own illusion, believing that everyone was competing with me for their personal benefit. Although I tried to remind myself that I shouldn’t be attached to any material benefits, the truth was, I enjoyed the attention of others and gradually sank deeper into it. This made me recall another teaching from Master:

“In the beginning, this person was very good. When he cured illnesses for other people, they would give him money or some gifts—all of which he might turn down or refuse to accept. Yet this person could not resist contamination from the big dye vat of everyday people. Because these reverse cultivation people had never gone through genuine xinxing cultivation, it was very difficult for them to conduct their xinxing well. Gradually, this person would accept small gifts. Later, he would also accept big gifts. In the end, he would even be offended when he was not given enough. Finally, he would say, “Why do you give me so many things? Give me money!” He would not be pleased if given too little money. Getting an earful of other people’s flattery about how capable he was, he would also not respect qigong masters from righteous schools. If someone said something bad about him, he would be upset. This person’s attachments to fame and self-interest were all developed. He considered himself better than others and extraordinary. He mistakenly thought that he was given the energy to become a qigong master and make a big fortune, when in fact it was for him to cultivate.” (Lecture Three, Zhuan Falun)

I indeed had feelings of jealousy, arrogance, and at times even looked down on fellow practitioners. I always felt tense, irritated, and uncomfortable. Truthfully, I had faced this issue for a long time, and I couldn’t seem to “let go” of these attachments. From one attachment, many more attachments had arisen, and they have been tormenting me for almost two years.

I couldn’t understand why I could realize the issue but couldn’t let go of it. On the surface, I was still studying the Fa and practicing the exercises, and I told myself, “I need to be indifferent to these attachments,” but deep inside, I was still holding on to them. I couldn’t explain why I wanted to hold on to these attachments so tightly. There were times when I even tried to justify the attachments, masking them with the excuse that my academic achievements in college could be seen as me working on Dafa projects and validating the Fa. For a period of time, I truly felt exhausted, as if I could not make any progress in my cultivation, and I even thought that maybe it would be easier if I stopped practicing. I really thought a lot about this, sometimes even considering it natural, as part of my personality.

When I later studied Master’s article “Teachings at the Conference in Canada,” I realized that I hadn’t truly wanted to let go of these attachments. On the contrary, I had tried to conceal them, fearing for my personal fame and gain, and this had hindered my progress. Overthinking can also be an attachment.

I realized I always need to maintain righteous thoughts to not indulge my own attachments, and I must always adhere to the standards of Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance at all times. Even now, I want to openly say that sometimes I still have thoughts stemming from a competitive spirit, jealousy, showing off, and desire for fame and gain, but I am continuously working to eliminate them and I am learning to let go of these attachments.

Whatever the process of letting go might be like, I realize that it’s all good, and is only intended to help me improve even further.