Cultivating Through the Attachment of Anger

(Minghui.org) I have always struggled with anger ever since I was a child. I had a “bad temper” as we say in English.

I am half Puerto Rican, which makes me Latino. Latinos, or Hispanics, are known for being “hot-blooded,” which has advantages and disadvantages—but mostly negative consequences.

When I was young, I picked on and sometimes harmed my older brother, who was a bit overweight and clumsy, and annoyed me with name-calling. When I became a teenager, I moved in with my father and stepmother, away from my mother and brother. I realized that being angry wasn’t acceptable, so I became good at hiding it.

I obtained the Fa at age 17, and my anger died down somewhat. I felt more in control of my emotions, and just generally at peace with the world. This was thanks to the Fa taught by Master, which changed my life for the better, and helped me become more forbearing. As Master said:

“If your temper is not good, you should change, for a practitioner must be tolerant.” (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)

Nonetheless, there was still an underlying, deep-rooted attachment and substance within me that eventually had to be removed on my path of cultivation. Therefore, Master began to push it out when I started my own family.

Master said:

“Young cultivators should still form families.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)

After I got married and started my own family, I seemed to have no shortage of reasons to get annoyed with my wife or children, and there was now a group of people occupying my personal space and headspace all the time. I could not hide from them.

Usually I was fine at home, easy to work with, and responsible. My family thought I was calm and easygoing, but periodically I would explode, lose my temper, and become irrationally enraged. After I calmed down, it was a humbling experience that required me to look inside, and take my cultivation more seriously.

This continued to happen however, though infrequently. I looked inside and strove to make changes in myself, but could still feel a strong sense of justification, and rationalized my behavior every time it happened. The reasons I had in mind were indeed all things that my family had done wrong or could have been done better. But I somehow felt it necessary to correct their actions by losing my temper, and thought that there was no other way. In other words, there seemed to be good reasons for becoming angry, even if the outburst itself was obviously bad. Thus, my attachment continued to exist in the background, surfacing like an ugly monster for my family to see a few times a year.

I continued this way for many years until Christmas 2021 during the COVID lockdown period. People were hotly debating the use of vaccines, face masks, and quarantine methods. One segment of society seemed to be enforcing vaccines and face masks on others, and this created tensions. We planned to visit my family in Michigan for Christmas as we often did. My mother and brother were already hostile towards us for our relative lack of concern about vaccines. Due to our work, both my wife and I got vaccinated not long before Christmas, but our children had not been vaccinated.

When we arrived at my mother’s house, we went through the front door, and I said, “Merry Christmas!” to which my older brother harshly replied, “Put your masks on now!” He, my mother, and members of my extended family were not wearing masks, I guess because they were vaccinated and had only been around vaccinated people—I don’t know. At any rate, I reacted to his treatment as unfair, and replied with a very aggressive “No!” He then punched me in the face, and my nose started bleeding. I’m not sure if I would have fought back, but some relatives jumped between us, and the whole trip felt like a complete disaster.

Yet, from a cultivator’s perspective this was all an incredible and sacred opportunity. I can see this now, though it wasn’t so clear when it happened. The arrangements were very meticulous, so that I paid back my what I owed my brother for all those years I had terrorized him, and my attachment of anger was put on broad display for everyone to see. It was humiliating and terrible, but also an excellent cultivation opportunity.

At the time, however, it was extremely painful emotionally. In the weeks that followed, I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing. In my dreams, I was fighting him, winning, and then feeling horrible for beating him so badly that I put him in the hospital. I also worried that I could even be arrested. This was clearly not the demeanor of a practitioner.

Master said:

“Some people will lose their temper in disciplining children and yell at them, making quite a scene. You should not be that way in disciplining children, and neither should you, yourselves get really upset. You should educate children with reason so that you can really teach them well. If you cannot even get over a trifle and lose your temper easily, how can you expect to increase your gong?” (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)

My older brother, who has a reputation for being overly emotional, and whose mind is damaged from smoking cannabis, was like a child in some ways. Even since we were little, I had always felt justified in punishing him for his bad deeds. Continuing to study the Fa made this issue much clearer, yet it was still hard to break through.

From this experience, I felt that the worst of my attachment was being dredged out and shown to me. It was then when I realized just how utterly and completely human and ordinary I was in that regard. Maybe Master had isolated the good parts and was getting down into deeper layers, so this part finally had to be pushed out and transformed. But it wasn’t easy.

I found a great deal of solace during that time from reading Minghui articles. I already knew that reading Minghui sharings was good to do, but I could never really get into it and make it a habit. After this incident, when I read them, I could truly feel that every word was precious, and every word was like water raining down on me, cleaning off all the mud of the human world. Even if the author just shared their understanding, which may be different from mine, their starting point and intention was truly precious and powerful. My sense now is that once you truly understand, you are already not ordinary and have enlightened to a level above being human. In contrast, human beings cannot escape suffering, and live somewhat miserable lives trapped by their attachments and paying off karma.

I have also had uncanny experiences where a Minghui article directly addressed something I was going through or something that I saw my family going through. I could then share the articles with them, as they were also practitioners. It reminds me of when Master used to teach the Fa frequently, and what he said would seem to be somewhat specific to something or some situation, though he often did not spell out what it was. Yet it clearly applied to my life and cultivation.

I did apologize to my brother, and we enjoyed Christmas together a couple of times in the following years. I realized that if it weren’t for Dafa, I would be estranged from my brother and my mother, but Master’s great compassion in teaching the Fa and guiding my cultivation has kept our family harmonious against all odds.

The above is my limited understanding. Please point out anything amiss.

Thank you, Master! Thank you, Minghui! Thank you, everyone!