Cultivating Away My Doubts During a Test of Life and Death

(Minghui.org) I recently underwent an intense cultivation test during which I gained some precious insights. There’s no way I can thank Master or express in human language the constant care he has for all of us, and the gratitude I feel.

A Test of Life and Death

The beginning of this test was a realization I suddenly had while reading the Fa—that in trying to live according to Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance, I only chose to align some of my behaviors to the Fa but not others. My motive was selfish—I had negative thoughts based on a desire to punish.

Shortly after I had this understanding, I began to experience heart-related illness symptoms. My heart raced at night, and death felt very real. It felt like my heart could collapse at any moment.

I understood that this test was to see if I could remember that I was a practitioner, that I didn’t have disease, and that it was an illusion, or if I would doubt this understanding and start collecting medical data to see what disease I had.

I’ve read in other practitioners’ experience sharing articles that thinking about what illness we might have can bring a series of challenges—some practitioners stopped cultivating or even died. The outcome would been different if our thoughts were righteous from the start, but the illusion of illness during these tests was strong. In order to pass these tests, we needed complete faith in Master.

In my situation, I had the impression that my heart might actually fail at any minute. The feeling was so strong that I didn’t even think about challenging it.

Looking Inward During Challenges

I struggled for many nights after the symptoms began. Some nights I felt like someone was trying to rip my main consciousness from my body. I’d wake up screaming, and I tried to keep my soul from leaving my body. Other nights I’d wake up with the feeling that my heart stopped. Or, I woke up not knowing who or where I was. I could only remember Master’s name. In my confused state I struggled to pronounce Master’s named correctly. As soon as I said Master’s name I calmed down.

I later once again woke up in a panic. In my mind something was asking me, “Can you die? Can you die? Can you die right now?” With each repetition, the tone of the voice was increasingly aggressive until I told it that I couldn’t die, because I was afraid to die. I thought I had already eliminated the attachment to life and death, and I was pleased with myself. The fact that I wasn’t able to pass this now was a great blow to my feeling of self-satisfaction.

When I look back now, I think my attachment caused this test to surface—I wanted to pass this life and death test again so I could have a good opinion of myself.

After looking inward, I realized that I still had many attachments to this world. I realized that the reason I didn’t want to die was not because I hadn’t finished saving all the beings I said I would save, but rather because I was attached to my family.

Master taught us:

“Those who are attached to affection for family will definitely be burned, entangled, and tormented by it. Pulled by the threads of affection and plagued by them throughout their lives, they will find it too late to regret at the end of their lives.” (“Cultivators’ Avoidances,” Essentials For Further Advancement)

Remembering Master’s teaching, I tried to be as rational as I could, and focus my thoughts on the Fa. I told myself that I was here with a mission, and I could not leave this world until my mission was fulfilled. I also realized that I had a responsibility to uphold the practitioners’ environment and ordinary people’s good opinions of Dafa—if I just passed away, wouldn’t this negatively affect everyone? I realized that the old forces could use my shortcomings in cultivation to test practitioners and those around me, to weaken their faith and ruin them.

I also realized I had an attachment to showing off. When I was around other practitioners I always wanted to say things as logically and clearly as I could. I also had the desire to build up my image as a good practitioner. Because I wanted to be respected I did many things so others would have a good opinion of me.

I felt the old forces trying to convince me that there was no escape from this situation, but I firmly rejected this. I had the strong belief that as long as I only want to cultivate myself, their plans did not exist. I would not be used by the old forces to ruin others.

An Attachment to Checking My Pulse

My heart problems began to ease a bit, although they still continued. I then had a new worry. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to pass the life and death test. Unlike previous tests, where a single steadfast thought dispelled all symptoms, this test was longer.

I started monitoring my pulse, and I was afraid when my pulse was high. I even looked up what a normal pulse should be, and the dangers of a high pulse.

This became another avenue for interfering thoughts. One train of thought reminded me that I was almost 50 years old, the age my father was when he had a heart attack and started having heart complications. It reminded me that a coworker had a heart attack when she was my age, a woman I knew had a stroke, another person died of a heart attack in his sleep, and so on. It began to question whether practicing Falun Dafa actually benefited my health, whether Dafa can “defeat death.”

My heart sometimes hurt when I exerted the slightest physical effort. The thoughts kept repeating, “Is Falun Dafa really helping you? Do you really believe that it can overcome the reality of this world and defeat death?”

Despite all this interference I was able to maintain a strong thought, and I knew that Dafa could save me.

Learning to Trust Master

My husband asked if I had asked Master for help. I realized that I hadn’t, and that this never crossed my mind. I realized that I felt it was okay for me to die if I was not a diligent practitioner or if I couldn’t pass the test of life and death. I believed that Master wouldn’t help me if I wasn’t up to the standard.

After I saw this omission and I woke up in the middle of a heart crisis one night, the words “Trust Master!” appeared in my mind.

An unusual thing happened during this tribulation. Despite my sleepless nights and feeling sick, my capacity to work increased considerably and I was more productive than ever before.

Identifying More Attachments

I decided that I would stop monitoring my pulse and paying attention to my heart symptoms. I would ignore them and cultivate regardless of the states I was going through. When I couldn’t sleep I studied the Fa, sent righteous thoughts, and did the exercises. “If this is persecution, I’ll counter it by sending righteous thoughts!”

I was able to calm down despite my symptoms. I asked myself why my heart, the core of my human body, was going through such torment. Could it be because I still had strong attachments?

I realized that my cultivation state was directly related to my heart and also to the beings in my world. In this physical dimension, what’s going on with my heart was just a warning sign. I had the responsibility to cultivate well so that the torment in my heart—and by extension, my sentient beings—would stop. I promised myself to cultivate diligently.

I also realized that my mental state was defined by fear. This fear permeated the smallest details of my behavior and was reflected even in the rapid beating of my heart. So I focused on eliminating my fear.

I came to understand that qing, showing off, fear, arrogance, wickedness, selfishness, and negativity, were all directly related to my heart and wanted to kill it. With this realization came the knowledge that I could heal my heart through cultivation. But I still had some questions that I was confused about. I wasn’t even clear whether the suffering I was going through was a test I couldn’t pass, or if it was persecution.

And then, something utterly miraculous happened.

A Resolution

While at the weekly local Fa-study I had a mental dialog between myself and certain beings who were asking me questions and pressuring me to answer them.

At first the questions were, “Can’t you pass the test of life and death? Can’t you die?” They were forcing me to accept that I had to die in order to meet the standard of passing the test of life and death. I hesitated to answer and I hesitated to give them that consent.

The questions continued, “You have to be able to die if you’re going to pass the test of life and death. You have to be prepared to die…” I again hesitated to give an answer.

Then the questions took another form, “But you should agree with whatever Master wants for you, Trust him, and if he decides you should die, you should die!” Although in theory I agreed with what I was being told, I hesitated to answer. I felt there was too much insistence on my death.

I asked myself, “Don’t I trust Master? Have I lost the unwavering trust in Master that I once had? What if I have that trust and Master really decides that I must die because there is no other solution to my failed cultivation? Can I accept Master’s decision with a peaceful heart?” The voices got more aggressive.

Then, suddenly, like something was helping me, I calmed down. I realized that I was doubting Master not because I was afraid of dying, but because I was trying to anticipate what Master’s arrangement was for my life. I had doubts because I thought Master would leave me for not being good enough, and that he would no longer help me. I also thought that Master would think it normal that I would die because I wasn’t up to standard. What a terrible thought!

Then the old forces came in, “Look, look, look... He couldn’t help others either. And others also died!”

How had my faith wavered so much that I believed Master was not always with me?

The next moment I saw a young boy wearing clothing similar to what the Shen Yun artists wear. I felt the boy was me as I once was, although in this life I am a woman. The boy was kneeling in front of Master with his hands stretched out in front over his head, and he was holding something in his hands. It was his life that he was dedicating to Master without fear, without hypothesis, without hesitation, in a peaceful and respectful way that was unimaginable. All the voices were gone, there was only light.

In the next paragraph of the Fa that I read, two sentences were spoken to me resolutely and powerfully. I even had the impression that I heard them, like a powerful resolution:

“...but it doesn’t mark the end of your journey. You need to continue practicing and progress still further.” (The Eighth Talk, Zhuan Falun)

At first, I was stunned by the power of those words. Then I realized that Master was speaking to me. This was what he decided for me, removing in an instant all the interference of the old forces. The old forces had been silenced.

At that moment I felt very strongly that Master never left me, and that he endured all that had to be endured to protect me. A great trial had been passed and I could continue cultivating. I realized that the threat of the old forces killing me, and testing those around me, had been very real.

Waves of energy coursed through my body. I walked home feeling reborn. I no longer questioned whether my heart problems would stop. All that mattered was the chance given by Master to cultivate further.

Conclusion

I know there are practitioners who are currently going through great trials in cultivation, who are about to give up. I’ve heard of practitioners who have been lured into delusion by the old forces, who take advantage of their attachments, many of which have been built up over time by the old forces themselves.

My understanding from this experience is that we must never give in, we must not believe in the illusion even if it’s the “reality” that reveals itself to us in this world. We must not believe in anything that separates us from Master, and we must never believe that he would abandon us.

I recently realized that everything I did for those around me, including my involvement in saving beings, had a selfish thought attached to it. I was happy because I had something to gain from my good deeds... I was on the right side of history, I was acquiring merits, I was building a good future, I was acquiring virtue, I was getting rid of karma, and so on.

I now see all these thoughts very clearly and I feel that these thoughts form an outer shell that is about to fall off. There remains only the solid responsibility to do what I have to do to fulfill the oath that brought me to this world. I believe this happened due to my intense cultivation.

For a long time I no longer had the heart with which I begun to cultivate. After this test I discovered that it is still there, but it is authentic and solemn as a foundation of my existence. It feels now devoid of exaltation, selfishness, and personal gain.

Throughout my tribulation both Romanian practitioners and practitioners in other countries that I never met helped me unconditionally after learning what I was going through, either by sending righteous thoughts for me or by studying the Fa with me. Your support helped me and moved me deeply. Thank you!

After this experience I’ve come to better understand that regardless of the manifestations of some practitioners’ attachments, their doubts, the persistence of their attachments, and the serious bad states they’ve gotten into, and even if the old forces try to turn them against Dafa, that we must continue to support each other without judgment. This is the example Master gives us.

I’ve experienced how Master does not let us down no matter what, and how he constantly sacrifices for us. Only our thoughts, doubts, and actions can block him from helping us.

Through this tribulation, I realized that we were the lotuses planted by Master himself. Let us cherish ourselves! This my understanding so far. Please point anything you see that deviates from the Fa.

Thank you, Master! Thank you, fellow practitioners!