(Minghui.org) Looking back on the 27 years of my life, I realize that without Master’s compassionate salvation, I would have been long gone from this world. I would like to share my experience of falling prey to and suffering through a sinful life and how Master guided me back to Dafa.
I was born in 1998 to a family of Falun Dafa practitioners. When the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) launched its crackdown on the practice in 1999, my parents went to Beijing with local practitioners and petitioned for their right to freedom of belief. I was left behind with my maternal grandmother. After returning, my parents distributed flyers and booklets to clarify the truth, until my father was illegally arrested. To avoid being persecuted, my mother took grandma and me, and fled. After my father was released, my parents no longer cultivated so diligently.
When I was three years old, an older girl from the kindergarten came to play with me. When a boy bullied me, she stood up for me and scolded the boy. This had a huge impact on me and I developed a crush on her. I later realized that this was the old forces planting a seed of sin in me—homosexuality.
I had already formed many bad habits by the time I entered elementary school. I loved hamburgers so my parents bought them every day. I liked Coca-Cola and wouldn’t eat my meals without it. I was sheltered, self-centered, and spoiled by everyone around me.
My maternal grandmother came to stay with us and helped take care of me during elementary school. She and I recited the Fa together in the evenings and did the exercises on the weekends. My life slowly got back on the right track. I broke my bad habits and gave up my indulgences. By the time I entered sixth grade, I was an obedient, kind, considerate, and healthy kid.
My mother became pregnant when I was in sixth grade. When she told me about it, I felt as if my world had collapsed.
The birth of my brother upended my life. Nobody talked about me anymore and all they cared about was the baby. The adults started telling me I was older now and had responsibilities. They either lectured me or told me how I should take care of my little brother. I didn’t understand why I was suddenly no longer important to them. Fortunately, we still studied the Fa as a family and I heavily relied on my kindness to keep resentment at bay.
I started to pay a lot of attention to my appearance as a teen. I practiced the way I walked and my facial expressions when I talked. Those things became very important to me, and my hair also needed to be perfect at all times. I had good grades in middle school and was one of the better-looking girls in my class. However, before eighth grade started, I had a bad haircut. I was so sad and felt that my life had been completely ruined. It was supposed to be a xinxing test for me and I failed miserably. No one in my family understood how devastated I was, and instead scolded me. That was when I cut my family off emotionally and started to suffer from depression.
Bad things immediately followed. I was losing hair in handfuls and had a lot of problems with my skin. I stopped caring about my appearance, which gradually led to not caring about anything at all.
It was right around that time that my father gave me a cellphone. I almost instantly became addicted as it filled a big hole in me. I was invisible to my family—nobody loved or paid any attention to me. WeChat was relatively new at the time, and one of its functions was to find and chat with other local users. I thought this was great and that I could make some friends this way.
I was thrilled when a person befriended me on the app—someone was finally paying attention to me. Then he asked me to take a selfie and send it to him because he wanted to see what I looked like. Then he asked me to take a picture of my legs. The next thing I knew we started online dating. Not knowing how to say no, I ended up meeting and online dating a lot of men on the app.
The chats with these men were filled with their sexual desires and lust, which slowly eroded my innocence. One day, a man invited me to lunch at his place, so I went. Just as I finished eating, he grabbed me from behind. Luckily, my lunch break was over and I insisted that I needed to get back to school, otherwise who knows what would have happened.
When I got home later, I realized I had put myself in a very bad situation. I blocked the guy on the app but didn’t tell any adults what happened. I did, however, tell a friend at school, and you can just imagine how this spread and damaged my reputation. Also around that time, I was introduced to smoking and became addicted.
I started going to a vocational school to become a teacher. There were 11 students in my class. I smoked a lot with some of the other students. My mannerisms changed as well—I spent a lot of time playing sports and acted tough and manly.
A discussion broke out among my classmates one day and everyone was asked if they were homosexual. When it was my turn to answer, I didn’t say anything. The next day, however, I admitted in front of everybody that I was homosexual. By openly admitting this, I gave the evil old forces the perfect loophole to exploit, and it eventually led to the biggest mistake of my life.
I thought I was homosexual because I was attracted to my private tutor who was very pretty. Around the same time, another person of interest, Fang, entered my life. We were classmates in middle school but barely knew each other. Now she was in my class again at vocation school.
My parents soon found out I had feelings for my tutor and fired her. But Fang gradually became a big part of my life. I was eager to get to know her and be closer to her. That was the beginning of our deeply entangled and unhealthy relationship.
Soon, everyone in my class found out about us, which troubled Fang and she broke up with me. I took this very badly and lashed out at her in anger and frustration. I picked fights with her every day, then apologized and desperately tried to make it up to her. I was clingy and constantly sought her attention.
During those two years at vocational school, I caused Fang enormous mental and emotional stress. She kept saying what was going on between us was wrong but I just couldn’t accept it. I brought her favorite food and hung out at her house all the time, even though she only treated me as a friend.
Something major happened when we were preparing for college entrance exams—my father suddenly passed away. Fang again tried to break up with me and said she only wanted to be friends, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to be with her.
Fang and I were accepted into the same college. I told everyone around us that I liked her. I asked her out on dates and tried to take her out for fancy meals but she turned me down every time. I was not deterred and treated her like my girlfriend.
Meanwhile, Fang went out with other people and had a couple of boyfriends. I resented her and wanted to provoke her. I smoked even more and got into martial arts and boxing. I kept my hair short and acted like a man.
One time, I went to a friend’s house and Fang was there too. She was doing a type of drug and asked me to give it a try. I hesitated but eventually took it too. I used it several more times after that.
While doing my internship during the last semester of college, I got into a car accident and had to pay a lot of money. I also got into a huge fight with a classmate. I took out a loan with an online lending firm, but I couldn’t pay the minimum monthly payment. I gained so much weight and reached 250 lbs. Fang was still in my life, trying to be a friend, yet I was so needy that I kept hurting her.
By this point, I was homosexual, using drugs, getting into fist fights, and owed a large debt. My demon nature dominated and I was full of sin. My appearance had changed so much that I didn’t even look human. I always wore black from top to bottom and never left the house without a hat. I smelled like cigarettes and looked gloomy. I spent most of my days smoking and consuming large amounts of food. I watched shows about ghosts and supernatural phenomena and consumed other distorted content to satisfy the need for stimulation.
Whenever I was at home during the holidays, my family constantly argued with each other. My maternal grandfather beat my grandmother. The environment there made me anxious. I couldn’t relax for a moment and didn’t sleep well at night. I could spend an entire holiday at home yet my mother did not find the time to have a proper conversation with me. It made me feel unwanted and abandoned.
After college, I became a little more mature. Fang and I decided that we would not argue again and our relationship improved. As we became closer, her family relied on her more and more. It seemed that whenever we spent time together, we were always running errands for her family, which was very tiring.
My family found two jobs for me and I worked for a total of six months before I quit working altogether. I stayed home and complained all day. I stayed up late, didn’t go to sleep until 4 or 5 a.m., and slept through the day. When I finally woke up in the afternoon, I looked for my friends to hang out, eat, smoke, or go to the night market.
The only thing I cared about was friends—they were the most important thing and my sole purpose in life. I didn’t care about anything else. I bought a kitten despite my family’s disapproval. Then I bought another one. The female cat soon got pregnant and gave birth to seven more kittens. I kept nine cats at home and didn’t care that my brother was severely allergic. If anyone dared to touch my cats, I picked fights with them.
The lifestyle I led was degenerate and destructive. I counted 10 evils:- homosexuality and lust- drugs and heavy smoking- the large debt I owed- selfishness and always having to have things my way- laziness and wasting time- overindulgence in food and play- an inclination toward dark things and ghosts- complete surrender to my demon nature- not taking my life seriously- jealousy
But Master never gave up on me. One day in October 2024, my mother told me that a fellow practitioner called Xin was coming to visit us. The term “fellow practitioner” seemed so strange yet so familiar.
Xin arrived that evening. She is an elderly practitioner. I felt very excited when I saw her and had the urge to tell her everything I had gone through over the years, but didn’t know where to start. However, I didn’t say anything and acted like I didn’t care.
Xin said she was going to help us return to Dafa. She said that before the trip, she saw through her celestial eye that she was packing for her stay with us. Master arranged all this. Master never gave up on us.
Cleaning
The following week, Xin helped us declutter and deep clean the house. We threw away so many things from my room, including all my replica guns, weapons, and toys. Everything that represented my old lifestyle was thrown out. I was surprised I didn’t even have any hard feelings about letting those things go.
After we cleaned my room, it felt serene and quiet. The calm feeling was real and quite astonishing.
Group Fa Study
Xin created a routine for us to study Zhuan Falun and send righteous thoughts together. With her encouragement, I sent righteous thoughts for an hour the first time I tried. We also finished reading the entire book of Zhuan Falun in the first week.
Besides Fa study and righteous thoughts, I reviewed and re-learned the five exercises. After a month, I felt like a cultivator again.
Letting Go of My Cats
I had nine cats and was very attached to them. Through studying the Fa with Xin, I came to understand the Fa principle of not killing nor keeping animals. My brother is highly allergic to cats and I knew I should be more considerate. Plus, keeping them would create more karma, which was not good for the cats either. I decided it was time to give them away.
With Xin by my side, I told my cats to assimilate to Dafa and assimilate to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. I told them to remember that Falun Dafa is good and Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good. I repeated these things over and over again for half an hour before finally letting them go to their new homes.
Quitting Smoking
After studying the Fa for a month, Xin decided it was time to join a local Fa study group.
We lived quite far away from other practitioners in the area so mom decided to rent a place where we could focus on Fa study and doing the exercises. Things moved forward smoothly, and we soon found a place.
When we first moved into the rental place, I was smoking half a pack of cigarettes a day. Xin wanted to help me quit. We studied the Fa intensively and sent righteous thoughts frequently. While Xin was sending righteous thoughts to target my smoking habit, a large eagle appeared. The eagle said I owed him a life and was being made to pay it back through smoking. I was right next to Xin at the time and witnessed the conversation. It was my first time experiencing anything like that and I was amazed. I decided to quit.
I had three relapses and made up my mind to quit three more times. Since then, I have treated this as a serious matter and held myself to the standard of a cultivator.
Fang is now just a friend. She has had a lot going on with her family for the past year and a half. I tried to help her as much as I could and often skipped group Fa study or practicing the exercises. I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to spend a lot of time with her. I thought we were just friends so I let my guard down and became even more attached to her.
Xin reminded me that homosexuality was wrong and I shouldn’t see Fang any more. She said I had accumulated a lot of karma through this relationship and it had already started to manifest. Xin saw in a vision that if I didn’t end things, I would get into a life-threatening car accident. Even if I didn’t see her but still kept in touch, the old forces would impose sickness karma on me. She warned that I would eventually meet a terrible fate if I didn’t change my ways.
I nearly suffocated when I heard all this, feeling a tremendous amount of pressure bearing down on me, and I couldn’t breathe. I broke down, cried uncontrollably, and threw a huge fit, knowing full well that this was not the proper way to behave.
In fact, there were three incidents that could have been serious accidents. A motorcyclist crashed into my car on two separate occasions. The third time a car sped up toward me when I was going back to the rental place. Fortunately, nothing happened. Thank you, compassionate Master for keeping me out of real danger. Realizing this, I knew it was time to truly rectify myself.
On August 15, 2025, I made up my mind to overcome this test of life and death. With ample righteous thoughts, I announced my decision at our Fa study group that night. In that moment, I felt for the first time that I was part of the group and had truly become one of them. It was such a wonderful feeling.
My fellow practitioners were happy for me and we sent righteous thoughts as a group. During this process, a thought arose in my mind, “Let go of life and death and immediately become a Buddha.” I knew this was Master encouraging me, which brought me to tears.
As soon as I woke up the next morning, I was consumed by fear. The idea of not being able to see my best friend ever again triggered a surge of emotions, like a massive explosion. Tears streamed down as I opened my eyes. The sadness nearly engulfed me and I felt like I was about to die.
I immediately went to Xin. She told me that this was all interference imposed by the old forces. She suggested that I completely deny the old forces’ arrangements and only follow the path arranged by Master.
We studied the Fa together, but the old forces loomed over me, weakening my righteous thoughts, and intensifying the thought karma and human notions that I had formed over the years. They stirred up memories from the past and asked how I could bear to lose Fang. “She is so dependent on you and trusts you, so what is she going to do without you? She has so much going on and is under so much pressure from her family. What is she going to do if you leave her?”
Thoughts like these kept randomly popping into my head and filling my heart with fear and sadness. I could barely breathe. Then it hit me—I’m working through this with the guidance of the Fa and I’m trying to assimilate to the Fa. I am doing the right thing. Why do I feel scared? I realized it wasn’t me who felt scared, it was the old forces.
When I understood this, my righteous thoughts returned, “I will cultivate in Dafa. I will follow Master and return to my heavenly home. I am a cultivator and will assimilate to the Fa and assimilate to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. Homosexuality, thought karma, human notions, and fear are not me.” I recited the formula for sending righteous thoughts to eliminate all evil elements imposed by the old forces. With this determination, I shifted from passively trying to get through the test to proactively taking on the challenge.
After lunch, my mother suggested that we all send righteous thoughts. We formed groups of two and took turns, but I still wasn’t clear on the importance of righteous thoughts. I felt restless during the first half hour and had trouble breathing. I was extremely anxious and fearful. My thoughts were exploited by the old forces again and I fell for their deceitful delusions.
Xin reminded me, “You have to be clear who is the true you and what is not your own thinking. The real you is sitting here sending righteous thoughts.” Xin’s words awakened me. I went from being scared to close my eyes to being able to repeat the word “Mie” (eliminate). I was finally sending forth righteous thoughts.
After another 20 minutes, I thought we would stop soon because I had never sent righteous thoughts for longer than that. But Xin saw through her celestial eye that there was a large circular plate with a pillar underneath and a gaping mouth at its center. She described it to me and we decided to continue until the evil was eliminated. We strengthened our righteous thoughts and kept going.
The old forces started interfering in a different way. My mother had a stomachache. She immediately denied the interference and continued to send righteous thoughts, which helped strengthen my righteous thoughts. Then a question popped into my head, “Can you guarantee you will never make the same mistake again, ever?” I firmly stated, “I am Master Li Hongzhi’s disciple. I will only follow the path arranged by Master. If there’s anything about me that is not aligned with the Fa, I will rectify myself through the Fa. I completely and firmly deny all of the old forces’ arrangements throughout history, to this point, and all evil elements imposed on me.” I recited the formula for righteous thoughts to eliminate all evil elements and interference.
Answering the old forces’ question made my entire body feel warm, and I no longer had trouble breathing. Yet they did not give up that easily and started making threats via my thought karma. I had ample and firm righteous thoughts however, and was no longer the “old me” that easily fell for these tactics and cried out of fear. I said out loud, “I have let go of life and death. Even if I die today, I will not accept homosexuality, sentimentality, heartache, worry, or death. I completely reject all of them. None of them is me. I completely and thoroughly reject all evil elements imposed by the old forces.”
An hour and a half into sending righteous thoughts, an advertisement truck came to our neighborhood. The volume of its audio system was so loud that it felt like a high-pitched loudspeaker was screaming in my ears.
Knowing this was interference, my mother and I maintained strong righteous thoughts. Things intensified and the truck played several rounds of advertisements. Then another one came. We were sandwiched between two high-volume trucks, one in front of and one behind our place. They were so loud. After the trucks finally left, a car with a fancy stereo system came and played modern music with a powerful beat from the loudspeaker. We remained unmoved and continued to send righteous thoughts. The interference was proof that we were doing the right thing.
After two hours, Xin got up to make dinner. As I continued by myself, I again felt I was suffocating, but didn’t panic this time. I didn’t feel scared even though my mother was not there with me. I responded differently compared to just an hour ago—I was calm and my righteous thoughts emerged. Time seemed to have slowed down and so had my thoughts, like the drawn out voice of a divine being in a cartoon.
We sent righteous thoughts for three hours. At the end, I could hear the sound of energy passing through and strengthening me.
I woke up the next morning full of sadness and fear again. I reminded myself to guard every thought. Wiping away the tears, I firmly rejected the false self and eliminated the evil elements sent by the old forces to ruin me.
Xin was out running errands. As soon as she returned, she asked what I thought about cellphones. I was thrown off by the question and answered vaguely. Master arranged this opportunity for me to address my cellphone addiction but I couldn’t make up my mind.
It was indeed time to quit my cellphone, as that was what I used for most of the degenerate things I did. And now it was being monitored by the police. As a being, my phone could no longer be saved. I needed to quit my phone to rectify the situation of being monitored and avoid further persecution.
Xin suggested that I talk to Master in front of his portrait. She believed this could help me distinguish my true self and do better moving forward. I knelt in front of Master’s picture, saying, “Thank you, Master, for compassionately saving me. I will do better regarding my cellphone. I will throw it away and break my addiction. I will completely relinquish homosexuality and sentimentality. I promise I will do better. Thank you, Master.”
I repeated the process three times. Whenever I noticed a human notion or attachment and made up my mind to get rid of it, I promised in front of Master’s portrait that I would do better.
I had a dream that night. There were no images, just an awareness. I learned that while I did my best confronting the old forces throughout this test, Master helped and strengthened me so I could meet the standards of the Fa, addressing and rectifying one issue at a time until all of them were resolved. I would like to express my deepest gratitude to compassionate Master for painstakingly saving me.
Over the next few days, I still woke up in a state of deep fear each morning and experienced difficulty breathing. There were still times when I cried, falling for the old forces’ mind games and interference, but the intensity became less and less. I kept up with Fa study and vigilantly guarded my every thought. After a few days, I had some numbness in my face and thought it was a result of the evil beings in my body leaving and being eliminated, which was greatly encouraging.
Then I had another dream. There were still no images during the first half of the dream. Master talked to me, not in a way that I could directly see or hear, and I wasn’t sure what he was talking about, but I just knew Master was talking to me.
During the second half of my dream, I was sitting in my room sending righteous thoughts and my mother was there too. We engaged in a fierce battle with the evil beings and sent forth strong righteous thoughts with all our might. There were strangers cheering us on in the background, and a big mirror in the living room, which matched reality. I saw two of me in the mirror—my assistant consciousness was sending righteous thoughts next to me.
Eventually the day came that I had to talk to Fang in person. We were so close before and with my involvement in many of her family matters I felt the need to clarify everything in person so we could both have closure. After a few attempts, Fang and I finally settled on a date and time to meet.
It was a nice day and the sun was shining. Xin told me that this was a special day and everything would go smoothly. She offered encouragement, told me not to be scared, and reminded me that Master is always by my side. I made a point to remember everything she told me. We sent righteous thoughts together before I headed out to meet Fang. Master also helped and gave me wisdom—I had prepared an entire page of notes about what I wanted to say, with clear logic and rationality.
The meeting went surprisingly well and Fang didn’t protest or get angry. Our conversation was relaxed and friendly. I told her I had decided not to see her anymore. Although she couldn’t completely accept this, Fang carried on talking and kept the conversation pleasant and relaxed. After she left, however, I suddenly became very emotional. The evil elements were making a final attempt to gain control of me. My heart was moved and I cried. I again felt suffocated. But eventually, I got through the day.
I have been diligently guarding my every thought since then, while keeping up with daily Fa study, exercises, and righteous thoughts. I have looked at each human notion and attachment that emerged with the mental clarity gained from having let go of life and death.
I’ve finally arrived at this point in my sharing. Without Master’s compassionate salvation, I cannot imagine what would have happened to me. Without Master compassionately guiding me and turning the tide, I cannot imagine what horrible things could have unfolded.
My deepest gratitude to Master for giving me a new lease on life and allowing me to rectify and purify myself in Dafa. I promise to cultivate diligently. Dafa has turned me from a person with every conceivable vice to a true cultivator living by the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance who is mentally and physically healthy. My deepest thanks to Master. I’m kneeling and offering my deepest gratitude and respect.