Cultivating Away Negative Thoughts and Resentment

(Minghui.org) Over the past year or two, I have found myself in a strange state of cultivation. I feel a strong desire to inform others about the persecution of Falun Dafa by the Chinese Communist Party and to help save those affected by it. However, I find that my compassion is lacking. I don’t have the same sense of urgency that I once had, and I often struggle with unkind thoughts toward acquaintances, relatives, or strangers.

I wonder if I am still qualified to be called a cultivator. Is it caused by my being persecuted for too long? During the persecution, I have been exposed to evil, forced to fight, and faced many unsightly things, all of which seemed aimed at destroying me.

During this period, I studied the Fa but struggled to grasp its meaning. I memorized the Fa many times, yet I still didn’t achieve any understanding. After practicing the exercises, I felt tired instead of energized and light. I attempted to explain the truth about the persecution on and off, but no matter what I did, negative thoughts kept overwhelming me. Even my facial expression appeared bitter; I was miserable beyond words!

It wasn’t until I read Master’s article, “A Wake-Up Call,” many times and memorized it that I truly grasped its significance. I felt as if the chains of my negative thoughts had been broken; positive thoughts surfaced, and my confidence returned. As I reflected on my situation over the past two years, I realized that since I had faced persecution, the most notable outcome was my tendency toward negative thinking.

Since childhood, this feeling has been deeply rooted in my personality. It created a negative field around me—aloof, silent, and resentful. However, from the day I obtained Dafa, that negativity was eliminated. In its place, a peaceful, tranquil, and joyful field appeared. At that time, my heart was filled with good and pure thoughts, and I found myself smiling at everyone. As Master has reminded us,

“That is why it’s said that always cultivating as if you were just starting will surely result in achieving your ultimate rank.” (“Fa Teaching Given at the 2009 Greater New York International Fa Conference,” Collected Teachings Given Around the World Volume IX )

Then a very clear idea came to me: I should require myself to follow the xinxing standard of Dafa instead of relying on the reasoning of an ordinary person. This standard should guide every thought, word, and deed. As cultivators we should strive to hold ourselves to increasingly higher standards.

I examined the origin of my negative thoughts and realized they mainly stemmed from my attitude toward the persecutors and my relatives.

During the severe persecution I faced in prison, I managed to stay relatively kind and harbored no hatred. However, years later, as the past continued to be brought up through harassment by the authorities, old grudges resurfaced, affecting every aspect of my cultivation.

I struggled to find tranquility during meditation; I couldn’t calm down when memorizing the Fa, and even when I interacted with others, my mind was overwhelmed with flashbacks. I kept seeing images and hearing the words of those who persecuted me during intense moments; it felt like facing flashing swords and knives. This might be why I feel so exhausted after practicing the exercises.

Therefore, I demand of myself that whenever those negative thoughts arise, I immediately reject them: “I must remain calm and think positively. No matter how bad those people are, they are here for the sake of Dafa. They are lives that Master wants to save. I cannot let the negative thoughts take over and have me push those people away and cause them to lose their chance of salvation.”

Then there are my relatives. By all accounts, they are much better than those who participate in the persecution. However, I keep bringing up my resentment. Their shortcomings are unacceptable, especially when they refuse to listen to me and even help those who persecute me by trying to trick me into revealing information and betraying me—this is what I can’t tolerate the most. Such relatives are better off not being recognized as family! And my thoughts continue like this.

Whenever these negative thoughts resurface, I force myself to suppress them: My relatives are the best. I must treat them with compassion. They came to help me, and they truly did. When I was at my most difficult, wasn’t it my family members and relatives who assisted? They are not Falun Dafa practitioners; I cannot expect too much from them. What have I done to help them? Why should I complain?

If they don’t listen to me, it only means I haven’t explained the truth clearly enough. How can I blame them? They are my relatives who have shared my hardships. I can’t leave any regrets! If it weren’t for these negative thoughts, some of my relatives would have the potential to practice Dafa.

As I write this, tears well up in my eyes as I think of my family members. The unjust persecution hasn’t ended, and the poisonous influence of “[Chinese Communist] Party culture” persists. I find myself still carrying the baggage of Party culture, and the mentality of conflict and resentment remains with me. I deeply regret how I treated my own family, and the damage I have inflicted.

If a cultivator struggles to break free from the “Party Culture,” then civil servants who spend all day immersed in the “Party Culture” of government agencies are even less likely to escape. Although these people may seem slick and glamorous on the surface, in reality, they are pitiful and miserable.

What else is there to complain about? What is there to resent? Can I, a cultivator, behave like them? Finally, these negative thoughts gradually faded and became blurred. I will make them disappear without a trace, leaving only compassion and salvation in my mind.

One day, while reading a fellow practitioner’s article, I reflected on myself and realized that, despite practicing for many years, I still had qi within me, the basic stage of cultivation, albeit in a subtle form, not in the state of gong or true form of energy. I was impatient and quick to speak, and when my temper flared, I was easily carried away by my qi. So now, in everything I say and do, I consciously try to slow down my speech, soften my tone, and not let my qi get the better of me.

One day, I discovered that my phone was being monitored again. I tried to confront the persecutors indirectly as I usually do, but I was outsmarted. I felt a surge of anger rising within me, my heart pounding with each beat, and negative thoughts began to surface. I sat down, preparing for a confrontation. At that moment I suddenly thought to slow down my speech, I realized that I had been manipulated by qi again.

Master told us:

“There is no constraint between this qi and that qi.”“Perhaps his qi will overpower yours!” (Lecture Seven, Zhuan Falun)

I was instantly relieved and couldn't help but laugh at myself. I stopped attacking, and the person who had been watching me as if to intimidate me disappeared instantly. My phone immediately returned to normal.

Really, everything is just an illusion! After that, I felt refreshed and calm. That day, I behaved differently than usual. My conscious mind was in control, and I did not follow my negative thoughts.

In “A Wake-Up Call” Master mentions that Dafa disciples must maintain the compassion and love of cultivators in their daily conduct. As a veteran practitioner, I am among those whom Master requires to fulfill these standards immediately.

I understand that this is essential. I am also aware that I currently fall short of Master’s requirements, but I am determined to reach the level I am meant to attain. My ultimate goal is to cultivate a selfless being who lives entirely for others. On the remaining path of Fa-rectification, I will not disappoint Master’s kindness, nor will I disappoint sentient beings or myself. I will strive to follow the standards of the Fa and walk the last part of my journey well and correctly.