(Minghui.org) While studying Zhuan Falun at the end of February, when we were reading the last paragraph of the section “Jealousy” from the seventh lecture, I suddenly realized the huge urgency to look within myself as deeply as possible to eradicate this evil jealousy from my dimension completely. I do not doubt that compassionate Master was pushing me to finally do this work in earnest: to discover and eradicate this jealousy and the fundamental attachment that it controls. In my space, jealousy was pretending to be “white,” and it had sneakily manipulated my attachment of pursuing prestige.
I looked in my folder where I keep cultivation stories I have written during my almost 20 years of cultivation. There are a lot of them. But I did not talk about eliminating jealousy. I decided to go over my path and look deeper into myself and analyze it.
My attitude to the feeling of jealousy was as follows: jealousy is certainly evil. Master devoted a whole section of a chapter to this issue, but I personally have no jealousy. I am a benevolent person, and I am not plotting against anyone.
I was once able to approach a fellow practitioner and confess that I was jealous of her because she was cultivating well. In response, she hugged me. One day, I got all my courage together and wrote to another practitioner about my jealousy of her, which was expressed by admiration for her, which had held me back for many years from approaching her and simply talking sincerely. The reaction of that practitioner was extraordinarily moving. At that moment in my cultivation, I calmed down, saying that I could cope with the feeling of jealousy. And the thought became stronger in me that envy in my universe is a completely manageable feeling and not so evil.
But I was very wrong. I did not think to eradicate the feeling of jealousy, I put up with it, thought it was quite manageable, and the main goal, of course, unconsciously, was to not lose my own importance in the eyes of these practitioners, so that they would not think badly of me, which would bring me unbearable pain that I did not want to endure.
While writing this experience, I remembered not by chance how a practitioner once asked me: “What is wrong with white envy, without plotting against anyone, because such a feeling stimulates growth, professional growth, for example?” I answered her question to myself as follows: “Perhaps she is right, white envy is not a bad thing, because it does not harm anyone.” By this answer, I gave myself an opportunity for envy to hide cunningly in my universe. It meant that white jealousy would not build wickedness, so once again, I could calm down about it and not give it any importance. It has to be said that this practitioner is no longer alive. Maybe it is because she didn’t pay serious attention to eliminating jealousy?
I shuddered and felt afraid that I would not reach consummation, because my improvement is fragile if jealousy is not eliminated. It does not matter what color it is camouflaged as – any jealousy must be eliminated! So I must immediately look into myself as deeply as possible.
Let me go back to my childhood, to my teenage years. When I was 12 or 13 years old, I used to look up to high school students and wanted to meet one of them very much. When I met guys who were older than me, I always added a couple of years to my age and lied without shame that I knew and could do this and that, bragging to make up for what I lacked, and at the same time, enjoying impressing them.
That pleasure didn’t last long, though. Only until the moment when the truth was revealed and I was turned away, and I sank into sadness and sorrow, until the next round of interaction with other high school students. What was it all for? For the momentary pleasure of self-importance in the eyes of those who are big and smart. Looking back, I now clearly realize that I was driven by jealousy, and it was this jealousy that motivated me to brag, to make myself look good, and to deceive others.
When I lived in the Soviet Union (where I was born and where I later emigrated to Israel from), I studied at musical schools from the age of 15 to 19, and my jealousy was demonstrated in a more tricky way. It was very difficult for me to overcome my stage fear; my hands would just shake during a performance. I even had to change my profession, leave music, and go into science. I only now realize why it happened. My mother chose my specialty: music teacher, because it is a prestigious specialty for women. I started my conscious life with this attitude – a prestigious specialty.
And what does it mean to have a prestigious specialty in the eyes of a spoiled society? It means that you will be envied. When someone has a prestigious specialty, her life is considered successful.
But this attitude did not make my life professionally successful. It wasn’t until about seven years later, when I was already in Israel and had become an orthodox religious person, that I returned to music and started organizing free concerts for women, just to enrich them culturally. I played and sang classical music to religious women that many of them had never heard, putting together special programs with texts from religious scriptures. And my hands did not shake at all during the performances. Everyone loved the atmosphere of spiritual intimacy that prevailed in the small living room of our apartment. My little children slept peacefully during these evening concerts. I think that already then, in the mid-90s, during the period of my religious life, Master helped me to get rid of the desire for prestige. In any case, at that time, I sincerely prayed to help all my listeners grow spiritually at my concerts, to gain spiritual strength, so that later they could cope with their difficult lives with more ease.
When I left the religious world as a result of my divorce and became a single mother with seven children, I had to make a living somehow, and the only official job available for me was work as a caretaker for older people. My heart was heavy because it was not prestigious, and it was a low-paying job.
I am a certified musical teacher, and I can teach music in Israeli schools. And I worked in an Israeli school for a couple of years when I was religious. But when I came out of the religious world, a rather closed world, I could not work in a school, either mentally or physically. I could not even look for a job in schools because I had my little children to take care of. I could only work as a caregiver, and only for a few hours.
After obtaining the Fa in 2005, I joined the newly opened Epoch Times project in both Hebrew and Russian and started writing articles, then doing photography. When strangers asked me what I did for a living, I veiled my answer, hiding the fact that I had to work as a caregiver for the elderly and that I didn’t yet earn money from journalism. Why did I hide it? It’s not a prestigious profession, and it’s not prestigious to work and not get paid. I’d even been hiding that I was working as a caregiver from my relatives. I told them that I had enough income from the social insurance service, but it was not true. I had a concept deeply embedded in me by jealousy: the desire for prestige.
Since The Epoch Times began publishing in Israel, I have been tirelessly promoting it, and wrote articles myself for two and a half years in Hebrew, recommending it to everyone I met. And two years ago, an opportunity opened up to work for The Epoch Times magazine, which was very successful and rapidly gaining popularity as a result of practitioners’ efforts and good cooperation. It was my dream to work for the magazine. When it started publishing, I distributed it to all my acquaintances and friends, reading each issue in its entirety. I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to work in the Epoch Times magazine, and agreed to pass a month of probation. But the desire to work on this project was not pure, jealousy lurked within it. I couldn’t devote myself fully to this work by that time, because I was busy with other important projects that I couldn’t leave behind. I didn’t pass the probationary period. I realized that I was jealous of everyone who worked at the magazine, and I admitted it to a few practitioners.
I experienced incredible relief precisely because I was able to overcome the desire for prestige. Compassion opened up in my heart, and I returned to my caregiver work, free from the desire for a prestigious job.
My first client, after returning to this job, turned out to be a very unhappy person, who was unable to forgive people for the slightest mistake and who judged everyone. I worked for her for three months “under fire,” but I kept being kind toward her, felt sorry for her, and emphasized her good traits – thoroughness and meticulousness, which I myself lacked in doing things. She taught me how to scrub floors, which I had done only superficially until then. Or rather, she helped me to change my attitude to cleaning, and to do it more patiently and thoroughly. Because, in fact, I cleaned not only the dust and dirt that I saw with my eyes, but also eliminated laziness, contempt, and that ingrained desire for a prestigious profession, and much more. I changed so much that I didn’t recognize myself.
In the article published on January 10, 2025, on the Minghui website titled special report 'Our Master”, the author describes, among other things, how Master labors all day at the construction site at the mountain, even picking up nails, cleaning up the area, etc. After that, I began to work with people with a light heart, constantly removing the desire for profit, thinking first of their interests.
I have six people to take care of, a lot of work to do, and it seems that I should have little time left for Fa study and projects. But it turns out to be quite the opposite. Master makes sure that I have enough time and energy for all the projects, because I put doing the three thingsin the first place. Caregiver work is the environment for my cultivation, and I try to think of the interests of others first and foremost in everything I do.
As I was writing this experience, a new test came upon me. I had a new person to care for. Initially, she wanted me to only do cleaning for her. She was seriously ill, depressed, and had not cleaned her apartment in several years. It’s hard to convey how neglected her apartment was and how much compacted dust had accumulated in it. I calmly and happily started cleaning, using my own money to buy various cleaning products. On my first visit to her, of course, I began to explain the truth about Dafa to her, as I always do. But she did not accept my story, no matter how much I tried, saying that this Falun Dafa practice was not her culture, and she reluctantly accepted the lotus.
The next time I came, I made sure that I cleaned so well that it would touch her heart, make her more friendly, and make it easier for me to explain the truth to her. The result was good: the woman was satisfied. In a month, her apartment became fresh and easy to breathe in. It seemed to me that now that it was cleaned enough, I could reduce my efforts and just maintain cleanliness, which meant working less.
When I came to her for the fifth time, I did a light cleaning in an hour and a half, twice as fast as the previous times. When I went to see her for the sixth time, she opened the door to me in anger, saying that I was a slacker, that I didn’t work as hard as I should, so she would complain about me and give me one last chance to improve today. When I walked into the living room, one drawer had been pushed aside, and a huge amount of dust had accumulated behind it. Cabinets from another corner that I hadn’t done yet were pulled out as well. She irritably pointed out all the places where there was dust that I hadn’t gotten around to yet.
I immediately thought, “You’re right, I really haven’t cleaned these places, I just let them stay out of my sight.” Out loud, I said, “I will do everything for you, please don’t be angry, I can and should always be told where and what to do, and I will gladly do whatever you tell me to do. But you didn’t tell me anything last time.”
She got even angrier after that, “I have to tell the janitor what to do? The cleaner has to know how to do it and what to do, otherwise, I don’t need him. You didn’t even dust well. Look at how much dust was left after you wiped.” She showed me a couple of books that were half wiped, half not. At that moment, I couldn’t explain to her that caregivers are not cleaners or janitors. But her words didn’t hurt me. My heart remained calm. That day, I worked for four hours without a break and at a good pace with one righteous thought: I am ready to diligently clean her apartment if necessary, till morning, until I fall down. I will treat her well, and I want her to be saved.
Before I left that day, I apologized for causing her so much trouble and thanked her for pointing out the flaws in my work and allowing me to correct them. I also politely asked her if next time she could tell me right away what needed to be done, and not to think I was skiving off work. I am an artist by nature, my head is full of ideas, so please just guide me, and I will be immensely grateful when you correct me if I didn’t see something or forgot something. It makes my work more harmonious.
She agreed. And I felt lighter – another step toward getting rid of the desire for prestige that was cleverly manipulated by the evil envy.
At the end of May 2025, it will be exactly 20 years since I started my Falun Dafa journey. It is only now that I have begun seriously digging out the feeling of jealousy, having torn off its white mask, and having seen how jealousy has controlled my ingrained addiction to prestige. I have now finally felt and realized that I am beginning to truly cultivate.
I do not have enough words of gratitude that I would like to express to esteemed Master, and to you, dear fellow practitioners.